Wednesday 30 July 2008

A personality gone wrong?

Once again i've been thinking, and not in the good way, about myself. It is above me how my personality time after time has the ability to drive people off. It is also above me how I many times don't care if I do, but I must admit some people was never ment to be driven away. What is done is however done and those I have already driven away will without a doubt be more than hard to "win back". I am who I am, or at least that's what I keep telling my self only to make the situation a little more bearable. If I didn't believe that I am who I am as far as my personality goes, I would probably destroy myself mentally more than I have already done. This inevitably raises the question "How can you tell yourself something knowing it is a trick on your own mind?". I wonder that myself, and have so far not come up with a single answer that seems logical, I guess i'm just an idiot.

Now comes the interesting part, which ties this entry together with a former one. How can I change my personality to the better when those who dislike it just disappear, or ignore me. I can't change without some feedback on both good and bad stuff. So it's a bitch really, being stuck with a personality most cannot stand. It hasn't driven me mad yet, but i'll bet that moment is not too far away from the present. All these thoughts being brought to life mearly by looking at my msn and facebook contacts, friends does not always get you in a good mood, sometimes they unconsciously hurt you as well...

Saturday 26 July 2008

"The Roy Syndrome" - Created by Rostad

Have you ever been confused about how women work? Have you ever wondered about what qualities attracts women? Are you interested in a theory called The Roy Syndrome?
If not you can stick your head in the microwave and hope no one talks about it in your presence.

Here's the theory by Rostad based on his observations:

If you speak to a woman, discussing relationships in general and what women is looking for in a man/guy etc. you often hear that the foremost qualities she is looking for is something in line with:
Honesty, consideration, attention and to be listened to, and that appearance doesn't matter so much.
Let us then imagine that we put a man/guy (Whom we in this theory call Eric) in front of this woman with all the previous qualities mentioned earlier and study the result it's going to surprise you.
An interest is often built, but that isn't really what she was expecting.
The woman will slowly develop a friendship with Eric and have Eric as her best friend.
A friend that she will seek out when she needs advice about other relationships and discuss relationship problems with.
Of course there's nothing wrong with this, but it is still not the result you would have imagined.

So what do women seek?
Does it go deeper than this? Is there someone who makes a larger impression than explainable by words?
An invisible bond that tie them together?
To further develop this theory we must finds Erics counter part and examine. So we call Roy.

Roy is a honorary member of Hells Angels (A large motorcycling club in Sweden) , he is tattooed from the neck and down, his primary interests here in life is motorcycles, violence and women in a horizontal position.
His most outstanding feature is that he has problems with his rage and because of that can seem quite disrespectful.
The only woman he hasn't cheated on is his mother and even there lies some doubts.

Lets put the previous woman who met Eric in the same situation as before but this time we replace Eric with Roy.
More often this will result in a mutual (ish) attraction, despite that Roy is the exact contrary to what she initially wanted, she can't help it.
Roys qualities are more appealing than Erics.
Why this is the case is not a hundred percent sure, but one theory says that it depends on more primitive factors.
For example, it might originate from a instinct from former ages, the woman seeking herself to the strongest warrior in the clan and there by gets both protection and a social status.

To make this theory alot shorter and make a summary that is foreseeable it would sound something like this:

What a woman says she want, is not what she really wants. It's of course what she THINKS she wants, but it's not in anyway correct.
For example: Eric attracts the womans more emotional part and intellectual aspects and Roy attracts her instincts. Roy simply has the stronger personality and naturally the woman will most likely choose him as a result of her following her instincts.
This is the theory called "The Roy Syndrome"

Thursday 24 July 2008

Average joe or worse.

I have come to a conclusion. Actually I have come to a conclusion several times. Since much younger years I have noticed that I am very average, or even worse, BELOW average. This based on that I haven't found anything I am particularly good at. I have played computer games, exercised sports, been interested in music. I have however never found anything that defines me. I know a little bit of everything. Yes this may also be a good thing, but the thing is I know so little about many things that it just seems pathetic. I often wish I could find that thing where I would really find myself and where my knowledge would come to use.

As it is I guess I'll have to settle with being below average. A dreadful word which I don't like talking about but that's what I am. To change the stamp of average is not easy and it's not even sure that I'll succeed. It's almost like a dream that seems well within reach, but every time you stretch to get there the dream slips away just outside reach. This renders in hope which will never be rewarded, so if your not annoyed enough your bound to be. Average, cursed be the word that currently defines me.. CORRECTION: Below average was the word I looked for... my bad...

Tuesday 22 July 2008

Even steven.

Todays phrase "Treat others as you wish to be treated yourself." unfortunately for me this seldom is a truth. There are few people that I know who actually live up to this sentence. They treat me the way I treat them that is. I cherish those few who actually do this, but I am also saddened by those who does not act according to this sentence. To give friendship but not getting it back in the same way. You feel betrayed, deeply betrayed. Many people who does this will not openly admit it, perhaps it's a part of many peoples masterplan: "Act unknowingly when treating a friend badly". I have confronted some people regarding this issue and of course the response is "I would never do such a thing". I wish I could say that those I call friends would live up to todays phrase. I know that this is a fact so far from truth it disgusts me. One of the trends I have noticed is that more and more people are moved to the category "Not living up to the phrase" and very few remain in the "Lives up to the phrase" category.

The question i'm asking myself after saying this sentence is: "Is it worth trying to find people living up to the phrase any more?" it seems like it would be an anomaly, confirming the fact, if I did. Whatever person came up with this phrase sure would be surprised if he/her saw the effect of this sentence, and with that I mean the bad effects. When I write this however I'm not saying that I would be a perfect person in relations to the phrase. If you think I have mistreated you or acted in a inappropriate way compared to how you've been treating me, LET ME KNOW! Im trying to be a better person you know.

Sunday 20 July 2008

Contradiction from a counter part.

I have in my years actually dated women. I have tried to be a nice guy and treat women with the respect that they deserve. However something interested that I have noticed over the years is a reoccuring discussion between me and the women I've dated. It doesn't apply to all of them but say a majority of 80% can be placed directly in the compartment of said discussion.

Let's start of with that I've never dated a women more than 5 times before being rejected. The interesting part is the rejecting itself, some have done it more smoothly than others and some have done it similar ways to other women i've been rejected by. I have in these rejections found a contradiction which I find most amusing and quite sad. "I like you very much your a nice guy and all, but I only wanna stay friends, but don't worry i'm sure you'll find someone."
1. If i'm such a "nice" guy why the rejection?
2. How can you say that i'll find someone else, apparently you don't like me enough to get together, but instead of telling me what I did wrong you just reject me. In which the next time i'll meet someone they will probably say the same thing because you didn't tell me what I did wrong the first time. So i'll make the same mistakes again.
3. "You'll find someone else" if you didn't choose me why should anyone else, it's an unending spiral. I haven't a clue how to turn it around since no girl ever tells me what I did wrong.

These are some contradictions that annoy the living hell out of me. So i'll leave you with that for now. Got to go find my spiral solution...

Friday 18 July 2008

Repetative events.

So I went to town again only to see old familiar feelings resurface. Jealousy that is. I saw alot couples and depending on their appearance I tried to come to some mathematical conclusion on relationships, this naturaly failed but I still sat their on a bench trying to figure out "How?" yet another failure. But it is quite interesting not only to see couples in town, some overly happy about their current situation, some almost looked fed up, but that could also have to do with going around the city shopping. Another interesting thing was how I reacted to it all. Lets just say i'm not happy with the results.

I was in town way too long. My mind got tired with all the observing and analyzing. I felt like going home but unfortunately I had an appointment with a friend. So you tried to see how people used their eyes to glance at their surroundings and at other people. If your interested in human behaviour you have struck a gold mine. Some looks were of disgust others were of desire and some out of pure confusion. So many feelings and so many people, I feel drained of strength after my day out to town. Im now heading to emotional sleep for a while.. *ZzZzZ*

Wednesday 16 July 2008

Jealousy.

Yes jealousy, a very common emotion if you're pessimist and depressed. If you have been single forever the mere sight of a couple drives your brain mad. Jealousy strikes in with no delays, you start to think "It isn't fair!". Yes I know not all relationships are good, in fact many end in bad ways, but those relationships that are good, those shine through the crowds in the city. For us without a relationship it transforms all thoughts into instant hatred and disgust. That's how the brain protects us. Still I wish that one day I will be one of those people walking around the city, yes I know it sounds crazy and at the moment not likely to happen. Yet this dream will strike back at me in a bad way i'm certain.

Jealousy, a feeling for the weak, a feeling for the unsecure people that wander this earth. Jealousy may also involve good intent, but that is a rare occurance. Mainly it is a bad feeling best kept in the shadows never to show itself for the "happy" person. Yet it exists, it poisons my mind and it might be poisoning you as well. I have learned to hide my jealousy, instead I present it to you here were it does not harm anyone. So for all of you who are with someone and feel happiness, I envy you and I hate you. That is the power of jealousy...

Monday 14 July 2008

Communication.

Without doubt communication is a really important part of our lives. So it makes me kind of queesy knowing that my communication skills are almost oblivious. Like my inability to stay "normal" when talking to a good looking girl or mainly staying normal at all, this is based on two reasons.
1. I find myself fairly boring should I not act out my crazyness. 2. It's for protection.

I live by words spoken by a true pessimist: "Always expect the worst and you shall never be disappointed." .
These words help me carry out a conversation, because should I get my hopes up I will end up really broken 1000/999 times because , as i said in previous posts, I have no social skills.
This is a huge reason why I've never had a girlfriend. Before you think anything let me tell you that it is a vicious cycle. I get my hopes up, I get crushed, I lose confidence. With no confidence you get no breaks, so you end up deeper and deeper into that black hole of misery which you have created yourself. Created the very moment you got broken the first time.
But now and then I still get my hopes up and after each and every time I ask myself "WHY?" since I am never surprised by the depressing outcome of my tragical attempts of one day finding a girl who actually likes me.

So the odds for my success in this matter should be standing at a world record level att the bookmaker. I wish I could fix it, but as I am well aware of your confidence isn't rebuilt instantly. For some it probably takes a lifetime and that is time I don't have. *Tick Tock Tick Tock*

Sunday 13 July 2008

Balancing act.

What can I say, I've had two recently good days... before this one that is. Although it hasn't been an awful day it has certainly been annoying. Waking up by the phone to the stairwell door and moments later the telephone rings only to remind me of the splitting headache I'd gotten from sleeping to hard. And yet i'm not surprised by this most annoying day. Two good days ad up to a bad one. Should the two previous day been even better, this day would without a doubt be Evil as hell!

Another thing that I'm reflecting on this day is how some discussions I've ended up in sound extremely awkward because it's almost like they're all about me, even though they're not. I'm wondering if this is someones neet trick to stirr up my mind just for the fun of it. So my thoughts have been crossing over eachother, not allowing me to think straight. So my current plan is to get alot more sleep this coming night, so that I can wake up fairly refreshed and hopefully sort out those thoughts.

Oh right, with my luck tomorrow will most certainly be an awful day, because two good days will add up to at least one half bad day and one hysterically awful day. I already hate tomorrow...

Saturday 12 July 2008

If life was like a melody.

Maybe one of my better concepts, although it would be annoying after a while. Think of a melody, a melody containing all emotions in this world, but more important, the good emotions weigh heavier within this melody. If you were to listen to that melody the moment you were born, on a unconscious level, but still. Would that melody help you find tranquility throughout your life, since the melody should always play within your head? Because if it has been played repeatedly for you it should be stuck in your head, never to leave you no matter what. A melody you could always bring out even in the most peril times.

I wish I had a melody, just a piece of melody, beautiful enough to make you happy, important enough to remember, hypnotizing enough to be mesmerized by, and powerful enough to give you all the confidence in the world. I believe that in my mind at that time I would be invincible. But to every Ying there is a Yang and without doubt the harsch and tough melody of the real world would wash out your private melody and send you into that dark piece of mind which slowly eats you up from the inside.

I will seek the good melody and when I eventually find it I will cherish it just for a moment and die with the knowledge that for a minute I was invincible.

Thursday 10 July 2008

Some of my skills.

I would say I possess some skills. As a continuance to my first post I will explain my skills and some of the ways it affects me and my surroundings.

One thing I do know is i have this weird way of instantly picking up the signals people send me after I have given them a first impression. Their eyes scream the answers the mind doesn't want said person to know. Unfortunately for me one of my other skills is that I make a terrible first impression. It has haunted me for a long time. It makes me mad although I am so aware, because I can't really do anything about it, not at this moment anyway. The reason for that is simple, no other way feels natural than the current.

As I already said in the previous post I have a quite unique social ability, I succeed in many aspects of the social ways, but the most critical way still aludes me as i struggle to figure out why this is a fact. I seek to repair myself in hope of not, as you would say, "die alone" which seems to be the closest answer to my lifes destiny.

These things are very much connected, that is the first impression and social ability. They go hand in hand. And that is what bothers me alot. But then again, im not that good, I am aware of the problems but I cannot for my life solve them. A curse you might say, a most annoying curse...

Wednesday 9 July 2008

An introduction.

A confused man, troubled my most of my thoughts, even intrigued by some. Mostly my mind speaks in clear language. Mostly...
It has this thing, telling me the worst possible outcome at all times, and with an easy equation we have pessimism. This "good" quality will most certainly appear in many of my posts since my thoughts are guided by it at all times.
Other good things to know about me is my lack of social skill. In certain aspects that is, but still I lack social skills. Maybe the essential social skills.

What I am about to ventilate in upcoming posts will with great certainty upset and piss some people off. Mainly my way of thought and the final outcome of those thoughts, which people have tried to manage and control several times in several ways, but so far without success.

That will be all for now.. but rest assure.. the thoughts will be put into writing so that you who find it interesting enough can interpret and use in different ways I suppose