The title might exaggerate what has actually happened. I've had many seperate thoughts lately and although they would be somewhat interesting I didn't feel they were large or important enough to get it's own blog entry. Then all of a sudden I get this twitch right before I go to sleep. I'm referring to last night, when really dark thoughts hit my mind. I got cold inside, thoughts long forgotten re-surfaced in an instant. Could it be that many of my dark thoughts and memories are not stored inside my head, but stored in a specific location.
It all felt like som sort of deja vu, me lying in bed not really having any cares at all, and then BANG. Is it healthy having a brain that functions like this?
The thoughts themselves are not something I'm going to post here because it's something that I'v e written about before. Let's just say that they were the kind of thoughts that seemed so real you actually thought they were happening. I still believe they are going to happen right now. Selfish and unselfish thoughts at the same time, pathetic and true, serene and chaotic. Thoughts that are everything and nothing. Normally my own disturbed mind would ignore the thoughts quite quickly, but then again there are moments in life which seem so absurd that you can't even call it a coincidence.
I saw a movie today, a movie that just might reflect what type of person I will become some day in the future. I did not like what I saw. Then again it's not completely false, because I have been known to hate large crowds, and I have been known to have days where I just recent people. This movie sort of validated many of my dark thoughts I had yesterday. I would go into detail but that would disturb the sleep I am about to have. So I'll leave you with two little questions. Does our life predict our future for us sometimes? Do we really have any power at all?
Where is the girl from the dream with the hug... she might be the one to save me...
Tuesday 23 December 2008
Thursday 11 December 2008
Diversions.
You could call me lucky, having so many diversions in my life that I forget how I normally feel.
Unlucky that no matter how many diversions there are I will always go back. The same state of mind as always and the same ways of thinking. Now and then I wonder if I might be to comfortable with how my mind works. Maybe I should be more conserned about how I actually feel. Then again doing anything about it seems kind of oblivious at this point.
Maybe I should aquire additional diversions, making me unaware of everything that goes on in my head.
All I can say is that once i'm totally lost there is no going back. That means I have chosen my path and that is not something you have the ability to change.
Diversions has helped me quite recently, diversions helped me overcome my latest double setback. Not that i'm surprised about the setback, it was a low odds situation. At least I didn't get as sad as I would normally have been. I think I tackled it quite well and because of that I feel some sort of pride towards myself. I made a choice as well, a choice I wouldn't normally do. I would tag along and accept the fate of the moment, but now I took charge of the situation and was able to rule out different options to my benefit.
This all sounds very promising and positive, but it's really just one of those times where I have to start all over again, from scratch. I am so accustomed to the situation that I almost can't bother. We are back to zero, we are back at nothing to once again start chasing the impossible. I could do with some more diversions in the near future, no doubt. Because apparently I haven't seen or heard the last of myself... not yet anyways.
Unlucky that no matter how many diversions there are I will always go back. The same state of mind as always and the same ways of thinking. Now and then I wonder if I might be to comfortable with how my mind works. Maybe I should be more conserned about how I actually feel. Then again doing anything about it seems kind of oblivious at this point.
Maybe I should aquire additional diversions, making me unaware of everything that goes on in my head.
All I can say is that once i'm totally lost there is no going back. That means I have chosen my path and that is not something you have the ability to change.
Diversions has helped me quite recently, diversions helped me overcome my latest double setback. Not that i'm surprised about the setback, it was a low odds situation. At least I didn't get as sad as I would normally have been. I think I tackled it quite well and because of that I feel some sort of pride towards myself. I made a choice as well, a choice I wouldn't normally do. I would tag along and accept the fate of the moment, but now I took charge of the situation and was able to rule out different options to my benefit.
This all sounds very promising and positive, but it's really just one of those times where I have to start all over again, from scratch. I am so accustomed to the situation that I almost can't bother. We are back to zero, we are back at nothing to once again start chasing the impossible. I could do with some more diversions in the near future, no doubt. Because apparently I haven't seen or heard the last of myself... not yet anyways.
Tuesday 2 December 2008
People need insight.
You heard it! People need insight really bad. Of course it's not a bad thing in every aspect. People who are already doing good could do even better with insight. So it's basically a win / win situation for everybody. Insight people, INSIGHT, you don't even have to pay for it.
I have some form of insight, and of course it can be improved, but i'm still content that I have as much insight as I do. Alot of people however have the possibility of true insight, but they often choose to ignore it to make the choices that most would consider "Sinful".
A gift as good as insight and yet our fragile minds insist of not using it, unless we really think about things and turn to reason a.k.a "a form of insight".
As much as I would like to see insight in certain people at this moment, I also like to see some form of decent humanity.
Lies, deceit, jealousy, whispering (In the shape of trashtalk whispering) and backstabbing. Simplistic forms of sins indeed, but we use them to often. I have learned to avoid the jealousy, deceit, whispering and backstabbing. Yes I lie, but who doesn't these days. I on the other hand insist on using only white lies.
Why am I bothered of all these subjects, well it's not hard to guess really, it's right there within reach. Some sins could be forgivable in certain situations, and I don't condemn anyone who uses one sin at one time. When it becomes a bad habit, then I start to recent and despise those persons. Should they later be rid of those habits and do serious attempts to re-establish themselves as good people, then I would most certainly give them another chance. The prospect of most persons, to whom I am refering, to actually do these good deeds seems so distant.
The situation in itself is so sadening. To see all these people throw away so many good things and for what?
I need respect, insight and some god damn human decency. They are not available on the market, you can't buy or create it. You have to lure it out from it's hiding place within our personalitys which are areas so hard to penetrate that most give up before even trying to find it. That is when we have to seek for it however, because some people have the great understanding of allowing insight to do their bidding throughout life. Creating a better place for all of us. Unfortunately it doesn't really have the ability to compare with the darkness that infects many people.
Give everyone insight and we might be saved...
I have some form of insight, and of course it can be improved, but i'm still content that I have as much insight as I do. Alot of people however have the possibility of true insight, but they often choose to ignore it to make the choices that most would consider "Sinful".
A gift as good as insight and yet our fragile minds insist of not using it, unless we really think about things and turn to reason a.k.a "a form of insight".
As much as I would like to see insight in certain people at this moment, I also like to see some form of decent humanity.
Lies, deceit, jealousy, whispering (In the shape of trashtalk whispering) and backstabbing. Simplistic forms of sins indeed, but we use them to often. I have learned to avoid the jealousy, deceit, whispering and backstabbing. Yes I lie, but who doesn't these days. I on the other hand insist on using only white lies.
Why am I bothered of all these subjects, well it's not hard to guess really, it's right there within reach. Some sins could be forgivable in certain situations, and I don't condemn anyone who uses one sin at one time. When it becomes a bad habit, then I start to recent and despise those persons. Should they later be rid of those habits and do serious attempts to re-establish themselves as good people, then I would most certainly give them another chance. The prospect of most persons, to whom I am refering, to actually do these good deeds seems so distant.
The situation in itself is so sadening. To see all these people throw away so many good things and for what?
I need respect, insight and some god damn human decency. They are not available on the market, you can't buy or create it. You have to lure it out from it's hiding place within our personalitys which are areas so hard to penetrate that most give up before even trying to find it. That is when we have to seek for it however, because some people have the great understanding of allowing insight to do their bidding throughout life. Creating a better place for all of us. Unfortunately it doesn't really have the ability to compare with the darkness that infects many people.
Give everyone insight and we might be saved...
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