Over before it started.

I have had about a million different choices for this blogposts title.
But the one I chose really says it all. It was over before it even started.
Although I am an agnostic there were certainly signs this evening that a greater force was really in motion desroying all my hopes.
A divine entity that was battering on my every emotion making sure that whatever I wanted was not for me to have. Seldom has the message been this clear, seldom have I been this far from even having a fair shot and seldom have I come to such a crystalizing truth about myself as I did tonight.

I have found three earlier posts that really define my recent experience:

1. "The Roy Syndrome"
All credit goes to Rostad the creator of "The Roy Syndrome" theory. He was right in every way. What chance does the good guy have? Tonight was one of thos nights that really strengthened my belief in "The Roy Syndrome" and everything it stands for. Deep inside of me I really wanted him to be wrong, but there was something about that text that was just shouting out the word "truth". The correctness of the text has also been proven to me on several occasions.

2. "The Nerd never gets the Girl"
Perhaps the most apparent one of these three points. That's just how it is. I am the nerd, if I would say otherwise I would lie. This sentence is also directly connected to "The Roy Syndrome" so they both make everything that more undisputable. People would of course try to find some loophole in this depressing sentence. But there is really no loophole, I find it is merely the truth manifested in a somewhat tragic sentence.
To break free from this sentence I would have to say you need a darn huge miracle. As an agnostic I would really like to avoid this sentence but you would need "An act from god". Yes I know an "act of god" would be a miracle I just wanted to make myself clear.

3. It's just one of those days.
I could refer to so many days that would fit in to this category. This has definetely been one of my main candidates for "Most sucky day of my life". With that I don't mean that everyone I met and everything I did was bad. But the good times was most certainly overshadowed by the bad in ways I didn't even thought were possible. I can't really see how anything good could come from a day like the one I just had. The day itself was a proof of my as it seems endless accounts of failure.
Perhaps my recent spell of good days in a row had to be balanced out. (I think there might be a huge theory on the balancing act which has a really cool name but I can't remember it)

So there you have it, three extremely good reasons that really sums it up in a fantastic way don't you think?
It was over before it started, I can't compare with other guys. I certainly don't have what so many people call "Game". That part has eluded me thus creating somewhat of a huge problem.
A problem so severe that the sentence "It was over before it even started" is possible.
Maybe I was foolish to even try, because I just have to look at my own history to find numerous of bad-timed ill chosen moments to try.
I'm so upset of my failure that this post has taken me close to 40 minutes to write as I drift of to analyze what I did wrong. The ecuation is quite simple. I did everything wrong as always.

It was over long before it even started... in what world could I possibly beat anybody...

A pattern of certain days.

You could say I'm only half-way through this day but already the pattern is clear.
The pattern repeats itself as so many times before. I can't really control that negative side of me right now, it screams out with such ferocity that I just might go crazy.
I want to ignore I really do, but it penetrates every soundwave anything in this world could conjure at this point.
A part of me actually wants to hurt somebody, but I can't control the aim so I believe that I will be the one getting hurt.
My paranoia grows and the intensity and occurence of dark thoughts increase by the minute.
This is why I am a coward, this is why I somehow always make the wrong decision. Feelings like the ones I'm having at the moment are the exact feelings I have tried to ignore for many years now.
My paranoia grows as every movement, every word spoken, every action and every intention one could encounter trigger the lying parts of my perception.
I'm blinded by the strength of my paranoia as all sorts of emotions try to invade my mind only to push me into a weaker state of mind.
The paradox of everything I'm writing is also the cause of this last minute paranoia.
My body is preparing for the worst and the world seems to conspire against me only to make sure that my failure is complete.
Every good spell must come to an end and this day certainly has all the signs of "One of those days" .
My paranoia is even starting to push those buttons which shouldn't really exist in the first place.
A sense of hatred and anger circles my veins just waiting to burst, knowing full well that it would definetely destroy me, inside and out.
The pattern is clear...
By this time tomorrow I will have my verdict and I can assure you it's bound to be just as bad as I see it know. Anything else would be nothing short of a miracle.

Ambiguous times.

It's been a while since I wrote here. Mainly because it's been a long time without any incidents really and my mind has been awfully quiet. Well a part from all the normal despise, disgust and prejudice which are consistant within my mind that is.
But then I decided to make things difficult for myself.
With a narrow time frame and a lot of interaction to be made I can only establish the current situation as near impossible.
I didn't really know why I did it, but then again it had to be done. No more hiding, which by the way is one of many qualities that I possess.
Now I have to endure the part where I am utterly helpless. Well according to me I am, although some people will beg the differ.
This is also the part where all my lack of experience in this kind of situation will take it's toll.
You cannot solve what you do not know, and right now I'm fumbling in the dark looking for that minimalistic stream of light that will enable me to find my way out.
An unlucky outcome would of coure be the part where I'm stuck in darkness for eternity.

Of all the options and all the outcomes, the one path I will have to take still remains hidden from me. I have no idea what to do next. As always you fear what you do not know, that is why I fear this situation more than anything. Even though the leap I took is one far bigger than any I've taken recently.
Should I succeed, then I have beaten the hardest odds, defying my existence really.
Yet I can't help feeling it's not up to me. Logically it shouldn't be on me at this point. But my logic has failed me before, this renders me utterly confused as I strive to reach some form of clarity in this mist.
Yeah that is exactly what this is, a mental challenge existing of mist and darkness.
Mist & Darkness. How could I ever believe I was able to penetrate both?