Thoughts of some sort.

Time for a cleansing.

2010-03-06T19:12:00.002+01:00

It would appear that I must cleanse alot of things close to me.
I would so like to point out exactly everything to all of you but I will choose not to.
Mostly because I wouldn't want to put people in the spotlight because of what they have done and most of them aren't even aware of their actions.
But people have made a choice towards me, and it's not a nice choice in anyway. But instead of confronting me asking me things and trying to figure out where I stand they do things their own way thus making my opinion unnecessary.
So I have recently seen tendencies from people strengthening my awareness of the situation, and in doing so making me more prone to starting the cleansing.

If people only had the guts to tell the truth more often. Which seems to be the main ingredience lacking from the majority of people I confront. Why the truth terrifies everyone is not a mystery but it is still a known fact that the truth is scary in general, because of what it can do to people.
If this means that these objects of my cleansing is afraid of me and what them telling the truth might make me do, they are wrong.
But I am ofted sorted into a specific category by people. This being largely my fault, but it still pisses me off that people can't see beyond what I once was and focusing on what I am now.
Then they might see that telling me the truth might stop me from having to cleanse anything at all. But the odds of people telling me the truth are quite cosmical at the moment.
The sad part is.. I am not surprised.

It takes but a second.

2010-03-02T18:45:00.003+01:00

I haven't really researched about whether or not there is a term for a depression which occurs ever so seldom but when it occurs it takes but a second to crowd out your mind.
If there is a name for it however, then I got it.
It struck me ever so swiftly, ever so badly. My stomach curled up and everything I've worked to forget came back with a bang. So today I have faced a day where everything seems obsolete.
I don't want to think, I don't want to feel.
It's one of those days where existance in itself is undesirable from my part.
To untangle my stomach and be rid of the thing inside it for only a moment would be bliss, but it will remain tangled for a while longer.
If my depression would give me a headstart, a time buffer which I could use to make the necessary preparations, then it wouldn't be so bad. I guess that's the thing about depressions, they are always bad, but some surprise you more than others.

Tonight I fear I have to face all those things that depression brings once more. I know what happens when I lay down to relax, things get so much more tense. If only my tinitus would get louder, then it could help me ignore all those voices of mine. No im not paranoid or crazy or anything like that, but if you have had some sort of depression in your lifetime you know that the brain tells you things. It tells you what you don't want to hear, but at the same time it tells you what you have to hear solely based on the fact that you are depressed.
So hear I am, in the midst of sudden depression... and it's just as bad as last time...

Collisions & the absense of joy.

2010-02-13T19:27:00.002+01:00

Well lets start out on a simple note, so many feelings and events has collided lately that it is almost annoying. But it shouldn't bother me since I am in almost no way directly connected to these events that still possessed the power to get on my nerves. And further more I have to come extremely close to these events within a near future which could render in some interesting evolving of the way I control my emotions. But we'll leave that subject for now...

The absense of joy is eomthing else entirely. I almost never feel joy. Why this is I do not know, but it seems that I have a hard time finding the joy of things that other people seems to have no problem enjoying. But what worries me is that this is another step towards becoming emotionally numb. That frightens me, I would have no real insight or information about myself if I should enter this numbening state. As much as my feelings and my mind are both a good and a bad thing I still feel it is a necessity to have them around.
Technically it would affect me like any other person, so that's nothing new. But it would be a brand new thing for me to become emotionally numb and I don't believe you'll ever come back from it. This stresses the issue that I have to find out more. But how do you find out new and important information from a thing that is successfully regressing every single day.
The faltering of my inner soul, or something poetic like that. That is what I must fight against.
That is my current fight... well the biggest fight of them all...

Someone is having a laugh.

2010-01-04T18:52:00.003+01:00

Having a laugh on my expense that is. I've mentioned conspiracys before and i'll mention it again. It feels like one big conspiracy. One large crappy conspiracy designed only to make me miserable.
Someone should be accused of mentally murdering whatever sanity I have left.
Every little thing, seperately it would be no big deal, but all these little things put together sums up an ocean of mishaps and mistakes etc. etc.
There are several moments each day when my brain resorts to extremely dark thoughts regarding a quite large mass of different people.
Not that I can actually understand why my brain constantly chooses to torment a specific kind of people, that evidentally has done nothing wrong towards me, and by doing so rendering me totally confused and quite pissed off.

Small ignorant gestures, small acts that just strengthens my belief that all people have some degree of idiocy within themselves. What separates people from people is how much of that idiocy actually leaves the human body in form of a sentence or a glance or general behaviour.
Why people consistantly release there idiocy without even the slightest consideration is beyond me, but it is also so abundantly clear because of the many ways the human totally suck.

(BTW the rush of just blurting all your emotions out there again, it feels good. Frightenly good.)

I didn't say anything.

2009-09-03T23:33:00.002+02:00

Or at least that is the assumption that obviously has been made.
Maybe people have been consciously ignoring what I have said due to the fact that I can be full of nonsense. "The boy who called wolf." comes to mind.
Why?
Because I often joke around and can be quite hard to take seriously so when I do actually become serious people ignore me. They choose not to hear me because they are so certain that I am still joking around. This is of course a thing that I can blame on myself to quite some extent, but I should tell you that I have become more serious than I used to be. Even if it is not that apparent to many of you.
So I do try, but being serious doesn't seem worth it when people won't hear what you are saying.
At the same time I am faced with a dilemma, if I point out that I feel ignored, those who start listening at that point probably just listens because tehy feel sorry for me. That leads to people listening to me because they HAVE to and not because they WANT to and how much of what I am saying will they remember if that is the case.

So I want to tell people I'm feeling ignored. I almost want to smush it in peoples faces so they don't treat me with that kind of disrespect. This also means that I have to work hard to be someone who listens to what other people have to say.
But when I get ignored over and over again from people I really listen to when they speak, it is like being spat in the face. Like my opinion is not important what so ever.
So I'm feeling ignored.. but then again if I am ignored I reckon no one would read this far in my post anyway. If you did.. thank you for showing an interest.

Life Spark.

2009-08-08T00:37:00.004+02:00

By now you as readers are probably well aware of my mental status. I also bet you are aware about the fact that whatever crosses my mind doesn't surprise me. But now I will have to prove myself wrong as I found 2400 reasons today why, the statement that I won't get surprised by my thoughts, is wrong.

No matter what state I have been in I have always felt. I have always had emotions that can be linked to every situation. I have had dreams, visions, revelations, appifanys and all these have been with a certain emotion inside me. Different emotion for different situations of course but emotions none the less. Yesterday I believe I might have encountered a new low. Not a dramatic low, but a huge low. For approximately 2400 seconds, or 40 minutes if you will, I was emotionless. I didn't feel anything. Because of my non-emotional status I can only reflect on these minutes because of how I FELT before and after.
Before that moment I was lying and thinking as I do sometimes. Thinking about everything and nothing. At some point I must have thought about something my mind would classify as forbidden, thus shutting down my entire existance it would seem. I can't really explain it but 40 minutes of my life disappeared almost as quick as you snap your fingers. But I am so aware of the fact that I didn't feel anything.

After I "woke up" from this state I got really sad. Really, really sad. The mere fact of being awake and actually experiencing emotionlessness was horrifying once I understodd what had happened. I believe that for about 40 minutes, or 2400 seconds if you will, I lost my life spark.
Now it seems I feel more than ever because I don't want to go back to my non-emotional state again. Life spark remain with me.. please..

A sense of belonging.

2009-08-04T22:38:00.002+02:00

I believe that every person has a particular place in the world where they belong or even better, where they FEEL they belong. Most people have found that place and can in many ways be considered lucky. After much thought, and a long episode of reminiscing my entire life, I came to the conclusion that I actually don't belong anywhere. At least not in a way that I feel like I belong.
Every subject which I have come into contact with in my life has rendered me friends (Yes that is a good thing) but I have never really belonged.
I remember so many people, some which I still keep in touch with but also all those who I have no idea where they are in life. I remember them but I do not feel like I belonged with any of them.
There is only one person in my life which I can truly say I belong with. That person has unfortunately disappeared and can as such give me little help in this matter.
This person is from way back, but it is still one of the most important persons I have ever met considering what this person did for me.

Other than that I can't say I've felt a real feeling of belonging. For those people which I hang out with today I beg of you to not get mad at me for saying this. These are feelings that has nothing to do with who you are as persons, because I am grateful for all your friendships. These feelings are just there anyway. I have felt them today, I felt them yesterday and the day before that. I can honestly say that I have felt this feeling for a very, very, very long time.
I want to focus on how to get the feeling out of my head. But it is easier said than done since I have to find that place of belonging. That particular place in which I know, with every fiber of my body, that "This is where I belong and there is no other place in the world where I can feel the same way".

But finding such a place would set other thoughts and feelings in motion. When you find your place of belonging, how could you possibly leave willingly when you know in your heart that this is your place. Could you even be bothered with existing in another place knowing full well where your special place is located?
I find this hard to believe, but the moment you know you've found your place of belonging, the moment you know you can't feel much better. Oh, how I long for such an emotion as it is a gift and an illusion at the same time.

The sudden wake-up call.

2009-07-20T10:06:00.002+02:00

I haven't had a reason to post anything and for that I am quite glad. Not that I don't want to involve you as readers of what I feel. But my posts are of the negative nature thus making any absence on the blog a good thing.
I write this post today, the post that should have been written yesterday. Fortunately this is one of those times when I remember what I intended to write.
You could call it one of my best but worst wake-up calls of all time.

To connect it to past events is inevitable. Mainly because it has everything to do with certain events of the past. Events that I don't really want to remember. All I can say is that during a short period of time inside one of my dreams I had astounding clearity. There were no dreamy blurs, no interupting in any way. I saw a person which I hold dear, but a person that I have nothing to do with any more. But our paths will cross again.
This person came to me in my dream and said words I would have liked to hear some time ago. Even though it was just a dream the words spoken somehow granted me a temporary calm which I will try to hold on to for as long as I can.
This person just came to me and said: "I'm sorry"
I kindly replied "No" which of course seems oddly strange to tell someone who just apologized. But it was like my mind was aware of the events which envolved both me and her. Yes it was a girl.
Why I kissed the girl afterwards is also weird. But we kissed and I woke up. Both happy, annoyed and angry. Then it all settled down and I chose to view this intense part of my dream as a subliminal message that allowed me to lay to rest what had happened some time ago.

But a kiss in a dream from a person I care so much about is also hard to experience. So my mind was probably playing me some huge prank, but this time it is safe to say I have come out of this situation without a scratch. What I carry with me is the mere knowledge that I have actually moved on. At least for now...

Over before it started.

2009-05-17T02:43:00.003+02:00

I have had about a million different choices for this blogposts title.
But the one I chose really says it all. It was over before it even started.
Although I am an agnostic there were certainly signs this evening that a greater force was really in motion desroying all my hopes.
A divine entity that was battering on my every emotion making sure that whatever I wanted was not for me to have. Seldom has the message been this clear, seldom have I been this far from even having a fair shot and seldom have I come to such a crystalizing truth about myself as I did tonight.

I have found three earlier posts that really define my recent experience:

1. "The Roy Syndrome"
All credit goes to Rostad the creator of "The Roy Syndrome" theory. He was right in every way. What chance does the good guy have? Tonight was one of thos nights that really strengthened my belief in "The Roy Syndrome" and everything it stands for. Deep inside of me I really wanted him to be wrong, but there was something about that text that was just shouting out the word "truth". The correctness of the text has also been proven to me on several occasions.

2. "The Nerd never gets the Girl"
Perhaps the most apparent one of these three points. That's just how it is. I am the nerd, if I would say otherwise I would lie. This sentence is also directly connected to "The Roy Syndrome" so they both make everything that more undisputable. People would of course try to find some loophole in this depressing sentence. But there is really no loophole, I find it is merely the truth manifested in a somewhat tragic sentence.
To break free from this sentence I would have to say you need a darn huge miracle. As an agnostic I would really like to avoid this sentence but you would need "An act from god". Yes I know an "act of god" would be a miracle I just wanted to make myself clear.

3. It's just one of those days.
I could refer to so many days that would fit in to this category. This has definetely been one of my main candidates for "Most sucky day of my life". With that I don't mean that everyone I met and everything I did was bad. But the good times was most certainly overshadowed by the bad in ways I didn't even thought were possible. I can't really see how anything good could come from a day like the one I just had. The day itself was a proof of my as it seems endless accounts of failure.
Perhaps my recent spell of good days in a row had to be balanced out. (I think there might be a huge theory on the balancing act which has a really cool name but I can't remember it)

So there you have it, three extremely good reasons that really sums it up in a fantastic way don't you think?
It was over before it started, I can't compare with other guys. I certainly don't have what so many people call "Game". That part has eluded me thus creating somewhat of a huge problem.
A problem so severe that the sentence "It was over before it even started" is possible.
Maybe I was foolish to even try, because I just have to look at my own history to find numerous of bad-timed ill chosen moments to try.
I'm so upset of my failure that this post has taken me close to 40 minutes to write as I drift of to analyze what I did wrong. The ecuation is quite simple. I did everything wrong as always.

It was over long before it even started... in what world could I possibly beat anybody...

A pattern of certain days.

2009-05-16T18:56:00.002+02:00

You could say I'm only half-way through this day but already the pattern is clear.
The pattern repeats itself as so many times before. I can't really control that negative side of me right now, it screams out with such ferocity that I just might go crazy.
I want to ignore I really do, but it penetrates every soundwave anything in this world could conjure at this point.
A part of me actually wants to hurt somebody, but I can't control the aim so I believe that I will be the one getting hurt.
My paranoia grows and the intensity and occurence of dark thoughts increase by the minute.
This is why I am a coward, this is why I somehow always make the wrong decision. Feelings like the ones I'm having at the moment are the exact feelings I have tried to ignore for many years now.
My paranoia grows as every movement, every word spoken, every action and every intention one could encounter trigger the lying parts of my perception.
I'm blinded by the strength of my paranoia as all sorts of emotions try to invade my mind only to push me into a weaker state of mind.
The paradox of everything I'm writing is also the cause of this last minute paranoia.
My body is preparing for the worst and the world seems to conspire against me only to make sure that my failure is complete.
Every good spell must come to an end and this day certainly has all the signs of "One of those days" .
My paranoia is even starting to push those buttons which shouldn't really exist in the first place.
A sense of hatred and anger circles my veins just waiting to burst, knowing full well that it would definetely destroy me, inside and out.
The pattern is clear...
By this time tomorrow I will have my verdict and I can assure you it's bound to be just as bad as I see it know. Anything else would be nothing short of a miracle.

Ambiguous times.

2009-05-16T01:06:00.002+02:00

It's been a while since I wrote here. Mainly because it's been a long time without any incidents really and my mind has been awfully quiet. Well a part from all the normal despise, disgust and prejudice which are consistant within my mind that is.
But then I decided to make things difficult for myself.
With a narrow time frame and a lot of interaction to be made I can only establish the current situation as near impossible.
I didn't really know why I did it, but then again it had to be done. No more hiding, which by the way is one of many qualities that I possess.
Now I have to endure the part where I am utterly helpless. Well according to me I am, although some people will beg the differ.
This is also the part where all my lack of experience in this kind of situation will take it's toll.
You cannot solve what you do not know, and right now I'm fumbling in the dark looking for that minimalistic stream of light that will enable me to find my way out.
An unlucky outcome would of coure be the part where I'm stuck in darkness for eternity.

Of all the options and all the outcomes, the one path I will have to take still remains hidden from me. I have no idea what to do next. As always you fear what you do not know, that is why I fear this situation more than anything. Even though the leap I took is one far bigger than any I've taken recently.
Should I succeed, then I have beaten the hardest odds, defying my existence really.
Yet I can't help feeling it's not up to me. Logically it shouldn't be on me at this point. But my logic has failed me before, this renders me utterly confused as I strive to reach some form of clarity in this mist.
Yeah that is exactly what this is, a mental challenge existing of mist and darkness.
Mist & Darkness. How could I ever believe I was able to penetrate both?

The creator might be the solution.

2009-04-27T00:39:00.002+02:00

So the most recent problem was created by someone. It did not occur from nothing as some problems have the tendency to do.
Knowing the source of the problem is of course a great advantage. Now I can tackle the problem knowing that if I hit a rough patch I can always seek the creator to find guidance.
This seeking of the creator is where I stand at the moment. I have to find the creator in order to get the guidance I need at the moment.
There is however somewhat of a catch as far as seeking the creator goes.
When you seek the creator looking for guidance you need to be 100 % clear in what way you need guidance. If you ask the creator the wrong question you will get guidance but not in the right way.
So right now I'm preparing myself for when I meet the creator.
It is crucial that I get that meeting just right, otherwise the problem will linger on. It's not the end of the world if I should fail, but I really don't want to. I have to go for the better alternative this time around. Mainly because I know I hardly won't lose anything should things go ill.
With that security I feel confident towards the meeting with the creator.
You might call me a coward since I wouldn't dare risk anything if I knew there was more to lose.

If all my calculations are correct the meeting with the creator could be tomorrow already.
There is a small possibility that the creator should actually make fun of me for making this inquiry about receiving guidance.
That is a worst case scenrio for me at this point. But the probability of that scenrio actually occuring is very small.
But then again things has always intended to go the wrong way when I'm involved so a worst case scenario wouldn't surprise me either.
I'll finish this little segment with the source of my problems to whom I need guidance.
I can't really read the people I wish I could read... that would just make it to easy wouldn't it?

The effect of a sentence.

2009-04-24T01:26:00.002+02:00

This post will be about one sentence. The sentence itself will not be written in this blogpost. That would make it to easy for you as a reader to figure out.
The sentence was when uttered meant to be friendly, but that's not how I choose to interpret it.
It somewhat digged deep into my very core making my head as confused as it can be.
I should also mention that said sentence was not spoken today, but recently.
Even though it was said with the best intention is got twisted along the way to my brain, the sentence is very mcuh connected to one of my older posts.
The sentence revolves around one initial thought I once had, a good thought, and a way to optimistic thought at that.
So it all faultered as my optimistic thoughts tend to do. I put that thought and all events connected to that thought behind actually hoping not to re-experience it. Even though the thought was as optimistic as previously said.
All of a sudden during one conversation a person utters a sentence which sent my mind wandering back to that thought and events tied to it.

What also has my mind concerned is the fact that the person who said the sentence believed that something was going on in my life that I haven't even seen. This doesn't mean it hasn't happened, but it raises the question if it has happened without me knowing.
If so, I feel really weird and will not be quite sure how to tackle possible situations should things progress.
It's not that a part of me hasn't wanted this, it's just the whole situation. Hearing that specific sentence from someone who isn't involved in past events which are tied to the sentence.
I get so frustrated knowing that one sentence can start to play with my mind in this way that even my awareness of the game doesn't change my way of thought.
How I will tackle this whole issue will actually be known to me after the weekend, at least I hope so.
One part of me feels great, another part is just trying to commit suicide by the mear thought of experiencing previous events once more.
One sentence might ruin me... how about that?

Confusion is upon me.

2009-04-22T23:53:00.003+02:00

Ok so I have told you at some point that I often make the worst first impression. Something i'm working on but none the less it's still an issue. So when you meet new people you always have the knowledge in the back of your head that "You don't make a good forst impression".
That is my pessimistic side emerging to once again make me do the wrong thing or just fail in general.
So I still believe I make the worst first impressions because i'm not really capable of changing the way my mind thinks in that particular subject.
I haven't really gotten anything validated by anyone else and i'm not sure aanyone would actually tell the truth about it either.
Some people do however tell me things that I can immediately recognise as facts regarding their forst impression of me. Some things are actually good but are often evened out by bad things as well. Those persons who do knowingly or unknowingly speak about me, and my first impression, don't always realise that sometimes it's really like someone punching you in the gut.
I know it's not always peoples intention to say these things in a bad way, but no matter how they say it I will always feel hurt in some way.

So now to the thing that bothers me, I meet people know and then and I do remember when people mention things regarding my first impression.
What bothers me is the fact that everyone has so many scattered things to say about my first impression that i'm starting to believe that I don't really have a personality any more.
I might be a mixture of personalities that collide and as such can't have a personality of my own that is clear and consistent.
All this just makes me harder for me to define me as a person as I seem to drift into some kind of non-existance, being someone without an actual identity or personality.
I just feel plain confused about the whole thing..

Sunday special.

2009-04-19T01:07:00.002+02:00

Well if you haven't noticed it's my third sunday in a road i'm posting a blog entry. Well many would technically call it Saturday but I really couldn't care about that right now.
Since I haven't read through my blog recently this might be subject I've already adressed but I'll do it again just to be sure.
Events of recent have been happening with mixed feelings. "An emotional rollercoaster" to use one catch-phrase. I was really glad because it was such a special day a couple of days ago and everything seemed great, but I encountered human betrayal and lack of respect once again. Every good thing that the current day was suppose to represent somehow got overshadowed by the sad factor that is the human race!
At that very day it was easy to put aside and focus on more important things that was going to happen. Now that I have had the chance to melt that wonderful day I still get stuck by the lack of respect I was showed during this day.
My past caught up with me in a suspicious way and it actually showed me that, even though there are many things I am sceptical towards which turns out to be much better, there are some things I should be sceptical about but that I have no suspicion towards what so ever.
So I got fooled by onw of the oldest tricks in the book. So inviting and trustworthy was the whole situation that it had failure written all over it.
Now I can learn from my "mistake" , if that's what you should call actually truting someone, and try to forsee the same tragical event before hand to such extent that it can be avoided completely.
Now I can look forward to more situations of the same caliber, situations that should be friendly and welcoming only to swiftly change into a hostile and threatening one.
This is all because of my past and people who cannot let go of that past, people who can't let go of the person I used to be.

That ladies and gentleman was this weeks Sunday Special! Hope you enjoyed it...

Back to dreaming.

2009-04-12T00:55:00.002+02:00

Just recently I was sleeping.
Not recently as in minutes ago. Recently as in a couple of nights ago.
The following day I wanted to write about my dream or dreams from that night. But I did not. The dreams were so much to process I had to give the dreams extra time to fully understand the contents.
I do not know if my mind sensed my own physical distress and because of that chose to divide that partciaular night into many many small dreams.
I also don't know if my mind somehow remembered every single dream I had that night and because of that linked all my dreams together so that when I woke up I felt I had dreamt a lifetime.
What I most certainly don't know is if I even at this point fully understand what went on in my head that night.
And what I never want to know but I will have to find out eventually is whether or not those dreams will become reality.
I have spoken earlier of dreams so clear you could swear they were talking to you. Every single dream that night was clear as day, and the contents of them had all the possibilities of coming true.
It seemed like every bad feeling i've ever felt was crammed into my dreams.
Every bad scenario I have ever imagined regarding my life was put into motion. My mind put me in the lead role of my future life, enabling me to see all the bad things that could happen.
I also have to say that one of the shorter dreams I had was an anomaly. It was a hopeful dream, dreadfully hopeful.
Now it's time for bed yet again and I cannot help wonder, will I be guided once more by the things my unconscious has picked up that my conscious is still trying to elude? Or will I have to face the harsh reality that could be my future life once again?

A prelude to summer.

2009-04-05T00:37:00.002+02:00

Today I saw a great change in the weather. The sun gave us warmth and the wind blew softly and gently. Everyone seemed happy as the warmth of the sun turned their winter moods into a summer-laughter.
As most people turn into glad and positive entitys, and all other positive things that summer weather brings, I turn into a more dark being.
Summer is not the time for me. Well that's not entirely true. There are certainly days during the summer that even I can call good.
The warm weather that came today reminded me of so many things from my past. My past wasn't bad in any way so the majority of memories were in fact happy memories.
But many of those things which sprung into my mind are so positive and so good that it makes me kind of depressed because I'm most certain I won't re-live any of those moments again.
There was also the factor of a death from last year that surely will make me fall into some sort of grief many times during the summer to come.
So many good childhood memories are linked to the now late person and a certain place to whom that person is connected. The person and place put together represent everything that summer is to me.
Since both the place and the person is no longer in my life it will be most difficult to experience a summer which would be remotely close, happiness wise, to the summers which I have had.

But now to the majority of my concern. Since I often thrive on the sadness and depression of others I function best during the cold and dark parts of the year. As other fail to see happiness and joy I go the opposite direction. It is not a feeling of choice, it is just the way I work.
Now dark and cold times are over and we can see the sun, hear the birds, see the change of color and of life. With these things come the joy and happiness of others and as I continue to go the opposite direction. Well you figure it out..

Summer is not a season ment for me any more.

The unpredictable.

2009-03-31T00:43:00.004+02:00

Since most of us are so aware of ourselves in the way we think, act and analyze it is not surprising that people with that kind of self awareness can predict the outcome of several situations in which they find themselves throughout life.
I can predict most things coming my way but I've noticed a recent change in that particular area. All of a sudden things are no longer clear and several things has happened, most of them good believe it or not.
Have I gone this blind over the years that I have actually lost the ability to forsee happiness and joy. Am I so used to things not going my way that my mind has solely forgot how to predict that which is good?
Not one of the abilities I am very fond of losing, but it does make some kind of sense. Happiness seems to come along so seldom these days that some sort of sadness has clouded my mind making it all that more difficult to spot the good things, even if your staring bliss itself in the eye.

But being able to predict happiness may also render in the loss of pure happiness because if we have the ability to forsee good things we also lose the moment of positive surprise towards that moment of happiness.
So I am faced with a problem. I could endure not knowing when good things are about to happen and let my mind continue to single out the bad moments and helping me forsee them. Or I could learn to forsee good moments as well and can with that knowledge steer my ship to the more joyful moments which I often crave to some great extent.

Another dilemma, it seems they just wont run out.

The interpretation of dreams.

2009-03-27T00:18:00.003+01:00

You do it, I do it, animals probably do it. We dream.
Dreams, they are fantastic improvised images created by our mind with the help of what we experience in real life.
Some say dreams have a greater meaning to them, others simply insist that dreams are only dreams.
Some people do dream but are unfortunate enough to forget whatever went through their mind during the late hours of the night.
I, on the other hand, remember almost every little detail of my dreams. My dreams are still as most dreams are, weird an inconsistent. But something within my dreams seem to call out, thoughts of my subconscious aching to be released from my conscious forgetfulness.
So whenever I wake up it seems like their is something from my dream that tell me what do do or more precisely what I can do without forcing me.
Small hints and tips to guide me through life. But no matter how hard I try to remeber that single moment of clarification, that seems to occur in every dream, I can't.
It is both disturbing and annoying, knowing certain answers was revealed to you mere minutes before my mind pushed me out of the diverse stories and events which I call dreams.

I usually have one really long dream and as morning approaches the dreams increase in numbers and also increase in clarity. Although the longest dream usually is the more flipped out and interesting I often have to put it aside. I have to focus on the shorter dreams and remember what I can before most parts slip away.
I guess some of you would incourage me to write my dreams down so that I can later look back and try to interpret them to the best of my abilities, but I choose not to.
I believe that if there is something in my dream that has enough importance to me in my real life then I would never forget it even in my awakened state.
Maybe im grasping for air and such clarity through a dream will never occur, but for me to believe that dreams have a greater purpose then us humans know is probably what helps me fall asleep.
I fall asleep only to see if my answer already exists within me, deep down where only a subconscious mind can go.
Mental adventures are awesome!

Changes.

2009-03-23T00:56:00.002+01:00

Things have very much changed since I last wrote, some things remain unchanged, some things have the possibility to change and some things are not even worth mentioning.
It seems like this blog might be coming to an end.
Every mental image and each scenario I decide to discuss seems discussed.
I can see my own mental pattern as I relapse into old ways of thought and everything that pops up in my mind has a "deja vu" effect.
It would seem I should be out of topics to write about and that is exactly what is happening.
I am running out, which would seem like a good thing but at the same time it's sad. Since I enjoy putting my thoughts into print.
There is however one subject which is vital to discuss.

The changing of people.
Because people do change, but it is not the changing that is the interesting part. What is interesting is what triggers the change and what people change into.
So many small insignificant factors play a huge part in the smallest events when it comes to people changing.
A chain of events spiral into one particular moment in which one person can see the apparent change another human has made, but only if both persons have some sort of connection to one another.
Only when you "truly" know someone you will be able to see the remarkable changes that person can make when put into a certain situation. Or the change they make when exposed to objects that sets ablaze emotional flames long forgotten within the human mind.

But these changes that seem to occur so suddenly can be for both better and for worse. We have all seen people be corrupted and destroyed by the wrong influence, others become great people which can be looked upon with admiration and respect. Most of the time however the change will only render in the part which is for the worse. Why this is can be discussed and pondered upon.
Maybe it's best to leave everyone to their pathetic changing and never speak of it again, but when the changing can be more controlled maybe then should we worry about the fatal consequences which most likely will occur when the wrong person makes the most incorrect decision. A decision with all the capabilities of the destruction of this world.

System overload.

2009-02-20T19:15:00.002+01:00

It all seems to be building up on me and I can't seem to do anything right. I can't solve anything. Everywhere I look I see disappointment and failure. I would love to have a plan figured out and I would love to see the future.
I would love to be rid of all things directed at me and instead make it all vanish into thin air.
To dissolve everything in my path and find tranquility wherever it may hide.
I want mental serenity and I want a clear mind filled with bright ideas and hope.
I want to kill and save everyone at the same time and my contempt and disgust towards humans shift ever so often only to confuse me even more.
My mind swaps between a feeling of calm into total chaos and despair.
Desperation sets in and it feels I wander this earth in vain, I feel i'm walking on a path that only leeds to oblivion.
The days fly by as I lose myself within every thought and every emotion.
My insides jump of joy and at the same time decays by sadness.
Peoples glances says more than they ought to and peoples actions seems that much harsher.
My intentions and judgement are both clouded by the fatal breakdown that occurs in my mind.
I can't run and I can't stay.
Everything I do is a contradiction to those things which I have already done.
So for now I am truly lost and the tunnel keeps getting darker...

Deadlock.

2009-02-08T00:52:00.002+01:00

Everything has come to a deadlock, which only increases the amount of failure in my life.
I cannot afford a deadlock, not now, not ever. It seems as though I am blocking myself from crucial information which is required to break said deadlock.
Yes life goes on and so does time, but the deadlock has a much deeper importance than just being a deadlock.
It represents so much that has been going on and it is preventing several good things from happening. I try to go forward, I try to solve it all, but nothing seems to work. Have I lost my touch to read myself and see what is troubling me?
I can't answer that question because it's all in a deadlock, hence I can ask the questions but the solutions are not available to me at this point.
As several happenings has changed my priorities in the past days I have also been able to spot what's up ahead and even though it is clear what is coming the deadlock prevents me from facing these events.
This will render in most unpleasant consequences that will really change the frest of my life.
So I ask myself, is it really a coincidence that the deadlock occurs at such crucial times as it is?
Probably not, but now I must work around my deadlock in order to figure out it's purpose so I can solve it and be rid of it. Only then can I once again challenge myself on a mental level.
Only then can I be 100% sure what is to come.
Deadlock + Future = FAILURE!

Coincidence?

2009-01-28T00:53:00.002+01:00

It couldn't all be a big coincidence. That's just not a possibility.
I see things, take them in, process and finally I conclude.
Now that i'm done concluding it's like a big plot that has been put right before me.
The plot itself shouldn't be described in any particular way, it's just a plot.
The way the plot got in front of me, that's the interesting part.
I feel like everything is speaking to me, everything is telling me everything.
No matter what do I do or which direction I look there is something there to remind me of either what is going on with me or what has already happened.
The things I see never determine the future, it only give me quick glances at what I have to expect in a somewhat near future.
The fact remains however that random things in our world seem to speak to me. What this makes me I don't know, but I do know I feel quite strange and weiry.
We doubt everything that everything says and at the same time I deny it.

"Everytime you look into the future it changes, because you looked at it and that changes everything" . All of a sudden that particular sentence makes all the sense in the world. Should I live by it or should I only accept its existance? Should I acknowledge its obvious truth or should I despise it for the many lies it might be telling me?
That sentence might be the answer to all my current paranoia which seems to just flow from me like a silent force waiting to strike me down. It waits for the right moment though it probably senses that my time is not now.
Every voice, every truth, every conclusion. They assemble in a whirlpool of lost thoughts waiting to find its context in my life, waiting to be released into its true form.

Transformation is only a paranoia away...

Trifles.

2009-01-26T23:58:00.002+01:00

Why is it that people cant always contain themselves emotionally when it comes to trifles?
I've seen many people in my days burst by the simplest trifles you could possibly imagine.
What is that thing that blossoms within a persons mind and suddenly explodes into a million emotions set out to destroy whoever gets in its way?
This could be tied back to a previous post of mine called "People need insight".
Because let's face facts, people without insight probably doesn't notice when they snap for the smallest things.
The withholding of feelings, that's what it is. We walk around and things happen to us, so we ventilate our feelings to near friends or psychologists or whom ever. Thus we relieve our body from whatever anxiety or disturbance it may have.
Some people choose to harvest their feelings, this will result in the emotional explosion that often occurs over a trifle.
We just let all feelings bottle up inside of us and eventually we burst, the sad part is that harvesting feelings also makes us blind. We loose sight of how we really feel, and then BANG!
One insignificant event leads to the breaking of friendships, the breaking of a relationship, the breaking of ones spirit.
Someone always get hurt. It is almost an inevitable fact that has to be considered carefully.
It is a daily thing, most of us experience it several times a week, and when that happens you could ask yourself this.
Am I in the same situation? If you are be cautious of your actions and make every attempt to relieve your body of those harvested feelings so that you avoid hurting someone close to you.
For those who aren't in that situation I say beware, events like that may be closer than you know.

So trifles, accept them, solve them in a mature way and you might just get some people to open up and share their feelings instead of snapping at you.
Or you just have bad luck like me and it all goes to hell...

Equally complicated?

2009-01-23T01:06:00.002+01:00

Could it be that women and men are equally complicated?
Or is it just a myth impossible to verify since we all have our different angles of approach?
I have made huge considerations regarding this subject in the past, but as always there are triggers to rekindle that long-lost thought lingering way back in your head.
So are we equally complicated? Because as far as I know that doesn't really make sense. Men are far closer to the primal ways in most of the things they do, women are more sofisticated.
The needs, beliefs, inspirational sources, way of thinking, decision making etc. are all impossible to compare between the two genders.
Yet we insist that one is more complicated than the other. That seems kind of unfare, because you can't really compare if you only have your own personal experiences to go by, they tell not the truth nor do they lie, they are exactly what you have told yourself they are.
Interpretation is the key here, should we speak to an über-psychologist we mind find some truth in who is the more complicated one.
I have however decided to give you my version of this unending (?) dilemma.

Women are the more complicated ones for several reasons.
They choose to be complicated in the way that they say one thing when they mean another and always rely on men to figure out what they actually mean. It doesn't apply to all women of course, but a vast majority of it. Men however often say what they mean, though it is strongly controlled depending on the subject.
Women tend to hold back on more things but they show emotion, men blurt out most things but tend to leave it all quite emotionless.
I can't think of another major factor right now, however there are more things to the puzzle, but that would mean I have to get personal and that's just not going to happen.

I stand by my thoughts as I refuse to interpret what women actually mean when they say something. Although it could be alot of fun. I have chosen to interpret why they choose to speak in codes and such.. and I have yet to figure out and answer.
There is one question I have to ask myself though, why do people go through so much shit (to go straight to the point) ?
Yes I know my posts also contain alot of crap I guess. That is because this is readable by everyone who finds the page, thus rendering a withdrawal of the thoughts and information I possess.
But in real life and in a real discussion.. why go through the trouble?

External sources 2.

2009-01-19T00:42:00.002+01:00

I thought of something else regarding this subject. It's called fear.
Because I can relate to other sources I tend to see what happens to them. The outcome of situations in their "life" are often options which my mind would never consider. I can as such add a possible outcome if the same situation happens to me. This renders fear... unfortunately.
Because they often face situations I haven't had a chance to experience yet, this means I feel fear depending on the outcome of their situation. Should go things go bad for them, then I automatically assume I would do much worse in the same situation.
So I watch and I hope they solve whatever they face in the most succesful way, and at the same time I look at the probability that I should be able to solve it the same way.
I hope, and at the same time I am afraid because there is always several bad options to be considered, and nothing considers bad options like my brain. Not according to me anyway.

The time has almost come when I will be faced with new events thanks to the external sources.
I can already say there will be at least two events this week which can greatly affect me. This number however will also increase to a certain three events a week not far from now.
This makes me wonder, will that increase my hopes and my fears, or maybe if one external source comes to a sort of standoff, then I only have to worry about two sources.
People might say I should consider leaving the external sources alone so that my mind can be a little more at peace with its surroundings. That is however not an option I'm willing to accept at this point.
I feel that whatever happens to my external sources it might come to great use in my own life, and it might happen quite soon.
One things for sure, the upcoming events will trigger more thoughts.. but will they trigger good or bad thoughts?

External sources.

2009-01-18T00:45:00.002+01:00

Let's begin with a simple explanation. I have let external sources guide me through life, and many sources at that.
Now the important part.
How has this happened?
To a large extent all the external sources, which I have let influence my life, are quite similar and can as such be explained in a fairly easy way.
The sources are mostly TV based, and to be really honest it is mostly fragments from each individual source which interest me.
I see myself in those sources and I can relate to most things they do, but I'll never be like them and I will probably never achieve the same success as them. It's amazing how fake people can actually have such great impact on one man, but they do, and that frightens me in so many ways.
I look at them and see myself. Sometimes I see good and other times I see bad, not a surprising verdict but that's the way it is.
The sources (fake as they are) share my inside, and they definitely don't share my outside.
So take the outside part away and there you have me. I see myself in them, thought wise!
Things they say and events that happen are often direct copies of things that has happened to me over the years. What separates us is the fact that they find solutions to their problems, something I have yet to accomplish.
What goes through my mind the very moment they solve a problem I am familiar with my mind goes blank, I see rage and I see anger, frustration and desperation towards the fact that I won't solve my problem any time soon.
Despite all this I still look at them the next day, and I ask myself, why can't I be like them.
Deep inside me I already hear the quite apparent reason, it's too late, it really is too late.
But for all I care, I would not sit hear without the external sources, they are a drug and a curse, and I love them for it.

As time goes by.

2009-01-09T00:36:00.002+01:00

Since my last post i've experienced a funeral, a christmas and new year. Oddly enough these experiences doesn't seem to stick. So many other things push them away, so many things that desperately needs solving. I'm not even in an emotional low and yet so many thoughts haunt my mind. My constant despise towards people and my ever existing self-pity.
Several times during the past days different things have come up. The weird thing was that my mind did not use the standard way of thinking, it used weird paths that I have seldom seen. Whats even weirder is the fact that the way of thinking was applied to all my thoughts. For once my mind did not make an ounce of sense, I should maybe replace it, or my mind is just overworked with all the crap I choose to deal with.
This might be one of the reasons that my blogging has been oblivious of late.

There was one thing however. The feeling of chaotic lonelyness, it crept up on me then devoured me in an instant. I can't say exactly when it happened, but I was shocked at the time. I know something bad is about to happen, because everytime lonelyness becomes this apparent things have always turned for the worse. As much as i'd like to have female options to consult with, it sseemingly pointless to even consider such a thing right now, because the failure of my closest aquaintances have been many during the last two-three weeks.
One thing I have noticed is the apparent complication that people get when they promise things. It's not that I am surprised of the fact because it's not the first time and it sure ain't the last.
What worries me is yet again peoples inability to examine themselves in order to make right what they seem to do wrong all the time.

A little side quote to all this: I see in peoples eyes long forgotten looks that remind me of a time when I did not appreciate life at all. The bad part is you can never tell the looks to disappear, for they are bound to the connection between me and those who carry the look. It's a large chain of effects that does not break easily. Even if I have no intention of breaking it just yet, I must always wait until the most oppurtune moment..

Self-discipline.

2008-12-23T00:47:00.002+01:00

The title might exaggerate what has actually happened. I've had many seperate thoughts lately and although they would be somewhat interesting I didn't feel they were large or important enough to get it's own blog entry. Then all of a sudden I get this twitch right before I go to sleep. I'm referring to last night, when really dark thoughts hit my mind. I got cold inside, thoughts long forgotten re-surfaced in an instant. Could it be that many of my dark thoughts and memories are not stored inside my head, but stored in a specific location.
It all felt like som sort of deja vu, me lying in bed not really having any cares at all, and then BANG. Is it healthy having a brain that functions like this?

The thoughts themselves are not something I'm going to post here because it's something that I'v e written about before. Let's just say that they were the kind of thoughts that seemed so real you actually thought they were happening. I still believe they are going to happen right now. Selfish and unselfish thoughts at the same time, pathetic and true, serene and chaotic. Thoughts that are everything and nothing. Normally my own disturbed mind would ignore the thoughts quite quickly, but then again there are moments in life which seem so absurd that you can't even call it a coincidence.

I saw a movie today, a movie that just might reflect what type of person I will become some day in the future. I did not like what I saw. Then again it's not completely false, because I have been known to hate large crowds, and I have been known to have days where I just recent people. This movie sort of validated many of my dark thoughts I had yesterday. I would go into detail but that would disturb the sleep I am about to have. So I'll leave you with two little questions. Does our life predict our future for us sometimes? Do we really have any power at all?

Where is the girl from the dream with the hug... she might be the one to save me...

Diversions.

2008-12-11T00:36:00.003+01:00

You could call me lucky, having so many diversions in my life that I forget how I normally feel.
Unlucky that no matter how many diversions there are I will always go back. The same state of mind as always and the same ways of thinking. Now and then I wonder if I might be to comfortable with how my mind works. Maybe I should be more conserned about how I actually feel. Then again doing anything about it seems kind of oblivious at this point.
Maybe I should aquire additional diversions, making me unaware of everything that goes on in my head.
All I can say is that once i'm totally lost there is no going back. That means I have chosen my path and that is not something you have the ability to change.

Diversions has helped me quite recently, diversions helped me overcome my latest double setback. Not that i'm surprised about the setback, it was a low odds situation. At least I didn't get as sad as I would normally have been. I think I tackled it quite well and because of that I feel some sort of pride towards myself. I made a choice as well, a choice I wouldn't normally do. I would tag along and accept the fate of the moment, but now I took charge of the situation and was able to rule out different options to my benefit.

This all sounds very promising and positive, but it's really just one of those times where I have to start all over again, from scratch. I am so accustomed to the situation that I almost can't bother. We are back to zero, we are back at nothing to once again start chasing the impossible. I could do with some more diversions in the near future, no doubt. Because apparently I haven't seen or heard the last of myself... not yet anyways.

People need insight.

2008-12-02T21:10:00.002+01:00

You heard it! People need insight really bad. Of course it's not a bad thing in every aspect. People who are already doing good could do even better with insight. So it's basically a win / win situation for everybody. Insight people, INSIGHT, you don't even have to pay for it.
I have some form of insight, and of course it can be improved, but i'm still content that I have as much insight as I do. Alot of people however have the possibility of true insight, but they often choose to ignore it to make the choices that most would consider "Sinful".
A gift as good as insight and yet our fragile minds insist of not using it, unless we really think about things and turn to reason a.k.a "a form of insight".
As much as I would like to see insight in certain people at this moment, I also like to see some form of decent humanity.
Lies, deceit, jealousy, whispering (In the shape of trashtalk whispering) and backstabbing. Simplistic forms of sins indeed, but we use them to often. I have learned to avoid the jealousy, deceit, whispering and backstabbing. Yes I lie, but who doesn't these days. I on the other hand insist on using only white lies.

Why am I bothered of all these subjects, well it's not hard to guess really, it's right there within reach. Some sins could be forgivable in certain situations, and I don't condemn anyone who uses one sin at one time. When it becomes a bad habit, then I start to recent and despise those persons. Should they later be rid of those habits and do serious attempts to re-establish themselves as good people, then I would most certainly give them another chance. The prospect of most persons, to whom I am refering, to actually do these good deeds seems so distant.
The situation in itself is so sadening. To see all these people throw away so many good things and for what?

I need respect, insight and some god damn human decency. They are not available on the market, you can't buy or create it. You have to lure it out from it's hiding place within our personalitys which are areas so hard to penetrate that most give up before even trying to find it. That is when we have to seek for it however, because some people have the great understanding of allowing insight to do their bidding throughout life. Creating a better place for all of us. Unfortunately it doesn't really have the ability to compare with the darkness that infects many people.

Give everyone insight and we might be saved...

Hug from a hero.

2008-11-23T23:53:00.002+01:00

Considering my large productivity of thoughts and blogposts last month, eventually I would hit a dry spot. So for almost 20 days (Second time i've had a break about that time) I have actually have no depressing encounters or events that would give my self-esteem a new blow.
So then you might wonder why I felt I had to write a new post at this moment.
Two things has made this entry a possibility, a dream and a song.
When I say dream I don't mean "I have a dream that one day I will be the best of the best", I mean a dream that you have during the night of course.

The dream itself really isn't interesting so I thought I'd specify the dream and focus on a specific moment within that dream. I can't really give a 100% detailed description of what she looked like, but I know she was probably the most beautiful person I've ever seen. She was just a bit shorter than me, long darkbrown hair which was held up by a headband. She had brown eyes and one of the loveliest smiles you could imagine. That's all I remember though, I can't really see her face clear any more. In the dream I was sad for some reason, inconsolably sad, then she came and just gave me a hug. For no apparent reason at all. With all due respect to people I know in real life, the hug I got in that dream was the best hug I've ever received. The hug lasted quite some time and there was such truth in it that I was left in chock when I woke up. As you could have predicted I was sad that I had to wake up, I could have stayed within that dream with that hug forever. I wonder who she was, I guess I'll never find out...

Then there is the song, so simple, yet so mighty. I can listen to it over and over, like with most songs I really like. This song however is quite different. It brings some sort of calm to me, a tranquility which only I can be apart of. The song could easily have been the background music to the hug. The question I ask myself is why I like it so much, is it the melody which has me captivated? It is good however, it brings alot of emotions and chains of thought, but all and all it is a good song.

So I leave you with this song, I hope it can give you just as much as it has given me.
Kleerup - Hero
Simplicity and beauty at it's best.
So this blog entry goes out to the mystery woman in my dream. Who ever you are, take this melody with you.

The number increases.

2008-11-05T22:42:00.002+01:00

It keeps getting larger and larger. I remember looking at that number when it was down to 8000. But that was a long time ago. I even think I glansed on that number when it was down to 7000. Time flies when you're not having fun. Yes I should forget about the number and just leave it be, however the number means both good things and bad. We all have a number, mine however is quite large in comparison to my age. Most people don't even have a number, but I do.
The number truly represents my failure and yet it represents so much more. How I managed to hold on and how I managed to stay alive. One thing is for sure, the number will not be the turning point as it increases to one more, the number won't help me get what I need. The number is a reminder, no more, no less. Perhaps one day I can stop counting and not just one thing, two things simultaneously ticking and increasing at the exact same rate, maybe I could stop counting on behalf of both things. If both things stopped ticking I could at least say that I'd accomplished some good. No, I don't mean good as in "good for everyone else", I mean good as in "Good for me personaly".

I enter a new stage which I couldn't have dreamed of 10 years ago. It is actually about 10 years ago now, not the original number but another number. Has it really been that long? What happened?
I just came to a revelation both saddening and disturbing. It's been going on for 10 years, do I need to listen for 10 more years.
As one number stops so must the others (eventually). The original number, the one who started it all, the dreaded reminder which I can not remove, the dreaded reminder which I can't really be without. For that number represents me and the number is about to become 8766. So I might still be here for the 17532. Although I hope not, because it is an eternity and beyond, it is torture on a mental level. It is a must, but it doesn't have to be the only way out.

Numbers, numbers, numbers... i'm still counting... are you?

A lack of interest.

2008-10-31T15:24:00.002+01:00

At the moment I have a huge lack of interest. Nothing seems interesting somehow and I can't figure out what has triggered this emotions or lack there of. This has also resulted in the non-blogging the recent days. Several times I sat down and started writing when suddenly everything came to a halt. I had to stop several times and at the end I felt I just had to give up my blogging attempts. At the current moment I feel determined to at least finish this blog entry.

So I have been pissed off from time to time, mainly because the football results in the world have spoken against me, but I have also been pissed off by the fact that I have failed quite alot the past months. Just the other day one of my previous comments about people (From another blog entry that is) came true in so many ways I actually got scared. Alot of people are real idiots!
I'm not gonna give away names or anything and those who has treated me with disrespect doesn't follow this blog anyway as far as I know. Being this pissed off just renders other thoughts to pass by in a flash, thus making it impossible to even remember anything other than the anger and rage which twirls in my head.

Don't worry i'm not going rampant or anything, smashing things in my way as such. I keep the anger inside, hoping I get to confront the idiots who has treated my with disrespect and letting them know just how much of an idiot they really are. Then again I shouldn't sink to their level. I'm going to be the bigger person and not do anything stupid. Maybe i'll achieve success one day...

Women.

2008-10-25T20:28:00.003+02:00

So before getting started with todays subject, I would just like to share with you a thought I had earlier today. I had several things running through my mind and at least three of them could be turned into a blog-entry. So I got the brilliant idea to post the three things as suggestions and have my readers decide what I should blog about. Then I came to the conclusion that I really can't see too many people following this blog with it's depressing nature. Plus, I don't believe that everyone who would have read that entry would actually vote, so that idea was best left alone...

Okay anywho, Women!
I discovered today that there are practically no women in my life, none that I know who I could hit on or for that matter even get feelings for. I was deeply sadened by that, because the truth is, most of the time I have had at least one girl whom I could give my attention to.
Now it feels like I have none. There were potentials not too long ago, but one after one they all kind of faded away. So now I try to figure women out, even though it is destined to fail.
It feels like I know nothing about women at all, they function in a different way, they snare hidden messages into many things they say etc etc.
I search my mind in order to re-examine all the things I have learned about human behaviour only to notice that most rules can't be applied to women. The reason for that is, my knowledge about human behaviour are often main issues which regard men and women alike, but don't have the depth to be applied to any of the two genders.
If I knew the human behaviour of women it would be alot easier to analyze whatever they say and whatever they do, because let's face facts, I don't really possess the art of speaking to women and I can't say I ever had.

So what I have to do is figuring women out, which just seems like a uncomfortable thing to do, and here is why. If I knew exactly how women worked I would probably discover the quantity of things I had to do to win them over. The amount of work I had to do could actually scare me away in contrary to motivating me. Many would probably say that knowing everything takes away the element of surprise and the thrill of the game. Me on the other hand would relish the chance of knowing enough so that I finally could get a girl and quit playing this depressing game. As of recent there are really no girls in sight for me, and that just sucks big time...

"The nerd never gets the girl."

2008-10-23T21:26:00.004+02:00

Those particular words stuck with me. Even though they were contradicted and proven wrong at a later moment, the original words saying "The nerd never gets the girl." echoes in my mind.
Okay, maybe an external part should really confirm the fact that I could be called a nerd, perhaps geek or dork are more appropriate words.
So it's not really the nerd word i'm hung up on. It's the meaning of the sentence and what it stands for. There is of course more depth in that sentence than you might understand at this time.
The sentence itself implys that a "nerd" never gets the extremely beautiful girl. With society functioning as it does that is not completely untrue either.
Many of us are obsessed with outer appearance (Yes I have brought this up before). Just knowing that the sentence to a large extent is true, that is what pisses me off and lowers my self-esteem.

I would gladly revoke the sentence from ever being uttered. Since i'm not capable of such remarking things I will instead try to somehow get the echo out of my head. As so many other bad things, this echo gets to me, no matter how innocent it was at that moment it's still torment for many persons minds. Many would probably tell me that I should ignore that sentence because it isn't "true". What many people also do is tell you what you want to hear, even though they really know that the sentence itself makes a lot of sense. Friendship versus realism is something you could call it.

Maybe the reason for me reacting the way I have towards the sentence just shows you how easy it is to get to me. Pathetic as I am I just sit here, paralyzed from feet to head, trying to figure out how to make the echo go away. Using the sentence as a trigger to achieve bigger and better things is not an option, because I couldn't really go to many days with those words in my head. So for the moment i'll have to endure the hard words of partial reality which clearly says "The nerd never gets the girl.".

Tired.

2008-10-18T23:08:00.004+02:00

I don't mean i'm tired from blogging. I'm mentally tired. Today I have read and experienced things from a sort ouf outside "point of view". It has made me aware of certain things, one thing in particular which scares me quite a bit. My main interest is my problem, I need to find someone who can accept the fact that football is not something I like watching, it's something I NEED to watch. So I came to a conclusion that if I am ever going to be in a relationship I need to find a girl who can accept and understand my interest, or it is bound not to work. Football is one of those things I won't give up. Some might say that in order for a relationship to work you have to make some sacrifices. Football, however, is a thing I cannot sacrifice even if my life were at stake.

It still bothers me though, I can picture the day I meet a girl I like extremely much and the one thing keeping us apart is the mere fact that she probably despises football. There might be other things that I enjoy doing that doesn't sit well with girls I meet. Another question popping up in my head is "How much does the girl I meet have to be in to me to overlook my big interests, even if she despises them?"
It bothers me as hell, and yes this is on the border of insanely pessimistic thinking, but my mind is still my mind and by now you should be used to the way my mind works.

I can at least say that today and parts of yesterday have been "brighter" days since my mental collapse a couple of days ago. So it's going in the right direction, how long it will last is a totally different issue which I have no answer to. There is hope at the end of the tunnel but i'm still to afraid... damnit...

Reluctant understanding.

2008-10-15T20:06:00.003+02:00

Something tells me that certain things are to obvious for us to even be aware of. I recently noticed that even though I practically told the truth to someone regarding the person I talked to, they still didn't see that the truth was about them. Maybe we don't always want to know the truth and therefore our mind automatically shuts out whatever we may find out about our selfs.
I wish I could be more straight forward as far as the truth goes, then again im still a chicken being afraid to actually tell people how I feel. Sometimes I feel to many feelings at the same time which renders it quite confusing to tell anyone how I feel.
I just wish that I had the guts to say what I need to say, there are some who are to be considered candidates as far as knowing the truth. However I must make a choice between these candidates. Why you ask? Because at no time, what so ever, can the truth be told to more than one candidate. Outsiders may know, but that can cause problems, so I would not advice anyone to do so.

So here I am sitting, with a truth. Yet I am not certain the truth will do the persons involved any good. One reason for that is the mere fact that im not even sure myself if the truth really is the truth. There are some loopholes that I have not yet figured out, and to figure them out I have to throw myself out there, making me vulnerable to so many things and so many people. So yes I am a chicken, I am also indecisive about what to do.
I leeked another truth, that's why. So the rules have changed, because the first truth is out and with that comes change. Change that could be for the better and for the worse, unfortunately for me this is just one more thing I can't figure out.

My mind is actually starting to hurt, how am I suppose to solve this? Now that so many factors are working against me? Time stepped in and reminded me of certain things that I was also reminded of exactly one year ago. Time has helped me understand how the people involving the truth has changed over a specific period of time. Taking that into consideration I really have to be focused and one hundred percent sure of everything. Assumptions are not something I can afford right now.

Confused? I bet your not nearly as confused as I am.

An answer presented.

2008-10-13T21:39:00.004+02:00

So I figured out one of the things that crossed my mind a couple of nights ago.
Once again I thought of my personality and the variety of areas it covers. Like I am torn between so many things, that I find interesting that people who meet me can't quite figure out what kind of person I am.
It bothers me of course and I have on many occasions thought about changing who I am, but I don't really see how that would help me since this personality seems to be all I got. As my interests are mostly male dominated areas it certainly makes it harder to attract women (Like I didn't have problems before?).
Frustrating as it is, that was one of the more relevant thoughts I've had in some time. I felt kind of enlightened by the fact that it all made sense in a sad way.
The curious part is why I didn't feel this way the last time I had the same thoughts, is it because I am older and more wise? It could also be the result of me slowly breaking down, and in such accepting the flaws that I have in order to forever stay a loser.

One down and one to go, what was that other thought that struck my mind? Was it nearly as interesting as this was? Maybe I pulled a trick on my own mind creating a thought seemingly important but in real life it was a mental bomb waiting to explode. I am sure that the answers will follow as I look ahead. Yet recent discussions and events made me quite uneasy about what is to come. That topic however, will be saved until tomorrow perhaps...

Strike one.

2008-10-12T14:21:00.002+02:00

My hopes for yesterday evening was to remember the important thoughts I had the night before. This however failed, there was one time where I felt I got close, but it wasn't spot on so I left that thought alone to further search my mind in hope of discovering what I needed.
So I have given myself a maximum of three more nights and should it be that I haven't remembered anything until then I will just have to leave the search and continue as I always do, confused and depressed.
Not that I would get anything positive out of the lost thoughts, it's basically an affirmation of things I already know but from a new perspective.
I do know what chain of events started the thoughts, that should make it a possibility to backtrack in order to find what I am looking for. So you could say I am currently in a huge processing fase which will take a while, I will use large chunks of today trying to find what I need.

Two seperate threads of thinking still connected by my pessimistic ways of thought. That much I am certain of. Too bad it doesn't do me any good at this moment as i struggle with things I should leave alone. Other parts of my life intrude and interfere with one another making it hard for me to separate my thoughts. Even writing this just enhances my current state of confusion. I just wish I could find those thoughts within my head, I feel there is something or someone who will get a positive effect from knowing exactly what went through my mind at that particular moment. Now it's more or less a game of "Wait and see" until I find what I am looking for.

Memory loss.

2008-10-11T14:55:00.002+02:00

Last night as I was laying in bed I came to hink of some horrible things. My thoughts at that time were probably some of the darkest thoughts I have had in at least 2 years. Many of those thoughts unfortunately made perfect sense and I was on the brink of losing my mind. In the midst of my dark but yet infernal brain activity I came across some ideas and some facts that I found extremely intriguing. I remember, that just before falling asleep, I said to myself "Be sure to remember this in the morning."
However, as I sit here I can not for my life remember the exact thoughts. I do however remember that I had them, which really pisses me off.
Maybe I should have got up and written the thoughts down on some piece of paper, but I was really tired and all those dark thoughts had taken away both willpower and strength thus rendering me utterly useless and weak at the time.

I'm sure these thoughts will come back to me, perhaps tonight if I am lucky. The reason for me to have that hope is that there are seldom one single night where I have dark thoughts, it is usually three to four nights in a row where I only think about dark subjects. That is why I am quite sure that I will remember that which I should have remembered today, tomorrow, or the day after that.
As for now I will search my mind in order to find that which was important at the time. Even though I consider it a good thing not to remember all those dark thoughts in the night...

Too obvious.

2008-10-09T22:17:00.002+02:00

It is i'm telling you. Way too obvious for me not to understand. I speak with people on a daily bases and I have found, as I most certainly have mentioned in previous posts, that people don't find me that interesting. It then bothers me even more that I am left out of so many things regarding people I know, because no one seems to share with me as much as I would've liked to. This could be explained with the help of my personality. It must be flawed somehow or at least have a characteristic that scares people off. I'm not a smooth talker and have been known to say the wrong thing at the wrong time on numerous occations, but I still want to be part of things and not always shut out of conversations. I don't have many close friendships and I have never known some one I would call "my best friend" . This could be a problem as I struggle to find people who find me remotely acceptable to be able to include in their life somehow.

Just recently I spoke to people and found out that unless I make contact with them first there would be no conversation what so ever. Not if I believe the many observations I've made anyway. Am I that boring that almost no one freely takes the initiative to talk with me? Those few who actually do still won't let me get deep. So I am limited to an extremely small number of people to confide in at times of need.
That is why I very often consider not to talk to people at all, PERIOD!
But who knows it might change for the better... NOT.

Rules of conversation.

2008-10-05T23:09:00.003+02:00

In conversation it's very important that at least both parts take an interest in the conversation.
That is why I feel that lately most of my conversations include only one part, namely me. Then again when only one person talks it could be considered crazy rambling. It's kind off sad that I should show such an amount of non-interesting sides of my self to actually scare people away.
I really try to be at least ok-interesting. That is however quite the struggle as I have a largely limited story telling capacity. I wouldn't want to lie now would I?

As the rules of conversation (when including me) has changed so drastically I feel like I should totally change approach considering everything that has to do with me and conversations. Choosing different topics, changing my attitude to most things in order to appear more interesting than before thus inviting the conversational counterpart to feel more comfortable. I could also just go the other way as the pessimistic part of my brain strongly suggests. Normally for such a "small" thing as this topic I would ignore anything my pessimistic mind has to say. However my "bad brain" makes alot of good points regarding most things and that's why I find myself struggling more with myself than the original problem with conversations. Yes I know the sentences get quite long sometimes.

Now I have to re-evaluate those people I know to find out where I should start in building conversational confidence. I hardly believe that people who know me could even think I would have these types of problems, but I do. I am who I am, destined to fail, destined to question myself. See already having conversations with myself again...

From bad to bad.

2008-09-29T17:25:00.002+02:00

I went away but I still feel queesy inside. Is it because my decisions of late hasn't really turned out the way I wanted? Yes indeed it is. However I will cope because of all the things I have to keep in mind and do during my visit to my hometown. My sanctuary holds many memories, both good and bad. This is a good thing in the long run because I always think clearer in a neutral environment such as this one.

So I went away from a place I would like to call dark. Mainly because my mind goes dark there. But I do miss the first place, I do, there were several possibilities there that I didn't have the time to explore. There will be a time for such things but it is not now. Mentally I have to recharge to yet again face the reality that is life. Will I face it alone, MOST CERTAINLY. Depressing thought? Indeed. Necessary thought? Indeed.
Sometimes you need to look upon the most logical option no matter how dark or depressing it is.
I have faced this truth and can as such endure for a while longer.

Yet my mind lingers to obtain whatever hope I had before my journey. For my departure closed doors I would have very much liked to remain open. But you can't get everything in life and even though many things have not been concluded I am sure they will be in a near future.
I wish to live in the far far past, but all I am facing is the future.

Another one of those days.

2008-09-24T23:07:00.003+02:00

I'll just tell you about the continuing path straight too hell or something quite similar to hell.
When all actions from counterparts seem to have hostile or ill intent. Most people wouldn't even bother to apologize, let alone admit the fact that they made a mistake. Moments after their none respectful action towards me it's all forgotten and other "friendlier" faces take their mind of it and all is good. Let's just say the equation doesn't involve me to be a part of anything these days, because let's face facts, people don't like me. It's not based on hatred, it's not based on disgust (well some are). It's based on the fact that my personality just doesn't mix very well with anyone else. The very few that do understand me have not been forgotten and can as such be delighted to know that this post is not about you people in any way.

So I decided to hide in solitary for a while only to be able to reflect on the day, but more importantly to calm my mind down before imploding by the very thought of human decency being something people actually know how to have. Yes I am pissed off, disappointed and mad.
Should I be blamed for feeling this way? Partially perhaps but not entirely. Could the journey back to sanctum relief me of all anxiety, hatred and contempt? I hope so.

Yesterday sucked, today sucked, what does tomorrow hold? Suckers perhaps.

Surprised?

2008-09-24T00:13:00.002+02:00

For one this is my second blogpost in short succesion. Plus the fact that I am once again correct. Everyone who analyzed the situation otherwise is wrong, and I was right. Who knew? Well to be frank, I DID!
Sadened by the truth, indeed I am. Suprised by the truth, not even close. Still it kinda breaks your heart. Lets take the initial number and add two. What do you get? The most failing result of all time. Indeed I have failed, failed tremendously. One part of this enormous equation did things the easy way.
Follow these steps and you'll see what I mean. Part A = A part used only to delude. Part B = The wanted part. Part C = The seeking part. C wants B, B doesn't want C. In order to get rid of C we use A as an object to state the fact instead of telling the truth. Yes humans suck, merely because some people don't have the decency to tell the truth, they hide behind actions or other peoples words.

As I said before, it was one of those days, when all potential hope and excitement just disappeared in a heartbeat only to remind me of the f*cking life I am living. So before heading off to bed i'll leave you with a pessimistic motto or thought (whatever you like to call it). "Every day sucks, you just haven't figured it out yet."

It's one of those days.

2008-09-23T18:13:00.002+02:00

I have that queesy feeling in my belly. It just doesn't feel good. This evening could make it better, but i'll just go ahead and say it's gonna get worse. Why this feeling you wonder? Because that's how life treats me. I wish I could do something right in this situation and get recognition from the ones I need recognition from. I also doubt that so would be the case. However I must survive today because alot of things depend on it.

Let me describe the feeling a little closer: It's like a small man sitting inside your stomach and poking you with a sharp knife. Every breath seems to weigh in at several tons. Your throat and nostrals tsrat to clog as your muscles seem weakless and heavy. That is what I am feeling and if it continues I just might think that I will actually get physical harm from this feeling.

I wish that when I saw the correct thing my inner gut would tell me "YOU ARE CORRECT!" . The only words I hear "Probably wrong!!" and things of that sort. If I could just block out my thoughts for a short while, then I could see things more clearly. But as I have already stated, IT'S JUST ONE OF THOSE DAYS! Endless in it's existance, devastating to endure. to be continued?

A choice of much importance.

2008-09-20T20:19:00.002+02:00

Indeed it is a choice I am half reluctant to make, none the less I have made it. It feels good, it feels like this could actually go somewhere. I'm not certain my mind is healthy at the moment. So many positive thoughts, yet I am still me, at the same time my mind brings out the worst possible scenario. I know for a fact that the odds of good in comparison to evil is not good at all. Let's just say I would bet on evil. Lady fortuna will not be smiling my way when it's over. The one positive thing this choice brings me is the knowledge of actually making the choice.
Two there were but only one or perhaps zero shall remain. That is the consequence of my choice, that is the anxiety behind the choice.

I'm not sure I will be able to see any real answers in the near future. In fact i'm not sure i'll see any answers until maybe May next year. Then it could be too late and THAT worries me. Because even though I could go back, even though I have possibilities to succeed even after my specific time frame, which I have given myself, i'm not sure I could do anything. So time is of the essence and time will always struggle against me.

So a choice has been made, by me. This choice might be something everyone else could be a part of. Then again, the alternative is something I can't even think of at the moment. Although the alternative lies very near, it is almost like I can see it happening already, but I don't ever want to think about it. Where did the positive thoughts behind the choice go?

A slap in my face?

2008-09-10T23:27:00.003+02:00

I should get a slap in my face. My brain doesn't work this way, and what has happened can't be more than a lie. Yes, you heard me brain, listen to me my brain, it doesn't work this way!
Anywho, it is quite interesting and quite disturbing at the same time. It is also totally contradictory to what I normally do. I should really get a fat slap in the face. Not one but two there is, and that should've never happened. I'm not going to make a choice because i'm not that kind of person, I wouldn't hurt anyone that way, or would I? SILENCE MY BRAIN! BAD BRAIN BAD BRAIN!
Just go with the flow they say, but that's not really an option. I also hate when things are actually out of my control. One thing my brain does think is correct, "You know you're gonna f*ck it up, or it just f*cks itself up, the situation that is"

I ask myself over and over "What the hell are you doing?" which is a just question in times like these, where it apparently looks like i'm out to really destroy myself this time. Depression and anxiety is just around the corner, waiting to slap me in the face. I'd rather someone else slapped me in the face. I can't stop thinking about this situation I have put myself in, i'm not sure how to get out of it either. I must act smoothly (Yeah right) . I will fail.
I also feel this whole thing is gonna leave me totally embarrased, and ashamed. Mainly because I fail so often with things.

I can guarantee you that several men in this world would dream of my situation, but as you might have understood i'm not one of those men. This isn't how I operate and I swear if I hurt anyone i'm gonna damage myself so badly. I just need to figure it out but this is far from anything i've ever experienced. This is so not me. Until next time.. SLAP ME IN THE FACE!

Changing is for the worse.

2008-09-06T21:50:00.002+02:00

So someone actually told me what they saw when they looked at me. The words I was told echo within my brain. To apparent. One contradictory sentence really got to me, it tears me up, and with all right. "I can see your using a shield, you don't need it. Just be yourself" Here's the deal, I am in a way in need of attention, because my normal personality is far from amusing or interesting. In fact you could quite simply call me uninteresting. I have "manly" interests, i'm not very fond of exploring and trying new things, i'm your typical stiff person. I use humour so that people at least have something to discuss with me. I have also used my "humour" so much that I am labeled as "the crazy guy". What woman likes "the crazy guy"?

As soon as I go normal and stop making jokes I come out as a depressed boring person, which I am beneath all the crap I project onto people. So either way I'm f*cked. I could become myself = A depressed boring person and know that I'm not lying about how I am. Or I could go on about my crazy business and appear normal by "people who knows me" standards, but in that case be doomed never to meet a woman. Yet everything that happens at the moment is happening against me. It's not funny at all. Suicidal thoughts? Occasionally. Suicidal attempts? None so far.

If you want to help this poor bastard, kick him in the nuts, he probably deserves it. Best wishes! An idiot in every aspect. (Im talking about myself people)

Truth and stuff...

2008-09-03T00:27:00.003+02:00

I wish that truth was easy, it is everything but. I lay and shivver by the mere thought of telling the truth this time. It just pisses me off. I wish I could just go to sleep but I must write this down. It should be so easy. I tell the truth and it all goes my way, but we all know it never does. It pisses me off. I fall in to the same trap as always and the outcome is so easy to figure out, it's almost inevitable. I can't even stop myself sometimes, it's like I intentionally plan to ruin everything for myself. It really pisses me off. I'm not sure what to do, I need help, but a special kind of help. Help that I know is nowhere to be found at the moment, mostly because they have all abandoned me, those who I thought mattered.

I am lonely, I am pissed, I am doomed. It seems this is the easiest way to describe it all. Yet people insist of telling me only what they think I want to hear and not the solid facts. Which quite frankly would be more appreciated. I just want the truth from somebody else, that way I can shut down my mind. I could stop worrying, I would stop analyzing, I could even stop this blog. Then again we all know it isn't that easy. The truth is always twisted, the truth may come with a price. I am just so damned pissed off, at myself, and at those who I know I can't tell the truth to. The truth is actually signing my death certificate.

The truth always comes with a price and that just pisses me off, if someone told me the truth then I could die without worries and i probably would. No doubt about that...

Empty mind.

2008-08-30T00:19:00.003+02:00

Ok, once again regular patterns are shown by new people. Not that i'm surprised it's just that annoys me just as much as it did before even though i'm prepared for it. You even look into some peoples eyes and you can already see things that you wouldn't expect to be there so soon. Emotions such as disgust, confusion and boredom. I still try to change but it's just not that easy.
These eyes, eyes of new people, people I don't know at all basically, they can already make assumptions about me, assumptions that are correct. Am I that easy to read am I that easy to brake down into small fragments.

The only good thing about this is the mere fact that I actually have time to change how they see me. Maybe I even have the opportunity to change two eyes in particular. I wish they would look back a different way. But hey we've been down this path before so we know how it ends. I guess i'll just try to change the larger masses and work my way from there. Yet doing so is way to hard as the large mass consists of so few.

I do know I have to make an effort because I don't really feel like being looked upon this way anymore. Sadly enough my mind isn't sad at the moment, it's empty, it's blank. Im getting freaked out by this occurance. Am I so used to being sad and depressed that, in moments where sadness should present itself, I now feel nothing?

All and all, people affect me here. They affect me more than they know. I have to change that but feel temporarily incapacitated to do so. My mind is torn confused and empty and I don't like it one bit.

20 days of absence with no result.

2008-08-26T18:44:00.002+02:00

You would think that after my non-blogging I would have achieved something good in my life or had some sort of emotional revelation to guide my way towards a better life in general. I hate to disappoint you but that hasn't happened. Instead I have embarked on much more distressing things that have in many ways shattered my mind on numerous occations.

A fond return to school has sent my thoughts wandering deep and dark paths that I am all to familiar with. An ever fonder return is that off faked emotions and social disrespect which have both been spat straight into my face. All new things must be analyzed properly so this would not be my final evaluation of these emotions, however I'm starting to se a quite disturbing pattern and if it unfolds the way I have forseen I might be up for one of the toughest mental challenges I've had in a long time.

Yes it is dark, utterly dark, but still small shimmering lights are there to be found who still gives me that small extra push to convince my mind whenever it differs from its original thoughts that there might be hope for me yet and that my existence isn't in vain. It's good to be back.....

Fastidious.

2008-08-06T20:22:00.003+02:00

Yes that's what I am in many aspects of my life. Food being the major one, however it's in the ladies department where it does the most damage. For example, if I meet someone it would be a good thing if she at least shares one of my major interests, otherwise it's bound not to work.
Many might say this is a major bump in the road for any girl who would find the least bit of interest in me. That's just how I think, like football, a major part of my life and in which it's something my girlfriend should understand. Because I am that fanatic about football to consider it a subject that a girl must share with me.

All my interests are scattered among several different areas making it really hard to find someone who would share all of them with me, that is however something I do not expect from a girl. Should there be a case please show me this woman so that I can be forever happy. But no, a woman who shares all of my interests probably doesn't exist. I think all my different interests do come with a negative side, because they are scattered and I switch frequently between them it would seem others might find this strange and maybe immature. It could even scare people away because they don't have the ability to really relate to what goes on in my mind.

Third and last; Appearance. This is also something affected by my fastidious nature. I don't need a perfect girl, but I believe she has to be beautiful in my eyes. This is a theory of mine that outer appearance does matter, because I can't really picture a relationship were outer appearance doesn't matter. It's certainly important to be attracted by both the interior end the exterior of your counterpart in a relationship. This theory speaks in my disadvantage of course, but that's just one more shitty thing I'll have to live with.

Fastidious me = DOOMED!

Ignoring is bliss.

2008-08-02T23:49:00.002+02:00

Well the fact remains, many people want nothing to do with me except when they need something from me etc.
Yes, I have also done that to people, but i've regreted it and promised never to do so again.
You try to make plans to meet people and hang out, but they keep coming up with lame excuses for not hanging out with me. Very evil indeed, and some of the reasons given to me are so transparent it's embarrasing.
Ok, i'm not saying all reasons are bogus, but a majority of them are. I also know that some people are so caught up with their respective ones that they can't see beyond that person rendering them oblivious to all other persons in their vicinity. This I cannot understand though I have witnessed this example on numerous occasions.
But seeing the human mind becoming so weak over one person frightens me and pisses me off, to observe the human mind be twisted to make people like me disappear into thin air basically.

So I am ignored, in many reasons, by many people, with different intentions. So when I am left alone, my mind does as it has just done, conspiring against those who stand me close. But then again, keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
I just wish that everyone would leave me alone, then I could truly be at peace and die without hesitation.

A personality gone wrong?

2008-07-30T20:04:00.002+02:00

Once again i've been thinking, and not in the good way, about myself. It is above me how my personality time after time has the ability to drive people off. It is also above me how I many times don't care if I do, but I must admit some people was never ment to be driven away. What is done is however done and those I have already driven away will without a doubt be more than hard to "win back". I am who I am, or at least that's what I keep telling my self only to make the situation a little more bearable. If I didn't believe that I am who I am as far as my personality goes, I would probably destroy myself mentally more than I have already done. This inevitably raises the question "How can you tell yourself something knowing it is a trick on your own mind?". I wonder that myself, and have so far not come up with a single answer that seems logical, I guess i'm just an idiot.

Now comes the interesting part, which ties this entry together with a former one. How can I change my personality to the better when those who dislike it just disappear, or ignore me. I can't change without some feedback on both good and bad stuff. So it's a bitch really, being stuck with a personality most cannot stand. It hasn't driven me mad yet, but i'll bet that moment is not too far away from the present. All these thoughts being brought to life mearly by looking at my msn and facebook contacts, friends does not always get you in a good mood, sometimes they unconsciously hurt you as well...

"The Roy Syndrome" - Created by Rostad

2008-07-26T14:54:00.001+02:00

Have you ever been confused about how women work? Have you ever wondered about what qualities attracts women? Are you interested in a theory called The Roy Syndrome?
If not you can stick your head in the microwave and hope no one talks about it in your presence.

Here's the theory by Rostad based on his observations:

If you speak to a woman, discussing relationships in general and what women is looking for in a man/guy etc. you often hear that the foremost qualities she is looking for is something in line with:
Honesty, consideration, attention and to be listened to, and that appearance doesn't matter so much.
Let us then imagine that we put a man/guy (Whom we in this theory call Eric) in front of this woman with all the previous qualities mentioned earlier and study the result it's going to surprise you.
An interest is often built, but that isn't really what she was expecting.
The woman will slowly develop a friendship with Eric and have Eric as her best friend.
A friend that she will seek out when she needs advice about other relationships and discuss relationship problems with.
Of course there's nothing wrong with this, but it is still not the result you would have imagined.

So what do women seek?
Does it go deeper than this? Is there someone who makes a larger impression than explainable by words?
An invisible bond that tie them together?
To further develop this theory we must finds Erics counter part and examine. So we call Roy.

Roy is a honorary member of Hells Angels (A large motorcycling club in Sweden) , he is tattooed from the neck and down, his primary interests here in life is motorcycles, violence and women in a horizontal position.
His most outstanding feature is that he has problems with his rage and because of that can seem quite disrespectful.
The only woman he hasn't cheated on is his mother and even there lies some doubts.

Lets put the previous woman who met Eric in the same situation as before but this time we replace Eric with Roy.
More often this will result in a mutual (ish) attraction, despite that Roy is the exact contrary to what she initially wanted, she can't help it.
Roys qualities are more appealing than Erics.
Why this is the case is not a hundred percent sure, but one theory says that it depends on more primitive factors.
For example, it might originate from a instinct from former ages, the woman seeking herself to the strongest warrior in the clan and there by gets both protection and a social status.

To make this theory alot shorter and make a summary that is foreseeable it would sound something like this:

What a woman says she want, is not what she really wants. It's of course what she THINKS she wants, but it's not in anyway correct.
For example: Eric attracts the womans more emotional part and intellectual aspects and Roy attracts her instincts. Roy simply has the stronger personality and naturally the woman will most likely choose him as a result of her following her instincts.
This is the theory called "The Roy Syndrome"

Average joe or worse.

2008-07-24T18:55:00.008+02:00

I have come to a conclusion. Actually I have come to a conclusion several times. Since much younger years I have noticed that I am very average, or even worse, BELOW average. This based on that I haven't found anything I am particularly good at. I have played computer games, exercised sports, been interested in music. I have however never found anything that defines me. I know a little bit of everything. Yes this may also be a good thing, but the thing is I know so little about many things that it just seems pathetic. I often wish I could find that thing where I would really find myself and where my knowledge would come to use.

As it is I guess I'll have to settle with being below average. A dreadful word which I don't like talking about but that's what I am. To change the stamp of average is not easy and it's not even sure that I'll succeed. It's almost like a dream that seems well within reach, but every time you stretch to get there the dream slips away just outside reach. This renders in hope which will never be rewarded, so if your not annoyed enough your bound to be. Average, cursed be the word that currently defines me.. CORRECTION: Below average was the word I looked for... my bad...

Even steven.

2008-07-22T21:11:00.003+02:00

Todays phrase "Treat others as you wish to be treated yourself." unfortunately for me this seldom is a truth. There are few people that I know who actually live up to this sentence. They treat me the way I treat them that is. I cherish those few who actually do this, but I am also saddened by those who does not act according to this sentence. To give friendship but not getting it back in the same way. You feel betrayed, deeply betrayed. Many people who does this will not openly admit it, perhaps it's a part of many peoples masterplan: "Act unknowingly when treating a friend badly". I have confronted some people regarding this issue and of course the response is "I would never do such a thing". I wish I could say that those I call friends would live up to todays phrase. I know that this is a fact so far from truth it disgusts me. One of the trends I have noticed is that more and more people are moved to the category "Not living up to the phrase" and very few remain in the "Lives up to the phrase" category.

The question i'm asking myself after saying this sentence is: "Is it worth trying to find people living up to the phrase any more?" it seems like it would be an anomaly, confirming the fact, if I did. Whatever person came up with this phrase sure would be surprised if he/her saw the effect of this sentence, and with that I mean the bad effects. When I write this however I'm not saying that I would be a perfect person in relations to the phrase. If you think I have mistreated you or acted in a inappropriate way compared to how you've been treating me, LET ME KNOW! Im trying to be a better person you know.

Contradiction from a counter part.

2008-07-20T15:26:00.003+02:00

I have in my years actually dated women. I have tried to be a nice guy and treat women with the respect that they deserve. However something interested that I have noticed over the years is a reoccuring discussion between me and the women I've dated. It doesn't apply to all of them but say a majority of 80% can be placed directly in the compartment of said discussion.

Let's start of with that I've never dated a women more than 5 times before being rejected. The interesting part is the rejecting itself, some have done it more smoothly than others and some have done it similar ways to other women i've been rejected by. I have in these rejections found a contradiction which I find most amusing and quite sad. "I like you very much your a nice guy and all, but I only wanna stay friends, but don't worry i'm sure you'll find someone."
1. If i'm such a "nice" guy why the rejection?
2. How can you say that i'll find someone else, apparently you don't like me enough to get together, but instead of telling me what I did wrong you just reject me. In which the next time i'll meet someone they will probably say the same thing because you didn't tell me what I did wrong the first time. So i'll make the same mistakes again.
3. "You'll find someone else" if you didn't choose me why should anyone else, it's an unending spiral. I haven't a clue how to turn it around since no girl ever tells me what I did wrong.

These are some contradictions that annoy the living hell out of me. So i'll leave you with that for now. Got to go find my spiral solution...

Repetative events.

2008-07-18T20:31:00.002+02:00

So I went to town again only to see old familiar feelings resurface. Jealousy that is. I saw alot couples and depending on their appearance I tried to come to some mathematical conclusion on relationships, this naturaly failed but I still sat their on a bench trying to figure out "How?" yet another failure. But it is quite interesting not only to see couples in town, some overly happy about their current situation, some almost looked fed up, but that could also have to do with going around the city shopping. Another interesting thing was how I reacted to it all. Lets just say i'm not happy with the results.

I was in town way too long. My mind got tired with all the observing and analyzing. I felt like going home but unfortunately I had an appointment with a friend. So you tried to see how people used their eyes to glance at their surroundings and at other people. If your interested in human behaviour you have struck a gold mine. Some looks were of disgust others were of desire and some out of pure confusion. So many feelings and so many people, I feel drained of strength after my day out to town. Im now heading to emotional sleep for a while.. *ZzZzZ*

Jealousy.

2008-07-16T21:05:00.002+02:00

Yes jealousy, a very common emotion if you're pessimist and depressed. If you have been single forever the mere sight of a couple drives your brain mad. Jealousy strikes in with no delays, you start to think "It isn't fair!". Yes I know not all relationships are good, in fact many end in bad ways, but those relationships that are good, those shine through the crowds in the city. For us without a relationship it transforms all thoughts into instant hatred and disgust. That's how the brain protects us. Still I wish that one day I will be one of those people walking around the city, yes I know it sounds crazy and at the moment not likely to happen. Yet this dream will strike back at me in a bad way i'm certain.

Jealousy, a feeling for the weak, a feeling for the unsecure people that wander this earth. Jealousy may also involve good intent, but that is a rare occurance. Mainly it is a bad feeling best kept in the shadows never to show itself for the "happy" person. Yet it exists, it poisons my mind and it might be poisoning you as well. I have learned to hide my jealousy, instead I present it to you here were it does not harm anyone. So for all of you who are with someone and feel happiness, I envy you and I hate you. That is the power of jealousy...

Communication.

2008-07-14T22:37:00.005+02:00

Without doubt communication is a really important part of our lives. So it makes me kind of queesy knowing that my communication skills are almost oblivious. Like my inability to stay "normal" when talking to a good looking girl or mainly staying normal at all, this is based on two reasons.
1. I find myself fairly boring should I not act out my crazyness. 2. It's for protection.

I live by words spoken by a true pessimist: "Always expect the worst and you shall never be disappointed." .
These words help me carry out a conversation, because should I get my hopes up I will end up really broken 1000/999 times because , as i said in previous posts, I have no social skills.
This is a huge reason why I've never had a girlfriend. Before you think anything let me tell you that it is a vicious cycle. I get my hopes up, I get crushed, I lose confidence. With no confidence you get no breaks, so you end up deeper and deeper into that black hole of misery which you have created yourself. Created the very moment you got broken the first time.
But now and then I still get my hopes up and after each and every time I ask myself "WHY?" since I am never surprised by the depressing outcome of my tragical attempts of one day finding a girl who actually likes me.

So the odds for my success in this matter should be standing at a world record level att the bookmaker. I wish I could fix it, but as I am well aware of your confidence isn't rebuilt instantly. For some it probably takes a lifetime and that is time I don't have. *Tick Tock Tick Tock*

Balancing act.

2008-07-13T19:27:00.003+02:00

What can I say, I've had two recently good days... before this one that is. Although it hasn't been an awful day it has certainly been annoying. Waking up by the phone to the stairwell door and moments later the telephone rings only to remind me of the splitting headache I'd gotten from sleeping to hard. And yet i'm not surprised by this most annoying day. Two good days ad up to a bad one. Should the two previous day been even better, this day would without a doubt be Evil as hell!

Another thing that I'm reflecting on this day is how some discussions I've ended up in sound extremely awkward because it's almost like they're all about me, even though they're not. I'm wondering if this is someones neet trick to stirr up my mind just for the fun of it. So my thoughts have been crossing over eachother, not allowing me to think straight. So my current plan is to get alot more sleep this coming night, so that I can wake up fairly refreshed and hopefully sort out those thoughts.

Oh right, with my luck tomorrow will most certainly be an awful day, because two good days will add up to at least one half bad day and one hysterically awful day. I already hate tomorrow...

If life was like a melody.

2008-07-12T16:37:00.005+02:00

Maybe one of my better concepts, although it would be annoying after a while. Think of a melody, a melody containing all emotions in this world, but more important, the good emotions weigh heavier within this melody. If you were to listen to that melody the moment you were born, on a unconscious level, but still. Would that melody help you find tranquility throughout your life, since the melody should always play within your head? Because if it has been played repeatedly for you it should be stuck in your head, never to leave you no matter what. A melody you could always bring out even in the most peril times.

I wish I had a melody, just a piece of melody, beautiful enough to make you happy, important enough to remember, hypnotizing enough to be mesmerized by, and powerful enough to give you all the confidence in the world. I believe that in my mind at that time I would be invincible. But to every Ying there is a Yang and without doubt the harsch and tough melody of the real world would wash out your private melody and send you into that dark piece of mind which slowly eats you up from the inside.

I will seek the good melody and when I eventually find it I will cherish it just for a moment and die with the knowledge that for a minute I was invincible.

Some of my skills.

2008-07-10T23:35:00.000+02:00

I would say I possess some skills. As a continuance to my first post I will explain my skills and some of the ways it affects me and my surroundings.

One thing I do know is i have this weird way of instantly picking up the signals people send me after I have given them a first impression. Their eyes scream the answers the mind doesn't want said person to know. Unfortunately for me one of my other skills is that I make a terrible first impression. It has haunted me for a long time. It makes me mad although I am so aware, because I can't really do anything about it, not at this moment anyway. The reason for that is simple, no other way feels natural than the current.

As I already said in the previous post I have a quite unique social ability, I succeed in many aspects of the social ways, but the most critical way still aludes me as i struggle to figure out why this is a fact. I seek to repair myself in hope of not, as you would say, "die alone" which seems to be the closest answer to my lifes destiny.

These things are very much connected, that is the first impression and social ability. They go hand in hand. And that is what bothers me alot. But then again, im not that good, I am aware of the problems but I cannot for my life solve them. A curse you might say, a most annoying curse...

An introduction.

2008-07-09T23:36:00.000+02:00

A confused man, troubled my most of my thoughts, even intrigued by some. Mostly my mind speaks in clear language. Mostly...
It has this thing, telling me the worst possible outcome at all times, and with an easy equation we have pessimism. This "good" quality will most certainly appear in many of my posts since my thoughts are guided by it at all times.
Other good things to know about me is my lack of social skill. In certain aspects that is, but still I lack social skills. Maybe the essential social skills.

What I am about to ventilate in upcoming posts will with great certainty upset and piss some people off. Mainly my way of thought and the final outcome of those thoughts, which people have tried to manage and control several times in several ways, but so far without success.

That will be all for now.. but rest assure.. the thoughts will be put into writing so that you who find it interesting enough can interpret and use in different ways I suppose