Time for a cleansing.

It would appear that I must cleanse alot of things close to me.
I would so like to point out exactly everything to all of you but I will choose not to.
Mostly because I wouldn't want to put people in the spotlight because of what they have done and most of them aren't even aware of their actions.
But people have made a choice towards me, and it's not a nice choice in anyway. But instead of confronting me asking me things and trying to figure out where I stand they do things their own way thus making my opinion unnecessary.
So I have recently seen tendencies from people strengthening my awareness of the situation, and in doing so making me more prone to starting the cleansing.

If people only had the guts to tell the truth more often. Which seems to be the main ingredience lacking from the majority of people I confront. Why the truth terrifies everyone is not a mystery but it is still a known fact that the truth is scary in general, because of what it can do to people.
If this means that these objects of my cleansing is afraid of me and what them telling the truth might make me do, they are wrong.
But I am ofted sorted into a specific category by people. This being largely my fault, but it still pisses me off that people can't see beyond what I once was and focusing on what I am now.
Then they might see that telling me the truth might stop me from having to cleanse anything at all. But the odds of people telling me the truth are quite cosmical at the moment.
The sad part is.. I am not surprised.

It takes but a second.

I haven't really researched about whether or not there is a term for a depression which occurs ever so seldom but when it occurs it takes but a second to crowd out your mind.
If there is a name for it however, then I got it.
It struck me ever so swiftly, ever so badly. My stomach curled up and everything I've worked to forget came back with a bang. So today I have faced a day where everything seems obsolete.
I don't want to think, I don't want to feel.
It's one of those days where existance in itself is undesirable from my part.
To untangle my stomach and be rid of the thing inside it for only a moment would be bliss, but it will remain tangled for a while longer.
If my depression would give me a headstart, a time buffer which I could use to make the necessary preparations, then it wouldn't be so bad. I guess that's the thing about depressions, they are always bad, but some surprise you more than others.

Tonight I fear I have to face all those things that depression brings once more. I know what happens when I lay down to relax, things get so much more tense. If only my tinitus would get louder, then it could help me ignore all those voices of mine. No im not paranoid or crazy or anything like that, but if you have had some sort of depression in your lifetime you know that the brain tells you things. It tells you what you don't want to hear, but at the same time it tells you what you have to hear solely based on the fact that you are depressed.
So hear I am, in the midst of sudden depression... and it's just as bad as last time...

Collisions & the absense of joy.

Well lets start out on a simple note, so many feelings and events has collided lately that it is almost annoying. But it shouldn't bother me since I am in almost no way directly connected to these events that still possessed the power to get on my nerves. And further more I have to come extremely close to these events within a near future which could render in some interesting evolving of the way I control my emotions. But we'll leave that subject for now...

The absense of joy is eomthing else entirely. I almost never feel joy. Why this is I do not know, but it seems that I have a hard time finding the joy of things that other people seems to have no problem enjoying. But what worries me is that this is another step towards becoming emotionally numb. That frightens me, I would have no real insight or information about myself if I should enter this numbening state. As much as my feelings and my mind are both a good and a bad thing I still feel it is a necessity to have them around.
Technically it would affect me like any other person, so that's nothing new. But it would be a brand new thing for me to become emotionally numb and I don't believe you'll ever come back from it. This stresses the issue that I have to find out more. But how do you find out new and important information from a thing that is successfully regressing every single day.
The faltering of my inner soul, or something poetic like that. That is what I must fight against.
That is my current fight... well the biggest fight of them all...

Someone is having a laugh.

Having a laugh on my expense that is. I've mentioned conspiracys before and i'll mention it again. It feels like one big conspiracy. One large crappy conspiracy designed only to make me miserable.
Someone should be accused of mentally murdering whatever sanity I have left.
Every little thing, seperately it would be no big deal, but all these little things put together sums up an ocean of mishaps and mistakes etc. etc.
There are several moments each day when my brain resorts to extremely dark thoughts regarding a quite large mass of different people.
Not that I can actually understand why my brain constantly chooses to torment a specific kind of people, that evidentally has done nothing wrong towards me, and by doing so rendering me totally confused and quite pissed off.

Small ignorant gestures, small acts that just strengthens my belief that all people have some degree of idiocy within themselves. What separates people from people is how much of that idiocy actually leaves the human body in form of a sentence or a glance or general behaviour.
Why people consistantly release there idiocy without even the slightest consideration is beyond me, but it is also so abundantly clear because of the many ways the human totally suck.

(BTW the rush of just blurting all your emotions out there again, it feels good. Frightenly good.)

I didn't say anything.

Or at least that is the assumption that obviously has been made.
Maybe people have been consciously ignoring what I have said due to the fact that I can be full of nonsense. "The boy who called wolf." comes to mind.
Why?
Because I often joke around and can be quite hard to take seriously so when I do actually become serious people ignore me. They choose not to hear me because they are so certain that I am still joking around. This is of course a thing that I can blame on myself to quite some extent, but I should tell you that I have become more serious than I used to be. Even if it is not that apparent to many of you.
So I do try, but being serious doesn't seem worth it when people won't hear what you are saying.
At the same time I am faced with a dilemma, if I point out that I feel ignored, those who start listening at that point probably just listens because tehy feel sorry for me. That leads to people listening to me because they HAVE to and not because they WANT to and how much of what I am saying will they remember if that is the case.

So I want to tell people I'm feeling ignored. I almost want to smush it in peoples faces so they don't treat me with that kind of disrespect. This also means that I have to work hard to be someone who listens to what other people have to say.
But when I get ignored over and over again from people I really listen to when they speak, it is like being spat in the face. Like my opinion is not important what so ever.
So I'm feeling ignored.. but then again if I am ignored I reckon no one would read this far in my post anyway. If you did.. thank you for showing an interest.

Life Spark.

By now you as readers are probably well aware of my mental status. I also bet you are aware about the fact that whatever crosses my mind doesn't surprise me. But now I will have to prove myself wrong as I found 2400 reasons today why, the statement that I won't get surprised by my thoughts, is wrong.

No matter what state I have been in I have always felt. I have always had emotions that can be linked to every situation. I have had dreams, visions, revelations, appifanys and all these have been with a certain emotion inside me. Different emotion for different situations of course but emotions none the less. Yesterday I believe I might have encountered a new low. Not a dramatic low, but a huge low. For approximately 2400 seconds, or 40 minutes if you will, I was emotionless. I didn't feel anything. Because of my non-emotional status I can only reflect on these minutes because of how I FELT before and after.
Before that moment I was lying and thinking as I do sometimes. Thinking about everything and nothing. At some point I must have thought about something my mind would classify as forbidden, thus shutting down my entire existance it would seem. I can't really explain it but 40 minutes of my life disappeared almost as quick as you snap your fingers. But I am so aware of the fact that I didn't feel anything.

After I "woke up" from this state I got really sad. Really, really sad. The mere fact of being awake and actually experiencing emotionlessness was horrifying once I understodd what had happened. I believe that for about 40 minutes, or 2400 seconds if you will, I lost my life spark.
Now it seems I feel more than ever because I don't want to go back to my non-emotional state again. Life spark remain with me.. please..

A sense of belonging.

I believe that every person has a particular place in the world where they belong or even better, where they FEEL they belong. Most people have found that place and can in many ways be considered lucky. After much thought, and a long episode of reminiscing my entire life, I came to the conclusion that I actually don't belong anywhere. At least not in a way that I feel like I belong.
Every subject which I have come into contact with in my life has rendered me friends (Yes that is a good thing) but I have never really belonged.
I remember so many people, some which I still keep in touch with but also all those who I have no idea where they are in life. I remember them but I do not feel like I belonged with any of them.
There is only one person in my life which I can truly say I belong with. That person has unfortunately disappeared and can as such give me little help in this matter.
This person is from way back, but it is still one of the most important persons I have ever met considering what this person did for me.

Other than that I can't say I've felt a real feeling of belonging. For those people which I hang out with today I beg of you to not get mad at me for saying this. These are feelings that has nothing to do with who you are as persons, because I am grateful for all your friendships. These feelings are just there anyway. I have felt them today, I felt them yesterday and the day before that. I can honestly say that I have felt this feeling for a very, very, very long time.
I want to focus on how to get the feeling out of my head. But it is easier said than done since I have to find that place of belonging. That particular place in which I know, with every fiber of my body, that "This is where I belong and there is no other place in the world where I can feel the same way".

But finding such a place would set other thoughts and feelings in motion. When you find your place of belonging, how could you possibly leave willingly when you know in your heart that this is your place. Could you even be bothered with existing in another place knowing full well where your special place is located?
I find this hard to believe, but the moment you know you've found your place of belonging, the moment you know you can't feel much better. Oh, how I long for such an emotion as it is a gift and an illusion at the same time.

The sudden wake-up call.

I haven't had a reason to post anything and for that I am quite glad. Not that I don't want to involve you as readers of what I feel. But my posts are of the negative nature thus making any absence on the blog a good thing.
I write this post today, the post that should have been written yesterday. Fortunately this is one of those times when I remember what I intended to write.
You could call it one of my best but worst wake-up calls of all time.

To connect it to past events is inevitable. Mainly because it has everything to do with certain events of the past. Events that I don't really want to remember. All I can say is that during a short period of time inside one of my dreams I had astounding clearity. There were no dreamy blurs, no interupting in any way. I saw a person which I hold dear, but a person that I have nothing to do with any more. But our paths will cross again.
This person came to me in my dream and said words I would have liked to hear some time ago. Even though it was just a dream the words spoken somehow granted me a temporary calm which I will try to hold on to for as long as I can.
This person just came to me and said: "I'm sorry"
I kindly replied "No" which of course seems oddly strange to tell someone who just apologized. But it was like my mind was aware of the events which envolved both me and her. Yes it was a girl.
Why I kissed the girl afterwards is also weird. But we kissed and I woke up. Both happy, annoyed and angry. Then it all settled down and I chose to view this intense part of my dream as a subliminal message that allowed me to lay to rest what had happened some time ago.

But a kiss in a dream from a person I care so much about is also hard to experience. So my mind was probably playing me some huge prank, but this time it is safe to say I have come out of this situation without a scratch. What I carry with me is the mere knowledge that I have actually moved on. At least for now...

Over before it started.

I have had about a million different choices for this blogposts title.
But the one I chose really says it all. It was over before it even started.
Although I am an agnostic there were certainly signs this evening that a greater force was really in motion desroying all my hopes.
A divine entity that was battering on my every emotion making sure that whatever I wanted was not for me to have. Seldom has the message been this clear, seldom have I been this far from even having a fair shot and seldom have I come to such a crystalizing truth about myself as I did tonight.

I have found three earlier posts that really define my recent experience:

1. "The Roy Syndrome"
All credit goes to Rostad the creator of "The Roy Syndrome" theory. He was right in every way. What chance does the good guy have? Tonight was one of thos nights that really strengthened my belief in "The Roy Syndrome" and everything it stands for. Deep inside of me I really wanted him to be wrong, but there was something about that text that was just shouting out the word "truth". The correctness of the text has also been proven to me on several occasions.

2. "The Nerd never gets the Girl"
Perhaps the most apparent one of these three points. That's just how it is. I am the nerd, if I would say otherwise I would lie. This sentence is also directly connected to "The Roy Syndrome" so they both make everything that more undisputable. People would of course try to find some loophole in this depressing sentence. But there is really no loophole, I find it is merely the truth manifested in a somewhat tragic sentence.
To break free from this sentence I would have to say you need a darn huge miracle. As an agnostic I would really like to avoid this sentence but you would need "An act from god". Yes I know an "act of god" would be a miracle I just wanted to make myself clear.

3. It's just one of those days.
I could refer to so many days that would fit in to this category. This has definetely been one of my main candidates for "Most sucky day of my life". With that I don't mean that everyone I met and everything I did was bad. But the good times was most certainly overshadowed by the bad in ways I didn't even thought were possible. I can't really see how anything good could come from a day like the one I just had. The day itself was a proof of my as it seems endless accounts of failure.
Perhaps my recent spell of good days in a row had to be balanced out. (I think there might be a huge theory on the balancing act which has a really cool name but I can't remember it)

So there you have it, three extremely good reasons that really sums it up in a fantastic way don't you think?
It was over before it started, I can't compare with other guys. I certainly don't have what so many people call "Game". That part has eluded me thus creating somewhat of a huge problem.
A problem so severe that the sentence "It was over before it even started" is possible.
Maybe I was foolish to even try, because I just have to look at my own history to find numerous of bad-timed ill chosen moments to try.
I'm so upset of my failure that this post has taken me close to 40 minutes to write as I drift of to analyze what I did wrong. The ecuation is quite simple. I did everything wrong as always.

It was over long before it even started... in what world could I possibly beat anybody...

A pattern of certain days.

You could say I'm only half-way through this day but already the pattern is clear.
The pattern repeats itself as so many times before. I can't really control that negative side of me right now, it screams out with such ferocity that I just might go crazy.
I want to ignore I really do, but it penetrates every soundwave anything in this world could conjure at this point.
A part of me actually wants to hurt somebody, but I can't control the aim so I believe that I will be the one getting hurt.
My paranoia grows and the intensity and occurence of dark thoughts increase by the minute.
This is why I am a coward, this is why I somehow always make the wrong decision. Feelings like the ones I'm having at the moment are the exact feelings I have tried to ignore for many years now.
My paranoia grows as every movement, every word spoken, every action and every intention one could encounter trigger the lying parts of my perception.
I'm blinded by the strength of my paranoia as all sorts of emotions try to invade my mind only to push me into a weaker state of mind.
The paradox of everything I'm writing is also the cause of this last minute paranoia.
My body is preparing for the worst and the world seems to conspire against me only to make sure that my failure is complete.
Every good spell must come to an end and this day certainly has all the signs of "One of those days" .
My paranoia is even starting to push those buttons which shouldn't really exist in the first place.
A sense of hatred and anger circles my veins just waiting to burst, knowing full well that it would definetely destroy me, inside and out.
The pattern is clear...
By this time tomorrow I will have my verdict and I can assure you it's bound to be just as bad as I see it know. Anything else would be nothing short of a miracle.