Time for a cleansing.

It would appear that I must cleanse alot of things close to me.
I would so like to point out exactly everything to all of you but I will choose not to.
Mostly because I wouldn't want to put people in the spotlight because of what they have done and most of them aren't even aware of their actions.
But people have made a choice towards me, and it's not a nice choice in anyway. But instead of confronting me asking me things and trying to figure out where I stand they do things their own way thus making my opinion unnecessary.
So I have recently seen tendencies from people strengthening my awareness of the situation, and in doing so making me more prone to starting the cleansing.

If people only had the guts to tell the truth more often. Which seems to be the main ingredience lacking from the majority of people I confront. Why the truth terrifies everyone is not a mystery but it is still a known fact that the truth is scary in general, because of what it can do to people.
If this means that these objects of my cleansing is afraid of me and what them telling the truth might make me do, they are wrong.
But I am ofted sorted into a specific category by people. This being largely my fault, but it still pisses me off that people can't see beyond what I once was and focusing on what I am now.
Then they might see that telling me the truth might stop me from having to cleanse anything at all. But the odds of people telling me the truth are quite cosmical at the moment.
The sad part is.. I am not surprised.

It takes but a second.

I haven't really researched about whether or not there is a term for a depression which occurs ever so seldom but when it occurs it takes but a second to crowd out your mind.
If there is a name for it however, then I got it.
It struck me ever so swiftly, ever so badly. My stomach curled up and everything I've worked to forget came back with a bang. So today I have faced a day where everything seems obsolete.
I don't want to think, I don't want to feel.
It's one of those days where existance in itself is undesirable from my part.
To untangle my stomach and be rid of the thing inside it for only a moment would be bliss, but it will remain tangled for a while longer.
If my depression would give me a headstart, a time buffer which I could use to make the necessary preparations, then it wouldn't be so bad. I guess that's the thing about depressions, they are always bad, but some surprise you more than others.

Tonight I fear I have to face all those things that depression brings once more. I know what happens when I lay down to relax, things get so much more tense. If only my tinitus would get louder, then it could help me ignore all those voices of mine. No im not paranoid or crazy or anything like that, but if you have had some sort of depression in your lifetime you know that the brain tells you things. It tells you what you don't want to hear, but at the same time it tells you what you have to hear solely based on the fact that you are depressed.
So hear I am, in the midst of sudden depression... and it's just as bad as last time...

Collisions & the absense of joy.

Well lets start out on a simple note, so many feelings and events has collided lately that it is almost annoying. But it shouldn't bother me since I am in almost no way directly connected to these events that still possessed the power to get on my nerves. And further more I have to come extremely close to these events within a near future which could render in some interesting evolving of the way I control my emotions. But we'll leave that subject for now...

The absense of joy is eomthing else entirely. I almost never feel joy. Why this is I do not know, but it seems that I have a hard time finding the joy of things that other people seems to have no problem enjoying. But what worries me is that this is another step towards becoming emotionally numb. That frightens me, I would have no real insight or information about myself if I should enter this numbening state. As much as my feelings and my mind are both a good and a bad thing I still feel it is a necessity to have them around.
Technically it would affect me like any other person, so that's nothing new. But it would be a brand new thing for me to become emotionally numb and I don't believe you'll ever come back from it. This stresses the issue that I have to find out more. But how do you find out new and important information from a thing that is successfully regressing every single day.
The faltering of my inner soul, or something poetic like that. That is what I must fight against.
That is my current fight... well the biggest fight of them all...

Someone is having a laugh.

Having a laugh on my expense that is. I've mentioned conspiracys before and i'll mention it again. It feels like one big conspiracy. One large crappy conspiracy designed only to make me miserable.
Someone should be accused of mentally murdering whatever sanity I have left.
Every little thing, seperately it would be no big deal, but all these little things put together sums up an ocean of mishaps and mistakes etc. etc.
There are several moments each day when my brain resorts to extremely dark thoughts regarding a quite large mass of different people.
Not that I can actually understand why my brain constantly chooses to torment a specific kind of people, that evidentally has done nothing wrong towards me, and by doing so rendering me totally confused and quite pissed off.

Small ignorant gestures, small acts that just strengthens my belief that all people have some degree of idiocy within themselves. What separates people from people is how much of that idiocy actually leaves the human body in form of a sentence or a glance or general behaviour.
Why people consistantly release there idiocy without even the slightest consideration is beyond me, but it is also so abundantly clear because of the many ways the human totally suck.

(BTW the rush of just blurting all your emotions out there again, it feels good. Frightenly good.)