Empty mind.

Ok, once again regular patterns are shown by new people. Not that i'm surprised it's just that annoys me just as much as it did before even though i'm prepared for it. You even look into some peoples eyes and you can already see things that you wouldn't expect to be there so soon. Emotions such as disgust, confusion and boredom. I still try to change but it's just not that easy.
These eyes, eyes of new people, people I don't know at all basically, they can already make assumptions about me, assumptions that are correct. Am I that easy to read am I that easy to brake down into small fragments.

The only good thing about this is the mere fact that I actually have time to change how they see me. Maybe I even have the opportunity to change two eyes in particular. I wish they would look back a different way. But hey we've been down this path before so we know how it ends. I guess i'll just try to change the larger masses and work my way from there. Yet doing so is way to hard as the large mass consists of so few.

I do know I have to make an effort because I don't really feel like being looked upon this way anymore. Sadly enough my mind isn't sad at the moment, it's empty, it's blank. Im getting freaked out by this occurance. Am I so used to being sad and depressed that, in moments where sadness should present itself, I now feel nothing?

All and all, people affect me here. They affect me more than they know. I have to change that but feel temporarily incapacitated to do so. My mind is torn confused and empty and I don't like it one bit.

20 days of absence with no result.

You would think that after my non-blogging I would have achieved something good in my life or had some sort of emotional revelation to guide my way towards a better life in general. I hate to disappoint you but that hasn't happened. Instead I have embarked on much more distressing things that have in many ways shattered my mind on numerous occations.

A fond return to school has sent my thoughts wandering deep and dark paths that I am all to familiar with. An ever fonder return is that off faked emotions and social disrespect which have both been spat straight into my face. All new things must be analyzed properly so this would not be my final evaluation of these emotions, however I'm starting to se a quite disturbing pattern and if it unfolds the way I have forseen I might be up for one of the toughest mental challenges I've had in a long time.

Yes it is dark, utterly dark, but still small shimmering lights are there to be found who still gives me that small extra push to convince my mind whenever it differs from its original thoughts that there might be hope for me yet and that my existence isn't in vain. It's good to be back.....

Fastidious.

Yes that's what I am in many aspects of my life. Food being the major one, however it's in the ladies department where it does the most damage. For example, if I meet someone it would be a good thing if she at least shares one of my major interests, otherwise it's bound not to work.
Many might say this is a major bump in the road for any girl who would find the least bit of interest in me. That's just how I think, like football, a major part of my life and in which it's something my girlfriend should understand. Because I am that fanatic about football to consider it a subject that a girl must share with me.

All my interests are scattered among several different areas making it really hard to find someone who would share all of them with me, that is however something I do not expect from a girl. Should there be a case please show me this woman so that I can be forever happy. But no, a woman who shares all of my interests probably doesn't exist. I think all my different interests do come with a negative side, because they are scattered and I switch frequently between them it would seem others might find this strange and maybe immature. It could even scare people away because they don't have the ability to really relate to what goes on in my mind.

Third and last; Appearance. This is also something affected by my fastidious nature. I don't need a perfect girl, but I believe she has to be beautiful in my eyes. This is a theory of mine that outer appearance does matter, because I can't really picture a relationship were outer appearance doesn't matter. It's certainly important to be attracted by both the interior end the exterior of your counterpart in a relationship. This theory speaks in my disadvantage of course, but that's just one more shitty thing I'll have to live with.

Fastidious me = DOOMED!

Ignoring is bliss.

Well the fact remains, many people want nothing to do with me except when they need something from me etc.
Yes, I have also done that to people, but i've regreted it and promised never to do so again.
You try to make plans to meet people and hang out, but they keep coming up with lame excuses for not hanging out with me. Very evil indeed, and some of the reasons given to me are so transparent it's embarrasing.
Ok, i'm not saying all reasons are bogus, but a majority of them are. I also know that some people are so caught up with their respective ones that they can't see beyond that person rendering them oblivious to all other persons in their vicinity. This I cannot understand though I have witnessed this example on numerous occasions.
But seeing the human mind becoming so weak over one person frightens me and pisses me off, to observe the human mind be twisted to make people like me disappear into thin air basically.

So I am ignored, in many reasons, by many people, with different intentions. So when I am left alone, my mind does as it has just done, conspiring against those who stand me close. But then again, keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
I just wish that everyone would leave me alone, then I could truly be at peace and die without hesitation.