It keeps getting larger and larger. I remember looking at that number when it was down to 8000. But that was a long time ago. I even think I glansed on that number when it was down to 7000. Time flies when you're not having fun. Yes I should forget about the number and just leave it be, however the number means both good things and bad. We all have a number, mine however is quite large in comparison to my age. Most people don't even have a number, but I do.
The number truly represents my failure and yet it represents so much more. How I managed to hold on and how I managed to stay alive. One thing is for sure, the number will not be the turning point as it increases to one more, the number won't help me get what I need. The number is a reminder, no more, no less. Perhaps one day I can stop counting and not just one thing, two things simultaneously ticking and increasing at the exact same rate, maybe I could stop counting on behalf of both things. If both things stopped ticking I could at least say that I'd accomplished some good. No, I don't mean good as in "good for everyone else", I mean good as in "Good for me personaly".
I enter a new stage which I couldn't have dreamed of 10 years ago. It is actually about 10 years ago now, not the original number but another number. Has it really been that long? What happened?
I just came to a revelation both saddening and disturbing. It's been going on for 10 years, do I need to listen for 10 more years.
As one number stops so must the others (eventually). The original number, the one who started it all, the dreaded reminder which I can not remove, the dreaded reminder which I can't really be without. For that number represents me and the number is about to become 8766. So I might still be here for the 17532. Although I hope not, because it is an eternity and beyond, it is torture on a mental level. It is a must, but it doesn't have to be the only way out.
Numbers, numbers, numbers... i'm still counting... are you?
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