A slap in my face?

I should get a slap in my face. My brain doesn't work this way, and what has happened can't be more than a lie. Yes, you heard me brain, listen to me my brain, it doesn't work this way!
Anywho, it is quite interesting and quite disturbing at the same time. It is also totally contradictory to what I normally do. I should really get a fat slap in the face. Not one but two there is, and that should've never happened. I'm not going to make a choice because i'm not that kind of person, I wouldn't hurt anyone that way, or would I? SILENCE MY BRAIN! BAD BRAIN BAD BRAIN!
Just go with the flow they say, but that's not really an option. I also hate when things are actually out of my control. One thing my brain does think is correct, "You know you're gonna f*ck it up, or it just f*cks itself up, the situation that is"

I ask myself over and over "What the hell are you doing?" which is a just question in times like these, where it apparently looks like i'm out to really destroy myself this time. Depression and anxiety is just around the corner, waiting to slap me in the face. I'd rather someone else slapped me in the face. I can't stop thinking about this situation I have put myself in, i'm not sure how to get out of it either. I must act smoothly (Yeah right) . I will fail.
I also feel this whole thing is gonna leave me totally embarrased, and ashamed. Mainly because I fail so often with things.

I can guarantee you that several men in this world would dream of my situation, but as you might have understood i'm not one of those men. This isn't how I operate and I swear if I hurt anyone i'm gonna damage myself so badly. I just need to figure it out but this is far from anything i've ever experienced. This is so not me. Until next time.. SLAP ME IN THE FACE!