Deadlock.

Everything has come to a deadlock, which only increases the amount of failure in my life.
I cannot afford a deadlock, not now, not ever. It seems as though I am blocking myself from crucial information which is required to break said deadlock.
Yes life goes on and so does time, but the deadlock has a much deeper importance than just being a deadlock.
It represents so much that has been going on and it is preventing several good things from happening. I try to go forward, I try to solve it all, but nothing seems to work. Have I lost my touch to read myself and see what is troubling me?
I can't answer that question because it's all in a deadlock, hence I can ask the questions but the solutions are not available to me at this point.
As several happenings has changed my priorities in the past days I have also been able to spot what's up ahead and even though it is clear what is coming the deadlock prevents me from facing these events.
This will render in most unpleasant consequences that will really change the frest of my life.
So I ask myself, is it really a coincidence that the deadlock occurs at such crucial times as it is?
Probably not, but now I must work around my deadlock in order to figure out it's purpose so I can solve it and be rid of it. Only then can I once again challenge myself on a mental level.
Only then can I be 100% sure what is to come.
Deadlock + Future = FAILURE!

Coincidence?

It couldn't all be a big coincidence. That's just not a possibility.
I see things, take them in, process and finally I conclude.
Now that i'm done concluding it's like a big plot that has been put right before me.
The plot itself shouldn't be described in any particular way, it's just a plot.
The way the plot got in front of me, that's the interesting part.
I feel like everything is speaking to me, everything is telling me everything.
No matter what do I do or which direction I look there is something there to remind me of either what is going on with me or what has already happened.
The things I see never determine the future, it only give me quick glances at what I have to expect in a somewhat near future.
The fact remains however that random things in our world seem to speak to me. What this makes me I don't know, but I do know I feel quite strange and weiry.
We doubt everything that everything says and at the same time I deny it.

"Everytime you look into the future it changes, because you looked at it and that changes everything" . All of a sudden that particular sentence makes all the sense in the world. Should I live by it or should I only accept its existance? Should I acknowledge its obvious truth or should I despise it for the many lies it might be telling me?
That sentence might be the answer to all my current paranoia which seems to just flow from me like a silent force waiting to strike me down. It waits for the right moment though it probably senses that my time is not now.
Every voice, every truth, every conclusion. They assemble in a whirlpool of lost thoughts waiting to find its context in my life, waiting to be released into its true form.

Transformation is only a paranoia away...

Trifles.

Why is it that people cant always contain themselves emotionally when it comes to trifles?
I've seen many people in my days burst by the simplest trifles you could possibly imagine.
What is that thing that blossoms within a persons mind and suddenly explodes into a million emotions set out to destroy whoever gets in its way?
This could be tied back to a previous post of mine called "People need insight".
Because let's face facts, people without insight probably doesn't notice when they snap for the smallest things.
The withholding of feelings, that's what it is. We walk around and things happen to us, so we ventilate our feelings to near friends or psychologists or whom ever. Thus we relieve our body from whatever anxiety or disturbance it may have.
Some people choose to harvest their feelings, this will result in the emotional explosion that often occurs over a trifle.
We just let all feelings bottle up inside of us and eventually we burst, the sad part is that harvesting feelings also makes us blind. We loose sight of how we really feel, and then BANG!
One insignificant event leads to the breaking of friendships, the breaking of a relationship, the breaking of ones spirit.
Someone always get hurt. It is almost an inevitable fact that has to be considered carefully.
It is a daily thing, most of us experience it several times a week, and when that happens you could ask yourself this.
Am I in the same situation? If you are be cautious of your actions and make every attempt to relieve your body of those harvested feelings so that you avoid hurting someone close to you.
For those who aren't in that situation I say beware, events like that may be closer than you know.

So trifles, accept them, solve them in a mature way and you might just get some people to open up and share their feelings instead of snapping at you.
Or you just have bad luck like me and it all goes to hell...

Equally complicated?

Could it be that women and men are equally complicated?
Or is it just a myth impossible to verify since we all have our different angles of approach?
I have made huge considerations regarding this subject in the past, but as always there are triggers to rekindle that long-lost thought lingering way back in your head.
So are we equally complicated? Because as far as I know that doesn't really make sense. Men are far closer to the primal ways in most of the things they do, women are more sofisticated.
The needs, beliefs, inspirational sources, way of thinking, decision making etc. are all impossible to compare between the two genders.
Yet we insist that one is more complicated than the other. That seems kind of unfare, because you can't really compare if you only have your own personal experiences to go by, they tell not the truth nor do they lie, they are exactly what you have told yourself they are.
Interpretation is the key here, should we speak to an über-psychologist we mind find some truth in who is the more complicated one.
I have however decided to give you my version of this unending (?) dilemma.

Women are the more complicated ones for several reasons.
They choose to be complicated in the way that they say one thing when they mean another and always rely on men to figure out what they actually mean. It doesn't apply to all women of course, but a vast majority of it. Men however often say what they mean, though it is strongly controlled depending on the subject.
Women tend to hold back on more things but they show emotion, men blurt out most things but tend to leave it all quite emotionless.
I can't think of another major factor right now, however there are more things to the puzzle, but that would mean I have to get personal and that's just not going to happen.

I stand by my thoughts as I refuse to interpret what women actually mean when they say something. Although it could be alot of fun. I have chosen to interpret why they choose to speak in codes and such.. and I have yet to figure out and answer.
There is one question I have to ask myself though, why do people go through so much shit (to go straight to the point) ?
Yes I know my posts also contain alot of crap I guess. That is because this is readable by everyone who finds the page, thus rendering a withdrawal of the thoughts and information I possess.
But in real life and in a real discussion.. why go through the trouble?

External sources 2.

I thought of something else regarding this subject. It's called fear.
Because I can relate to other sources I tend to see what happens to them. The outcome of situations in their "life" are often options which my mind would never consider. I can as such add a possible outcome if the same situation happens to me. This renders fear... unfortunately.
Because they often face situations I haven't had a chance to experience yet, this means I feel fear depending on the outcome of their situation. Should go things go bad for them, then I automatically assume I would do much worse in the same situation.
So I watch and I hope they solve whatever they face in the most succesful way, and at the same time I look at the probability that I should be able to solve it the same way.
I hope, and at the same time I am afraid because there is always several bad options to be considered, and nothing considers bad options like my brain. Not according to me anyway.

The time has almost come when I will be faced with new events thanks to the external sources.
I can already say there will be at least two events this week which can greatly affect me. This number however will also increase to a certain three events a week not far from now.
This makes me wonder, will that increase my hopes and my fears, or maybe if one external source comes to a sort of standoff, then I only have to worry about two sources.
People might say I should consider leaving the external sources alone so that my mind can be a little more at peace with its surroundings. That is however not an option I'm willing to accept at this point.
I feel that whatever happens to my external sources it might come to great use in my own life, and it might happen quite soon.
One things for sure, the upcoming events will trigger more thoughts.. but will they trigger good or bad thoughts?

External sources.

Let's begin with a simple explanation. I have let external sources guide me through life, and many sources at that.
Now the important part.
How has this happened?
To a large extent all the external sources, which I have let influence my life, are quite similar and can as such be explained in a fairly easy way.
The sources are mostly TV based, and to be really honest it is mostly fragments from each individual source which interest me.
I see myself in those sources and I can relate to most things they do, but I'll never be like them and I will probably never achieve the same success as them. It's amazing how fake people can actually have such great impact on one man, but they do, and that frightens me in so many ways.
I look at them and see myself. Sometimes I see good and other times I see bad, not a surprising verdict but that's the way it is.
The sources (fake as they are) share my inside, and they definitely don't share my outside.
So take the outside part away and there you have me. I see myself in them, thought wise!
Things they say and events that happen are often direct copies of things that has happened to me over the years. What separates us is the fact that they find solutions to their problems, something I have yet to accomplish.
What goes through my mind the very moment they solve a problem I am familiar with my mind goes blank, I see rage and I see anger, frustration and desperation towards the fact that I won't solve my problem any time soon.
Despite all this I still look at them the next day, and I ask myself, why can't I be like them.
Deep inside me I already hear the quite apparent reason, it's too late, it really is too late.
But for all I care, I would not sit hear without the external sources, they are a drug and a curse, and I love them for it.

As time goes by.

Since my last post i've experienced a funeral, a christmas and new year. Oddly enough these experiences doesn't seem to stick. So many other things push them away, so many things that desperately needs solving. I'm not even in an emotional low and yet so many thoughts haunt my mind. My constant despise towards people and my ever existing self-pity.
Several times during the past days different things have come up. The weird thing was that my mind did not use the standard way of thinking, it used weird paths that I have seldom seen. Whats even weirder is the fact that the way of thinking was applied to all my thoughts. For once my mind did not make an ounce of sense, I should maybe replace it, or my mind is just overworked with all the crap I choose to deal with.
This might be one of the reasons that my blogging has been oblivious of late.

There was one thing however. The feeling of chaotic lonelyness, it crept up on me then devoured me in an instant. I can't say exactly when it happened, but I was shocked at the time. I know something bad is about to happen, because everytime lonelyness becomes this apparent things have always turned for the worse. As much as i'd like to have female options to consult with, it sseemingly pointless to even consider such a thing right now, because the failure of my closest aquaintances have been many during the last two-three weeks.
One thing I have noticed is the apparent complication that people get when they promise things. It's not that I am surprised of the fact because it's not the first time and it sure ain't the last.
What worries me is yet again peoples inability to examine themselves in order to make right what they seem to do wrong all the time.

A little side quote to all this: I see in peoples eyes long forgotten looks that remind me of a time when I did not appreciate life at all. The bad part is you can never tell the looks to disappear, for they are bound to the connection between me and those who carry the look. It's a large chain of effects that does not break easily. Even if I have no intention of breaking it just yet, I must always wait until the most oppurtune moment..

Self-discipline.

The title might exaggerate what has actually happened. I've had many seperate thoughts lately and although they would be somewhat interesting I didn't feel they were large or important enough to get it's own blog entry. Then all of a sudden I get this twitch right before I go to sleep. I'm referring to last night, when really dark thoughts hit my mind. I got cold inside, thoughts long forgotten re-surfaced in an instant. Could it be that many of my dark thoughts and memories are not stored inside my head, but stored in a specific location.
It all felt like som sort of deja vu, me lying in bed not really having any cares at all, and then BANG. Is it healthy having a brain that functions like this?

The thoughts themselves are not something I'm going to post here because it's something that I'v e written about before. Let's just say that they were the kind of thoughts that seemed so real you actually thought they were happening. I still believe they are going to happen right now. Selfish and unselfish thoughts at the same time, pathetic and true, serene and chaotic. Thoughts that are everything and nothing. Normally my own disturbed mind would ignore the thoughts quite quickly, but then again there are moments in life which seem so absurd that you can't even call it a coincidence.

I saw a movie today, a movie that just might reflect what type of person I will become some day in the future. I did not like what I saw. Then again it's not completely false, because I have been known to hate large crowds, and I have been known to have days where I just recent people. This movie sort of validated many of my dark thoughts I had yesterday. I would go into detail but that would disturb the sleep I am about to have. So I'll leave you with two little questions. Does our life predict our future for us sometimes? Do we really have any power at all?

Where is the girl from the dream with the hug... she might be the one to save me...

Diversions.

You could call me lucky, having so many diversions in my life that I forget how I normally feel.
Unlucky that no matter how many diversions there are I will always go back. The same state of mind as always and the same ways of thinking. Now and then I wonder if I might be to comfortable with how my mind works. Maybe I should be more conserned about how I actually feel. Then again doing anything about it seems kind of oblivious at this point.
Maybe I should aquire additional diversions, making me unaware of everything that goes on in my head.
All I can say is that once i'm totally lost there is no going back. That means I have chosen my path and that is not something you have the ability to change.

Diversions has helped me quite recently, diversions helped me overcome my latest double setback. Not that i'm surprised about the setback, it was a low odds situation. At least I didn't get as sad as I would normally have been. I think I tackled it quite well and because of that I feel some sort of pride towards myself. I made a choice as well, a choice I wouldn't normally do. I would tag along and accept the fate of the moment, but now I took charge of the situation and was able to rule out different options to my benefit.

This all sounds very promising and positive, but it's really just one of those times where I have to start all over again, from scratch. I am so accustomed to the situation that I almost can't bother. We are back to zero, we are back at nothing to once again start chasing the impossible. I could do with some more diversions in the near future, no doubt. Because apparently I haven't seen or heard the last of myself... not yet anyways.

People need insight.

You heard it! People need insight really bad. Of course it's not a bad thing in every aspect. People who are already doing good could do even better with insight. So it's basically a win / win situation for everybody. Insight people, INSIGHT, you don't even have to pay for it.
I have some form of insight, and of course it can be improved, but i'm still content that I have as much insight as I do. Alot of people however have the possibility of true insight, but they often choose to ignore it to make the choices that most would consider "Sinful".
A gift as good as insight and yet our fragile minds insist of not using it, unless we really think about things and turn to reason a.k.a "a form of insight".
As much as I would like to see insight in certain people at this moment, I also like to see some form of decent humanity.
Lies, deceit, jealousy, whispering (In the shape of trashtalk whispering) and backstabbing. Simplistic forms of sins indeed, but we use them to often. I have learned to avoid the jealousy, deceit, whispering and backstabbing. Yes I lie, but who doesn't these days. I on the other hand insist on using only white lies.

Why am I bothered of all these subjects, well it's not hard to guess really, it's right there within reach. Some sins could be forgivable in certain situations, and I don't condemn anyone who uses one sin at one time. When it becomes a bad habit, then I start to recent and despise those persons. Should they later be rid of those habits and do serious attempts to re-establish themselves as good people, then I would most certainly give them another chance. The prospect of most persons, to whom I am refering, to actually do these good deeds seems so distant.
The situation in itself is so sadening. To see all these people throw away so many good things and for what?

I need respect, insight and some god damn human decency. They are not available on the market, you can't buy or create it. You have to lure it out from it's hiding place within our personalitys which are areas so hard to penetrate that most give up before even trying to find it. That is when we have to seek for it however, because some people have the great understanding of allowing insight to do their bidding throughout life. Creating a better place for all of us. Unfortunately it doesn't really have the ability to compare with the darkness that infects many people.

Give everyone insight and we might be saved...