Self-discipline.

The title might exaggerate what has actually happened. I've had many seperate thoughts lately and although they would be somewhat interesting I didn't feel they were large or important enough to get it's own blog entry. Then all of a sudden I get this twitch right before I go to sleep. I'm referring to last night, when really dark thoughts hit my mind. I got cold inside, thoughts long forgotten re-surfaced in an instant. Could it be that many of my dark thoughts and memories are not stored inside my head, but stored in a specific location.
It all felt like som sort of deja vu, me lying in bed not really having any cares at all, and then BANG. Is it healthy having a brain that functions like this?

The thoughts themselves are not something I'm going to post here because it's something that I'v e written about before. Let's just say that they were the kind of thoughts that seemed so real you actually thought they were happening. I still believe they are going to happen right now. Selfish and unselfish thoughts at the same time, pathetic and true, serene and chaotic. Thoughts that are everything and nothing. Normally my own disturbed mind would ignore the thoughts quite quickly, but then again there are moments in life which seem so absurd that you can't even call it a coincidence.

I saw a movie today, a movie that just might reflect what type of person I will become some day in the future. I did not like what I saw. Then again it's not completely false, because I have been known to hate large crowds, and I have been known to have days where I just recent people. This movie sort of validated many of my dark thoughts I had yesterday. I would go into detail but that would disturb the sleep I am about to have. So I'll leave you with two little questions. Does our life predict our future for us sometimes? Do we really have any power at all?

Where is the girl from the dream with the hug... she might be the one to save me...

Diversions.

You could call me lucky, having so many diversions in my life that I forget how I normally feel.
Unlucky that no matter how many diversions there are I will always go back. The same state of mind as always and the same ways of thinking. Now and then I wonder if I might be to comfortable with how my mind works. Maybe I should be more conserned about how I actually feel. Then again doing anything about it seems kind of oblivious at this point.
Maybe I should aquire additional diversions, making me unaware of everything that goes on in my head.
All I can say is that once i'm totally lost there is no going back. That means I have chosen my path and that is not something you have the ability to change.

Diversions has helped me quite recently, diversions helped me overcome my latest double setback. Not that i'm surprised about the setback, it was a low odds situation. At least I didn't get as sad as I would normally have been. I think I tackled it quite well and because of that I feel some sort of pride towards myself. I made a choice as well, a choice I wouldn't normally do. I would tag along and accept the fate of the moment, but now I took charge of the situation and was able to rule out different options to my benefit.

This all sounds very promising and positive, but it's really just one of those times where I have to start all over again, from scratch. I am so accustomed to the situation that I almost can't bother. We are back to zero, we are back at nothing to once again start chasing the impossible. I could do with some more diversions in the near future, no doubt. Because apparently I haven't seen or heard the last of myself... not yet anyways.

People need insight.

You heard it! People need insight really bad. Of course it's not a bad thing in every aspect. People who are already doing good could do even better with insight. So it's basically a win / win situation for everybody. Insight people, INSIGHT, you don't even have to pay for it.
I have some form of insight, and of course it can be improved, but i'm still content that I have as much insight as I do. Alot of people however have the possibility of true insight, but they often choose to ignore it to make the choices that most would consider "Sinful".
A gift as good as insight and yet our fragile minds insist of not using it, unless we really think about things and turn to reason a.k.a "a form of insight".
As much as I would like to see insight in certain people at this moment, I also like to see some form of decent humanity.
Lies, deceit, jealousy, whispering (In the shape of trashtalk whispering) and backstabbing. Simplistic forms of sins indeed, but we use them to often. I have learned to avoid the jealousy, deceit, whispering and backstabbing. Yes I lie, but who doesn't these days. I on the other hand insist on using only white lies.

Why am I bothered of all these subjects, well it's not hard to guess really, it's right there within reach. Some sins could be forgivable in certain situations, and I don't condemn anyone who uses one sin at one time. When it becomes a bad habit, then I start to recent and despise those persons. Should they later be rid of those habits and do serious attempts to re-establish themselves as good people, then I would most certainly give them another chance. The prospect of most persons, to whom I am refering, to actually do these good deeds seems so distant.
The situation in itself is so sadening. To see all these people throw away so many good things and for what?

I need respect, insight and some god damn human decency. They are not available on the market, you can't buy or create it. You have to lure it out from it's hiding place within our personalitys which are areas so hard to penetrate that most give up before even trying to find it. That is when we have to seek for it however, because some people have the great understanding of allowing insight to do their bidding throughout life. Creating a better place for all of us. Unfortunately it doesn't really have the ability to compare with the darkness that infects many people.

Give everyone insight and we might be saved...

Hug from a hero.

Considering my large productivity of thoughts and blogposts last month, eventually I would hit a dry spot. So for almost 20 days (Second time i've had a break about that time) I have actually have no depressing encounters or events that would give my self-esteem a new blow.
So then you might wonder why I felt I had to write a new post at this moment.
Two things has made this entry a possibility, a dream and a song.
When I say dream I don't mean "I have a dream that one day I will be the best of the best", I mean a dream that you have during the night of course.

The dream itself really isn't interesting so I thought I'd specify the dream and focus on a specific moment within that dream. I can't really give a 100% detailed description of what she looked like, but I know she was probably the most beautiful person I've ever seen. She was just a bit shorter than me, long darkbrown hair which was held up by a headband. She had brown eyes and one of the loveliest smiles you could imagine. That's all I remember though, I can't really see her face clear any more. In the dream I was sad for some reason, inconsolably sad, then she came and just gave me a hug. For no apparent reason at all. With all due respect to people I know in real life, the hug I got in that dream was the best hug I've ever received. The hug lasted quite some time and there was such truth in it that I was left in chock when I woke up. As you could have predicted I was sad that I had to wake up, I could have stayed within that dream with that hug forever. I wonder who she was, I guess I'll never find out...

Then there is the song, so simple, yet so mighty. I can listen to it over and over, like with most songs I really like. This song however is quite different. It brings some sort of calm to me, a tranquility which only I can be apart of. The song could easily have been the background music to the hug. The question I ask myself is why I like it so much, is it the melody which has me captivated? It is good however, it brings alot of emotions and chains of thought, but all and all it is a good song.

So I leave you with this song, I hope it can give you just as much as it has given me.
Kleerup - Hero
Simplicity and beauty at it's best.
So this blog entry goes out to the mystery woman in my dream. Who ever you are, take this melody with you.

The number increases.

It keeps getting larger and larger. I remember looking at that number when it was down to 8000. But that was a long time ago. I even think I glansed on that number when it was down to 7000. Time flies when you're not having fun. Yes I should forget about the number and just leave it be, however the number means both good things and bad. We all have a number, mine however is quite large in comparison to my age. Most people don't even have a number, but I do.
The number truly represents my failure and yet it represents so much more. How I managed to hold on and how I managed to stay alive. One thing is for sure, the number will not be the turning point as it increases to one more, the number won't help me get what I need. The number is a reminder, no more, no less. Perhaps one day I can stop counting and not just one thing, two things simultaneously ticking and increasing at the exact same rate, maybe I could stop counting on behalf of both things. If both things stopped ticking I could at least say that I'd accomplished some good. No, I don't mean good as in "good for everyone else", I mean good as in "Good for me personaly".

I enter a new stage which I couldn't have dreamed of 10 years ago. It is actually about 10 years ago now, not the original number but another number. Has it really been that long? What happened?
I just came to a revelation both saddening and disturbing. It's been going on for 10 years, do I need to listen for 10 more years.
As one number stops so must the others (eventually). The original number, the one who started it all, the dreaded reminder which I can not remove, the dreaded reminder which I can't really be without. For that number represents me and the number is about to become 8766. So I might still be here for the 17532. Although I hope not, because it is an eternity and beyond, it is torture on a mental level. It is a must, but it doesn't have to be the only way out.

Numbers, numbers, numbers... i'm still counting... are you?

A lack of interest.

At the moment I have a huge lack of interest. Nothing seems interesting somehow and I can't figure out what has triggered this emotions or lack there of. This has also resulted in the non-blogging the recent days. Several times I sat down and started writing when suddenly everything came to a halt. I had to stop several times and at the end I felt I just had to give up my blogging attempts. At the current moment I feel determined to at least finish this blog entry.

So I have been pissed off from time to time, mainly because the football results in the world have spoken against me, but I have also been pissed off by the fact that I have failed quite alot the past months. Just the other day one of my previous comments about people (From another blog entry that is) came true in so many ways I actually got scared. Alot of people are real idiots!
I'm not gonna give away names or anything and those who has treated me with disrespect doesn't follow this blog anyway as far as I know. Being this pissed off just renders other thoughts to pass by in a flash, thus making it impossible to even remember anything other than the anger and rage which twirls in my head.

Don't worry i'm not going rampant or anything, smashing things in my way as such. I keep the anger inside, hoping I get to confront the idiots who has treated my with disrespect and letting them know just how much of an idiot they really are. Then again I shouldn't sink to their level. I'm going to be the bigger person and not do anything stupid. Maybe i'll achieve success one day...

Women.

So before getting started with todays subject, I would just like to share with you a thought I had earlier today. I had several things running through my mind and at least three of them could be turned into a blog-entry. So I got the brilliant idea to post the three things as suggestions and have my readers decide what I should blog about. Then I came to the conclusion that I really can't see too many people following this blog with it's depressing nature. Plus, I don't believe that everyone who would have read that entry would actually vote, so that idea was best left alone...

Okay anywho, Women!
I discovered today that there are practically no women in my life, none that I know who I could hit on or for that matter even get feelings for. I was deeply sadened by that, because the truth is, most of the time I have had at least one girl whom I could give my attention to.
Now it feels like I have none. There were potentials not too long ago, but one after one they all kind of faded away. So now I try to figure women out, even though it is destined to fail.
It feels like I know nothing about women at all, they function in a different way, they snare hidden messages into many things they say etc etc.
I search my mind in order to re-examine all the things I have learned about human behaviour only to notice that most rules can't be applied to women. The reason for that is, my knowledge about human behaviour are often main issues which regard men and women alike, but don't have the depth to be applied to any of the two genders.
If I knew the human behaviour of women it would be alot easier to analyze whatever they say and whatever they do, because let's face facts, I don't really possess the art of speaking to women and I can't say I ever had.

So what I have to do is figuring women out, which just seems like a uncomfortable thing to do, and here is why. If I knew exactly how women worked I would probably discover the quantity of things I had to do to win them over. The amount of work I had to do could actually scare me away in contrary to motivating me. Many would probably say that knowing everything takes away the element of surprise and the thrill of the game. Me on the other hand would relish the chance of knowing enough so that I finally could get a girl and quit playing this depressing game. As of recent there are really no girls in sight for me, and that just sucks big time...

"The nerd never gets the girl."

Those particular words stuck with me. Even though they were contradicted and proven wrong at a later moment, the original words saying "The nerd never gets the girl." echoes in my mind.
Okay, maybe an external part should really confirm the fact that I could be called a nerd, perhaps geek or dork are more appropriate words.
So it's not really the nerd word i'm hung up on. It's the meaning of the sentence and what it stands for. There is of course more depth in that sentence than you might understand at this time.
The sentence itself implys that a "nerd" never gets the extremely beautiful girl. With society functioning as it does that is not completely untrue either.
Many of us are obsessed with outer appearance (Yes I have brought this up before). Just knowing that the sentence to a large extent is true, that is what pisses me off and lowers my self-esteem.

I would gladly revoke the sentence from ever being uttered. Since i'm not capable of such remarking things I will instead try to somehow get the echo out of my head. As so many other bad things, this echo gets to me, no matter how innocent it was at that moment it's still torment for many persons minds. Many would probably tell me that I should ignore that sentence because it isn't "true". What many people also do is tell you what you want to hear, even though they really know that the sentence itself makes a lot of sense. Friendship versus realism is something you could call it.

Maybe the reason for me reacting the way I have towards the sentence just shows you how easy it is to get to me. Pathetic as I am I just sit here, paralyzed from feet to head, trying to figure out how to make the echo go away. Using the sentence as a trigger to achieve bigger and better things is not an option, because I couldn't really go to many days with those words in my head. So for the moment i'll have to endure the hard words of partial reality which clearly says "The nerd never gets the girl.".

Tired.

I don't mean i'm tired from blogging. I'm mentally tired. Today I have read and experienced things from a sort ouf outside "point of view". It has made me aware of certain things, one thing in particular which scares me quite a bit. My main interest is my problem, I need to find someone who can accept the fact that football is not something I like watching, it's something I NEED to watch. So I came to a conclusion that if I am ever going to be in a relationship I need to find a girl who can accept and understand my interest, or it is bound not to work. Football is one of those things I won't give up. Some might say that in order for a relationship to work you have to make some sacrifices. Football, however, is a thing I cannot sacrifice even if my life were at stake.

It still bothers me though, I can picture the day I meet a girl I like extremely much and the one thing keeping us apart is the mere fact that she probably despises football. There might be other things that I enjoy doing that doesn't sit well with girls I meet. Another question popping up in my head is "How much does the girl I meet have to be in to me to overlook my big interests, even if she despises them?"
It bothers me as hell, and yes this is on the border of insanely pessimistic thinking, but my mind is still my mind and by now you should be used to the way my mind works.

I can at least say that today and parts of yesterday have been "brighter" days since my mental collapse a couple of days ago. So it's going in the right direction, how long it will last is a totally different issue which I have no answer to. There is hope at the end of the tunnel but i'm still to afraid... damnit...

Reluctant understanding.

Something tells me that certain things are to obvious for us to even be aware of. I recently noticed that even though I practically told the truth to someone regarding the person I talked to, they still didn't see that the truth was about them. Maybe we don't always want to know the truth and therefore our mind automatically shuts out whatever we may find out about our selfs.
I wish I could be more straight forward as far as the truth goes, then again im still a chicken being afraid to actually tell people how I feel. Sometimes I feel to many feelings at the same time which renders it quite confusing to tell anyone how I feel.
I just wish that I had the guts to say what I need to say, there are some who are to be considered candidates as far as knowing the truth. However I must make a choice between these candidates. Why you ask? Because at no time, what so ever, can the truth be told to more than one candidate. Outsiders may know, but that can cause problems, so I would not advice anyone to do so.

So here I am sitting, with a truth. Yet I am not certain the truth will do the persons involved any good. One reason for that is the mere fact that im not even sure myself if the truth really is the truth. There are some loopholes that I have not yet figured out, and to figure them out I have to throw myself out there, making me vulnerable to so many things and so many people. So yes I am a chicken, I am also indecisive about what to do.
I leeked another truth, that's why. So the rules have changed, because the first truth is out and with that comes change. Change that could be for the better and for the worse, unfortunately for me this is just one more thing I can't figure out.

My mind is actually starting to hurt, how am I suppose to solve this? Now that so many factors are working against me? Time stepped in and reminded me of certain things that I was also reminded of exactly one year ago. Time has helped me understand how the people involving the truth has changed over a specific period of time. Taking that into consideration I really have to be focused and one hundred percent sure of everything. Assumptions are not something I can afford right now.

Confused? I bet your not nearly as confused as I am.