The creator might be the solution.

So the most recent problem was created by someone. It did not occur from nothing as some problems have the tendency to do.
Knowing the source of the problem is of course a great advantage. Now I can tackle the problem knowing that if I hit a rough patch I can always seek the creator to find guidance.
This seeking of the creator is where I stand at the moment. I have to find the creator in order to get the guidance I need at the moment.
There is however somewhat of a catch as far as seeking the creator goes.
When you seek the creator looking for guidance you need to be 100 % clear in what way you need guidance. If you ask the creator the wrong question you will get guidance but not in the right way.
So right now I'm preparing myself for when I meet the creator.
It is crucial that I get that meeting just right, otherwise the problem will linger on. It's not the end of the world if I should fail, but I really don't want to. I have to go for the better alternative this time around. Mainly because I know I hardly won't lose anything should things go ill.
With that security I feel confident towards the meeting with the creator.
You might call me a coward since I wouldn't dare risk anything if I knew there was more to lose.

If all my calculations are correct the meeting with the creator could be tomorrow already.
There is a small possibility that the creator should actually make fun of me for making this inquiry about receiving guidance.
That is a worst case scenrio for me at this point. But the probability of that scenrio actually occuring is very small.
But then again things has always intended to go the wrong way when I'm involved so a worst case scenario wouldn't surprise me either.
I'll finish this little segment with the source of my problems to whom I need guidance.
I can't really read the people I wish I could read... that would just make it to easy wouldn't it?

The effect of a sentence.

This post will be about one sentence. The sentence itself will not be written in this blogpost. That would make it to easy for you as a reader to figure out.
The sentence was when uttered meant to be friendly, but that's not how I choose to interpret it.
It somewhat digged deep into my very core making my head as confused as it can be.
I should also mention that said sentence was not spoken today, but recently.
Even though it was said with the best intention is got twisted along the way to my brain, the sentence is very mcuh connected to one of my older posts.
The sentence revolves around one initial thought I once had, a good thought, and a way to optimistic thought at that.
So it all faultered as my optimistic thoughts tend to do. I put that thought and all events connected to that thought behind actually hoping not to re-experience it. Even though the thought was as optimistic as previously said.
All of a sudden during one conversation a person utters a sentence which sent my mind wandering back to that thought and events tied to it.

What also has my mind concerned is the fact that the person who said the sentence believed that something was going on in my life that I haven't even seen. This doesn't mean it hasn't happened, but it raises the question if it has happened without me knowing.
If so, I feel really weird and will not be quite sure how to tackle possible situations should things progress.
It's not that a part of me hasn't wanted this, it's just the whole situation. Hearing that specific sentence from someone who isn't involved in past events which are tied to the sentence.
I get so frustrated knowing that one sentence can start to play with my mind in this way that even my awareness of the game doesn't change my way of thought.
How I will tackle this whole issue will actually be known to me after the weekend, at least I hope so.
One part of me feels great, another part is just trying to commit suicide by the mear thought of experiencing previous events once more.
One sentence might ruin me... how about that?

Confusion is upon me.

Ok so I have told you at some point that I often make the worst first impression. Something i'm working on but none the less it's still an issue. So when you meet new people you always have the knowledge in the back of your head that "You don't make a good forst impression".
That is my pessimistic side emerging to once again make me do the wrong thing or just fail in general.
So I still believe I make the worst first impressions because i'm not really capable of changing the way my mind thinks in that particular subject.
I haven't really gotten anything validated by anyone else and i'm not sure aanyone would actually tell the truth about it either.
Some people do however tell me things that I can immediately recognise as facts regarding their forst impression of me. Some things are actually good but are often evened out by bad things as well. Those persons who do knowingly or unknowingly speak about me, and my first impression, don't always realise that sometimes it's really like someone punching you in the gut.
I know it's not always peoples intention to say these things in a bad way, but no matter how they say it I will always feel hurt in some way.

So now to the thing that bothers me, I meet people know and then and I do remember when people mention things regarding my first impression.
What bothers me is the fact that everyone has so many scattered things to say about my first impression that i'm starting to believe that I don't really have a personality any more.
I might be a mixture of personalities that collide and as such can't have a personality of my own that is clear and consistent.
All this just makes me harder for me to define me as a person as I seem to drift into some kind of non-existance, being someone without an actual identity or personality.
I just feel plain confused about the whole thing..

Sunday special.

Well if you haven't noticed it's my third sunday in a road i'm posting a blog entry. Well many would technically call it Saturday but I really couldn't care about that right now.
Since I haven't read through my blog recently this might be subject I've already adressed but I'll do it again just to be sure.
Events of recent have been happening with mixed feelings. "An emotional rollercoaster" to use one catch-phrase. I was really glad because it was such a special day a couple of days ago and everything seemed great, but I encountered human betrayal and lack of respect once again. Every good thing that the current day was suppose to represent somehow got overshadowed by the sad factor that is the human race!
At that very day it was easy to put aside and focus on more important things that was going to happen. Now that I have had the chance to melt that wonderful day I still get stuck by the lack of respect I was showed during this day.
My past caught up with me in a suspicious way and it actually showed me that, even though there are many things I am sceptical towards which turns out to be much better, there are some things I should be sceptical about but that I have no suspicion towards what so ever.
So I got fooled by onw of the oldest tricks in the book. So inviting and trustworthy was the whole situation that it had failure written all over it.
Now I can learn from my "mistake" , if that's what you should call actually truting someone, and try to forsee the same tragical event before hand to such extent that it can be avoided completely.
Now I can look forward to more situations of the same caliber, situations that should be friendly and welcoming only to swiftly change into a hostile and threatening one.
This is all because of my past and people who cannot let go of that past, people who can't let go of the person I used to be.

That ladies and gentleman was this weeks Sunday Special! Hope you enjoyed it...

Back to dreaming.

Just recently I was sleeping.
Not recently as in minutes ago. Recently as in a couple of nights ago.
The following day I wanted to write about my dream or dreams from that night. But I did not. The dreams were so much to process I had to give the dreams extra time to fully understand the contents.
I do not know if my mind sensed my own physical distress and because of that chose to divide that partciaular night into many many small dreams.
I also don't know if my mind somehow remembered every single dream I had that night and because of that linked all my dreams together so that when I woke up I felt I had dreamt a lifetime.
What I most certainly don't know is if I even at this point fully understand what went on in my head that night.
And what I never want to know but I will have to find out eventually is whether or not those dreams will become reality.
I have spoken earlier of dreams so clear you could swear they were talking to you. Every single dream that night was clear as day, and the contents of them had all the possibilities of coming true.
It seemed like every bad feeling i've ever felt was crammed into my dreams.
Every bad scenario I have ever imagined regarding my life was put into motion. My mind put me in the lead role of my future life, enabling me to see all the bad things that could happen.
I also have to say that one of the shorter dreams I had was an anomaly. It was a hopeful dream, dreadfully hopeful.
Now it's time for bed yet again and I cannot help wonder, will I be guided once more by the things my unconscious has picked up that my conscious is still trying to elude? Or will I have to face the harsh reality that could be my future life once again?

A prelude to summer.

Today I saw a great change in the weather. The sun gave us warmth and the wind blew softly and gently. Everyone seemed happy as the warmth of the sun turned their winter moods into a summer-laughter.
As most people turn into glad and positive entitys, and all other positive things that summer weather brings, I turn into a more dark being.
Summer is not the time for me. Well that's not entirely true. There are certainly days during the summer that even I can call good.
The warm weather that came today reminded me of so many things from my past. My past wasn't bad in any way so the majority of memories were in fact happy memories.
But many of those things which sprung into my mind are so positive and so good that it makes me kind of depressed because I'm most certain I won't re-live any of those moments again.
There was also the factor of a death from last year that surely will make me fall into some sort of grief many times during the summer to come.
So many good childhood memories are linked to the now late person and a certain place to whom that person is connected. The person and place put together represent everything that summer is to me.
Since both the place and the person is no longer in my life it will be most difficult to experience a summer which would be remotely close, happiness wise, to the summers which I have had.

But now to the majority of my concern. Since I often thrive on the sadness and depression of others I function best during the cold and dark parts of the year. As other fail to see happiness and joy I go the opposite direction. It is not a feeling of choice, it is just the way I work.
Now dark and cold times are over and we can see the sun, hear the birds, see the change of color and of life. With these things come the joy and happiness of others and as I continue to go the opposite direction. Well you figure it out..

Summer is not a season ment for me any more.

The unpredictable.

Since most of us are so aware of ourselves in the way we think, act and analyze it is not surprising that people with that kind of self awareness can predict the outcome of several situations in which they find themselves throughout life.
I can predict most things coming my way but I've noticed a recent change in that particular area. All of a sudden things are no longer clear and several things has happened, most of them good believe it or not.
Have I gone this blind over the years that I have actually lost the ability to forsee happiness and joy. Am I so used to things not going my way that my mind has solely forgot how to predict that which is good?
Not one of the abilities I am very fond of losing, but it does make some kind of sense. Happiness seems to come along so seldom these days that some sort of sadness has clouded my mind making it all that more difficult to spot the good things, even if your staring bliss itself in the eye.

But being able to predict happiness may also render in the loss of pure happiness because if we have the ability to forsee good things we also lose the moment of positive surprise towards that moment of happiness.
So I am faced with a problem. I could endure not knowing when good things are about to happen and let my mind continue to single out the bad moments and helping me forsee them. Or I could learn to forsee good moments as well and can with that knowledge steer my ship to the more joyful moments which I often crave to some great extent.

Another dilemma, it seems they just wont run out.

The interpretation of dreams.

You do it, I do it, animals probably do it. We dream.
Dreams, they are fantastic improvised images created by our mind with the help of what we experience in real life.
Some say dreams have a greater meaning to them, others simply insist that dreams are only dreams.
Some people do dream but are unfortunate enough to forget whatever went through their mind during the late hours of the night.
I, on the other hand, remember almost every little detail of my dreams. My dreams are still as most dreams are, weird an inconsistent. But something within my dreams seem to call out, thoughts of my subconscious aching to be released from my conscious forgetfulness.
So whenever I wake up it seems like their is something from my dream that tell me what do do or more precisely what I can do without forcing me.
Small hints and tips to guide me through life. But no matter how hard I try to remeber that single moment of clarification, that seems to occur in every dream, I can't.
It is both disturbing and annoying, knowing certain answers was revealed to you mere minutes before my mind pushed me out of the diverse stories and events which I call dreams.

I usually have one really long dream and as morning approaches the dreams increase in numbers and also increase in clarity. Although the longest dream usually is the more flipped out and interesting I often have to put it aside. I have to focus on the shorter dreams and remember what I can before most parts slip away.
I guess some of you would incourage me to write my dreams down so that I can later look back and try to interpret them to the best of my abilities, but I choose not to.
I believe that if there is something in my dream that has enough importance to me in my real life then I would never forget it even in my awakened state.
Maybe im grasping for air and such clarity through a dream will never occur, but for me to believe that dreams have a greater purpose then us humans know is probably what helps me fall asleep.
I fall asleep only to see if my answer already exists within me, deep down where only a subconscious mind can go.
Mental adventures are awesome!

Changes.

Things have very much changed since I last wrote, some things remain unchanged, some things have the possibility to change and some things are not even worth mentioning.
It seems like this blog might be coming to an end.
Every mental image and each scenario I decide to discuss seems discussed.
I can see my own mental pattern as I relapse into old ways of thought and everything that pops up in my mind has a "deja vu" effect.
It would seem I should be out of topics to write about and that is exactly what is happening.
I am running out, which would seem like a good thing but at the same time it's sad. Since I enjoy putting my thoughts into print.
There is however one subject which is vital to discuss.

The changing of people.
Because people do change, but it is not the changing that is the interesting part. What is interesting is what triggers the change and what people change into.
So many small insignificant factors play a huge part in the smallest events when it comes to people changing.
A chain of events spiral into one particular moment in which one person can see the apparent change another human has made, but only if both persons have some sort of connection to one another.
Only when you "truly" know someone you will be able to see the remarkable changes that person can make when put into a certain situation. Or the change they make when exposed to objects that sets ablaze emotional flames long forgotten within the human mind.

But these changes that seem to occur so suddenly can be for both better and for worse. We have all seen people be corrupted and destroyed by the wrong influence, others become great people which can be looked upon with admiration and respect. Most of the time however the change will only render in the part which is for the worse. Why this is can be discussed and pondered upon.
Maybe it's best to leave everyone to their pathetic changing and never speak of it again, but when the changing can be more controlled maybe then should we worry about the fatal consequences which most likely will occur when the wrong person makes the most incorrect decision. A decision with all the capabilities of the destruction of this world.

System overload.

It all seems to be building up on me and I can't seem to do anything right. I can't solve anything. Everywhere I look I see disappointment and failure. I would love to have a plan figured out and I would love to see the future.
I would love to be rid of all things directed at me and instead make it all vanish into thin air.
To dissolve everything in my path and find tranquility wherever it may hide.
I want mental serenity and I want a clear mind filled with bright ideas and hope.
I want to kill and save everyone at the same time and my contempt and disgust towards humans shift ever so often only to confuse me even more.
My mind swaps between a feeling of calm into total chaos and despair.
Desperation sets in and it feels I wander this earth in vain, I feel i'm walking on a path that only leeds to oblivion.
The days fly by as I lose myself within every thought and every emotion.
My insides jump of joy and at the same time decays by sadness.
Peoples glances says more than they ought to and peoples actions seems that much harsher.
My intentions and judgement are both clouded by the fatal breakdown that occurs in my mind.
I can't run and I can't stay.
Everything I do is a contradiction to those things which I have already done.
So for now I am truly lost and the tunnel keeps getting darker...