I didn't say anything.

Or at least that is the assumption that obviously has been made.
Maybe people have been consciously ignoring what I have said due to the fact that I can be full of nonsense. "The boy who called wolf." comes to mind.
Why?
Because I often joke around and can be quite hard to take seriously so when I do actually become serious people ignore me. They choose not to hear me because they are so certain that I am still joking around. This is of course a thing that I can blame on myself to quite some extent, but I should tell you that I have become more serious than I used to be. Even if it is not that apparent to many of you.
So I do try, but being serious doesn't seem worth it when people won't hear what you are saying.
At the same time I am faced with a dilemma, if I point out that I feel ignored, those who start listening at that point probably just listens because tehy feel sorry for me. That leads to people listening to me because they HAVE to and not because they WANT to and how much of what I am saying will they remember if that is the case.

So I want to tell people I'm feeling ignored. I almost want to smush it in peoples faces so they don't treat me with that kind of disrespect. This also means that I have to work hard to be someone who listens to what other people have to say.
But when I get ignored over and over again from people I really listen to when they speak, it is like being spat in the face. Like my opinion is not important what so ever.
So I'm feeling ignored.. but then again if I am ignored I reckon no one would read this far in my post anyway. If you did.. thank you for showing an interest.

Life Spark.

By now you as readers are probably well aware of my mental status. I also bet you are aware about the fact that whatever crosses my mind doesn't surprise me. But now I will have to prove myself wrong as I found 2400 reasons today why, the statement that I won't get surprised by my thoughts, is wrong.

No matter what state I have been in I have always felt. I have always had emotions that can be linked to every situation. I have had dreams, visions, revelations, appifanys and all these have been with a certain emotion inside me. Different emotion for different situations of course but emotions none the less. Yesterday I believe I might have encountered a new low. Not a dramatic low, but a huge low. For approximately 2400 seconds, or 40 minutes if you will, I was emotionless. I didn't feel anything. Because of my non-emotional status I can only reflect on these minutes because of how I FELT before and after.
Before that moment I was lying and thinking as I do sometimes. Thinking about everything and nothing. At some point I must have thought about something my mind would classify as forbidden, thus shutting down my entire existance it would seem. I can't really explain it but 40 minutes of my life disappeared almost as quick as you snap your fingers. But I am so aware of the fact that I didn't feel anything.

After I "woke up" from this state I got really sad. Really, really sad. The mere fact of being awake and actually experiencing emotionlessness was horrifying once I understodd what had happened. I believe that for about 40 minutes, or 2400 seconds if you will, I lost my life spark.
Now it seems I feel more than ever because I don't want to go back to my non-emotional state again. Life spark remain with me.. please..

A sense of belonging.

I believe that every person has a particular place in the world where they belong or even better, where they FEEL they belong. Most people have found that place and can in many ways be considered lucky. After much thought, and a long episode of reminiscing my entire life, I came to the conclusion that I actually don't belong anywhere. At least not in a way that I feel like I belong.
Every subject which I have come into contact with in my life has rendered me friends (Yes that is a good thing) but I have never really belonged.
I remember so many people, some which I still keep in touch with but also all those who I have no idea where they are in life. I remember them but I do not feel like I belonged with any of them.
There is only one person in my life which I can truly say I belong with. That person has unfortunately disappeared and can as such give me little help in this matter.
This person is from way back, but it is still one of the most important persons I have ever met considering what this person did for me.

Other than that I can't say I've felt a real feeling of belonging. For those people which I hang out with today I beg of you to not get mad at me for saying this. These are feelings that has nothing to do with who you are as persons, because I am grateful for all your friendships. These feelings are just there anyway. I have felt them today, I felt them yesterday and the day before that. I can honestly say that I have felt this feeling for a very, very, very long time.
I want to focus on how to get the feeling out of my head. But it is easier said than done since I have to find that place of belonging. That particular place in which I know, with every fiber of my body, that "This is where I belong and there is no other place in the world where I can feel the same way".

But finding such a place would set other thoughts and feelings in motion. When you find your place of belonging, how could you possibly leave willingly when you know in your heart that this is your place. Could you even be bothered with existing in another place knowing full well where your special place is located?
I find this hard to believe, but the moment you know you've found your place of belonging, the moment you know you can't feel much better. Oh, how I long for such an emotion as it is a gift and an illusion at the same time.

The sudden wake-up call.

I haven't had a reason to post anything and for that I am quite glad. Not that I don't want to involve you as readers of what I feel. But my posts are of the negative nature thus making any absence on the blog a good thing.
I write this post today, the post that should have been written yesterday. Fortunately this is one of those times when I remember what I intended to write.
You could call it one of my best but worst wake-up calls of all time.

To connect it to past events is inevitable. Mainly because it has everything to do with certain events of the past. Events that I don't really want to remember. All I can say is that during a short period of time inside one of my dreams I had astounding clearity. There were no dreamy blurs, no interupting in any way. I saw a person which I hold dear, but a person that I have nothing to do with any more. But our paths will cross again.
This person came to me in my dream and said words I would have liked to hear some time ago. Even though it was just a dream the words spoken somehow granted me a temporary calm which I will try to hold on to for as long as I can.
This person just came to me and said: "I'm sorry"
I kindly replied "No" which of course seems oddly strange to tell someone who just apologized. But it was like my mind was aware of the events which envolved both me and her. Yes it was a girl.
Why I kissed the girl afterwards is also weird. But we kissed and I woke up. Both happy, annoyed and angry. Then it all settled down and I chose to view this intense part of my dream as a subliminal message that allowed me to lay to rest what had happened some time ago.

But a kiss in a dream from a person I care so much about is also hard to experience. So my mind was probably playing me some huge prank, but this time it is safe to say I have come out of this situation without a scratch. What I carry with me is the mere knowledge that I have actually moved on. At least for now...

Over before it started.

I have had about a million different choices for this blogposts title.
But the one I chose really says it all. It was over before it even started.
Although I am an agnostic there were certainly signs this evening that a greater force was really in motion desroying all my hopes.
A divine entity that was battering on my every emotion making sure that whatever I wanted was not for me to have. Seldom has the message been this clear, seldom have I been this far from even having a fair shot and seldom have I come to such a crystalizing truth about myself as I did tonight.

I have found three earlier posts that really define my recent experience:

1. "The Roy Syndrome"
All credit goes to Rostad the creator of "The Roy Syndrome" theory. He was right in every way. What chance does the good guy have? Tonight was one of thos nights that really strengthened my belief in "The Roy Syndrome" and everything it stands for. Deep inside of me I really wanted him to be wrong, but there was something about that text that was just shouting out the word "truth". The correctness of the text has also been proven to me on several occasions.

2. "The Nerd never gets the Girl"
Perhaps the most apparent one of these three points. That's just how it is. I am the nerd, if I would say otherwise I would lie. This sentence is also directly connected to "The Roy Syndrome" so they both make everything that more undisputable. People would of course try to find some loophole in this depressing sentence. But there is really no loophole, I find it is merely the truth manifested in a somewhat tragic sentence.
To break free from this sentence I would have to say you need a darn huge miracle. As an agnostic I would really like to avoid this sentence but you would need "An act from god". Yes I know an "act of god" would be a miracle I just wanted to make myself clear.

3. It's just one of those days.
I could refer to so many days that would fit in to this category. This has definetely been one of my main candidates for "Most sucky day of my life". With that I don't mean that everyone I met and everything I did was bad. But the good times was most certainly overshadowed by the bad in ways I didn't even thought were possible. I can't really see how anything good could come from a day like the one I just had. The day itself was a proof of my as it seems endless accounts of failure.
Perhaps my recent spell of good days in a row had to be balanced out. (I think there might be a huge theory on the balancing act which has a really cool name but I can't remember it)

So there you have it, three extremely good reasons that really sums it up in a fantastic way don't you think?
It was over before it started, I can't compare with other guys. I certainly don't have what so many people call "Game". That part has eluded me thus creating somewhat of a huge problem.
A problem so severe that the sentence "It was over before it even started" is possible.
Maybe I was foolish to even try, because I just have to look at my own history to find numerous of bad-timed ill chosen moments to try.
I'm so upset of my failure that this post has taken me close to 40 minutes to write as I drift of to analyze what I did wrong. The ecuation is quite simple. I did everything wrong as always.

It was over long before it even started... in what world could I possibly beat anybody...

A pattern of certain days.

You could say I'm only half-way through this day but already the pattern is clear.
The pattern repeats itself as so many times before. I can't really control that negative side of me right now, it screams out with such ferocity that I just might go crazy.
I want to ignore I really do, but it penetrates every soundwave anything in this world could conjure at this point.
A part of me actually wants to hurt somebody, but I can't control the aim so I believe that I will be the one getting hurt.
My paranoia grows and the intensity and occurence of dark thoughts increase by the minute.
This is why I am a coward, this is why I somehow always make the wrong decision. Feelings like the ones I'm having at the moment are the exact feelings I have tried to ignore for many years now.
My paranoia grows as every movement, every word spoken, every action and every intention one could encounter trigger the lying parts of my perception.
I'm blinded by the strength of my paranoia as all sorts of emotions try to invade my mind only to push me into a weaker state of mind.
The paradox of everything I'm writing is also the cause of this last minute paranoia.
My body is preparing for the worst and the world seems to conspire against me only to make sure that my failure is complete.
Every good spell must come to an end and this day certainly has all the signs of "One of those days" .
My paranoia is even starting to push those buttons which shouldn't really exist in the first place.
A sense of hatred and anger circles my veins just waiting to burst, knowing full well that it would definetely destroy me, inside and out.
The pattern is clear...
By this time tomorrow I will have my verdict and I can assure you it's bound to be just as bad as I see it know. Anything else would be nothing short of a miracle.

Ambiguous times.

It's been a while since I wrote here. Mainly because it's been a long time without any incidents really and my mind has been awfully quiet. Well a part from all the normal despise, disgust and prejudice which are consistant within my mind that is.
But then I decided to make things difficult for myself.
With a narrow time frame and a lot of interaction to be made I can only establish the current situation as near impossible.
I didn't really know why I did it, but then again it had to be done. No more hiding, which by the way is one of many qualities that I possess.
Now I have to endure the part where I am utterly helpless. Well according to me I am, although some people will beg the differ.
This is also the part where all my lack of experience in this kind of situation will take it's toll.
You cannot solve what you do not know, and right now I'm fumbling in the dark looking for that minimalistic stream of light that will enable me to find my way out.
An unlucky outcome would of coure be the part where I'm stuck in darkness for eternity.

Of all the options and all the outcomes, the one path I will have to take still remains hidden from me. I have no idea what to do next. As always you fear what you do not know, that is why I fear this situation more than anything. Even though the leap I took is one far bigger than any I've taken recently.
Should I succeed, then I have beaten the hardest odds, defying my existence really.
Yet I can't help feeling it's not up to me. Logically it shouldn't be on me at this point. But my logic has failed me before, this renders me utterly confused as I strive to reach some form of clarity in this mist.
Yeah that is exactly what this is, a mental challenge existing of mist and darkness.
Mist & Darkness. How could I ever believe I was able to penetrate both?

The creator might be the solution.

So the most recent problem was created by someone. It did not occur from nothing as some problems have the tendency to do.
Knowing the source of the problem is of course a great advantage. Now I can tackle the problem knowing that if I hit a rough patch I can always seek the creator to find guidance.
This seeking of the creator is where I stand at the moment. I have to find the creator in order to get the guidance I need at the moment.
There is however somewhat of a catch as far as seeking the creator goes.
When you seek the creator looking for guidance you need to be 100 % clear in what way you need guidance. If you ask the creator the wrong question you will get guidance but not in the right way.
So right now I'm preparing myself for when I meet the creator.
It is crucial that I get that meeting just right, otherwise the problem will linger on. It's not the end of the world if I should fail, but I really don't want to. I have to go for the better alternative this time around. Mainly because I know I hardly won't lose anything should things go ill.
With that security I feel confident towards the meeting with the creator.
You might call me a coward since I wouldn't dare risk anything if I knew there was more to lose.

If all my calculations are correct the meeting with the creator could be tomorrow already.
There is a small possibility that the creator should actually make fun of me for making this inquiry about receiving guidance.
That is a worst case scenrio for me at this point. But the probability of that scenrio actually occuring is very small.
But then again things has always intended to go the wrong way when I'm involved so a worst case scenario wouldn't surprise me either.
I'll finish this little segment with the source of my problems to whom I need guidance.
I can't really read the people I wish I could read... that would just make it to easy wouldn't it?

The effect of a sentence.

This post will be about one sentence. The sentence itself will not be written in this blogpost. That would make it to easy for you as a reader to figure out.
The sentence was when uttered meant to be friendly, but that's not how I choose to interpret it.
It somewhat digged deep into my very core making my head as confused as it can be.
I should also mention that said sentence was not spoken today, but recently.
Even though it was said with the best intention is got twisted along the way to my brain, the sentence is very mcuh connected to one of my older posts.
The sentence revolves around one initial thought I once had, a good thought, and a way to optimistic thought at that.
So it all faultered as my optimistic thoughts tend to do. I put that thought and all events connected to that thought behind actually hoping not to re-experience it. Even though the thought was as optimistic as previously said.
All of a sudden during one conversation a person utters a sentence which sent my mind wandering back to that thought and events tied to it.

What also has my mind concerned is the fact that the person who said the sentence believed that something was going on in my life that I haven't even seen. This doesn't mean it hasn't happened, but it raises the question if it has happened without me knowing.
If so, I feel really weird and will not be quite sure how to tackle possible situations should things progress.
It's not that a part of me hasn't wanted this, it's just the whole situation. Hearing that specific sentence from someone who isn't involved in past events which are tied to the sentence.
I get so frustrated knowing that one sentence can start to play with my mind in this way that even my awareness of the game doesn't change my way of thought.
How I will tackle this whole issue will actually be known to me after the weekend, at least I hope so.
One part of me feels great, another part is just trying to commit suicide by the mear thought of experiencing previous events once more.
One sentence might ruin me... how about that?

Confusion is upon me.

Ok so I have told you at some point that I often make the worst first impression. Something i'm working on but none the less it's still an issue. So when you meet new people you always have the knowledge in the back of your head that "You don't make a good forst impression".
That is my pessimistic side emerging to once again make me do the wrong thing or just fail in general.
So I still believe I make the worst first impressions because i'm not really capable of changing the way my mind thinks in that particular subject.
I haven't really gotten anything validated by anyone else and i'm not sure aanyone would actually tell the truth about it either.
Some people do however tell me things that I can immediately recognise as facts regarding their forst impression of me. Some things are actually good but are often evened out by bad things as well. Those persons who do knowingly or unknowingly speak about me, and my first impression, don't always realise that sometimes it's really like someone punching you in the gut.
I know it's not always peoples intention to say these things in a bad way, but no matter how they say it I will always feel hurt in some way.

So now to the thing that bothers me, I meet people know and then and I do remember when people mention things regarding my first impression.
What bothers me is the fact that everyone has so many scattered things to say about my first impression that i'm starting to believe that I don't really have a personality any more.
I might be a mixture of personalities that collide and as such can't have a personality of my own that is clear and consistent.
All this just makes me harder for me to define me as a person as I seem to drift into some kind of non-existance, being someone without an actual identity or personality.
I just feel plain confused about the whole thing..

Sunday special.

Well if you haven't noticed it's my third sunday in a road i'm posting a blog entry. Well many would technically call it Saturday but I really couldn't care about that right now.
Since I haven't read through my blog recently this might be subject I've already adressed but I'll do it again just to be sure.
Events of recent have been happening with mixed feelings. "An emotional rollercoaster" to use one catch-phrase. I was really glad because it was such a special day a couple of days ago and everything seemed great, but I encountered human betrayal and lack of respect once again. Every good thing that the current day was suppose to represent somehow got overshadowed by the sad factor that is the human race!
At that very day it was easy to put aside and focus on more important things that was going to happen. Now that I have had the chance to melt that wonderful day I still get stuck by the lack of respect I was showed during this day.
My past caught up with me in a suspicious way and it actually showed me that, even though there are many things I am sceptical towards which turns out to be much better, there are some things I should be sceptical about but that I have no suspicion towards what so ever.
So I got fooled by onw of the oldest tricks in the book. So inviting and trustworthy was the whole situation that it had failure written all over it.
Now I can learn from my "mistake" , if that's what you should call actually truting someone, and try to forsee the same tragical event before hand to such extent that it can be avoided completely.
Now I can look forward to more situations of the same caliber, situations that should be friendly and welcoming only to swiftly change into a hostile and threatening one.
This is all because of my past and people who cannot let go of that past, people who can't let go of the person I used to be.

That ladies and gentleman was this weeks Sunday Special! Hope you enjoyed it...

Back to dreaming.

Just recently I was sleeping.
Not recently as in minutes ago. Recently as in a couple of nights ago.
The following day I wanted to write about my dream or dreams from that night. But I did not. The dreams were so much to process I had to give the dreams extra time to fully understand the contents.
I do not know if my mind sensed my own physical distress and because of that chose to divide that partciaular night into many many small dreams.
I also don't know if my mind somehow remembered every single dream I had that night and because of that linked all my dreams together so that when I woke up I felt I had dreamt a lifetime.
What I most certainly don't know is if I even at this point fully understand what went on in my head that night.
And what I never want to know but I will have to find out eventually is whether or not those dreams will become reality.
I have spoken earlier of dreams so clear you could swear they were talking to you. Every single dream that night was clear as day, and the contents of them had all the possibilities of coming true.
It seemed like every bad feeling i've ever felt was crammed into my dreams.
Every bad scenario I have ever imagined regarding my life was put into motion. My mind put me in the lead role of my future life, enabling me to see all the bad things that could happen.
I also have to say that one of the shorter dreams I had was an anomaly. It was a hopeful dream, dreadfully hopeful.
Now it's time for bed yet again and I cannot help wonder, will I be guided once more by the things my unconscious has picked up that my conscious is still trying to elude? Or will I have to face the harsh reality that could be my future life once again?

A prelude to summer.

Today I saw a great change in the weather. The sun gave us warmth and the wind blew softly and gently. Everyone seemed happy as the warmth of the sun turned their winter moods into a summer-laughter.
As most people turn into glad and positive entitys, and all other positive things that summer weather brings, I turn into a more dark being.
Summer is not the time for me. Well that's not entirely true. There are certainly days during the summer that even I can call good.
The warm weather that came today reminded me of so many things from my past. My past wasn't bad in any way so the majority of memories were in fact happy memories.
But many of those things which sprung into my mind are so positive and so good that it makes me kind of depressed because I'm most certain I won't re-live any of those moments again.
There was also the factor of a death from last year that surely will make me fall into some sort of grief many times during the summer to come.
So many good childhood memories are linked to the now late person and a certain place to whom that person is connected. The person and place put together represent everything that summer is to me.
Since both the place and the person is no longer in my life it will be most difficult to experience a summer which would be remotely close, happiness wise, to the summers which I have had.

But now to the majority of my concern. Since I often thrive on the sadness and depression of others I function best during the cold and dark parts of the year. As other fail to see happiness and joy I go the opposite direction. It is not a feeling of choice, it is just the way I work.
Now dark and cold times are over and we can see the sun, hear the birds, see the change of color and of life. With these things come the joy and happiness of others and as I continue to go the opposite direction. Well you figure it out..

Summer is not a season ment for me any more.

The unpredictable.

Since most of us are so aware of ourselves in the way we think, act and analyze it is not surprising that people with that kind of self awareness can predict the outcome of several situations in which they find themselves throughout life.
I can predict most things coming my way but I've noticed a recent change in that particular area. All of a sudden things are no longer clear and several things has happened, most of them good believe it or not.
Have I gone this blind over the years that I have actually lost the ability to forsee happiness and joy. Am I so used to things not going my way that my mind has solely forgot how to predict that which is good?
Not one of the abilities I am very fond of losing, but it does make some kind of sense. Happiness seems to come along so seldom these days that some sort of sadness has clouded my mind making it all that more difficult to spot the good things, even if your staring bliss itself in the eye.

But being able to predict happiness may also render in the loss of pure happiness because if we have the ability to forsee good things we also lose the moment of positive surprise towards that moment of happiness.
So I am faced with a problem. I could endure not knowing when good things are about to happen and let my mind continue to single out the bad moments and helping me forsee them. Or I could learn to forsee good moments as well and can with that knowledge steer my ship to the more joyful moments which I often crave to some great extent.

Another dilemma, it seems they just wont run out.

The interpretation of dreams.

You do it, I do it, animals probably do it. We dream.
Dreams, they are fantastic improvised images created by our mind with the help of what we experience in real life.
Some say dreams have a greater meaning to them, others simply insist that dreams are only dreams.
Some people do dream but are unfortunate enough to forget whatever went through their mind during the late hours of the night.
I, on the other hand, remember almost every little detail of my dreams. My dreams are still as most dreams are, weird an inconsistent. But something within my dreams seem to call out, thoughts of my subconscious aching to be released from my conscious forgetfulness.
So whenever I wake up it seems like their is something from my dream that tell me what do do or more precisely what I can do without forcing me.
Small hints and tips to guide me through life. But no matter how hard I try to remeber that single moment of clarification, that seems to occur in every dream, I can't.
It is both disturbing and annoying, knowing certain answers was revealed to you mere minutes before my mind pushed me out of the diverse stories and events which I call dreams.

I usually have one really long dream and as morning approaches the dreams increase in numbers and also increase in clarity. Although the longest dream usually is the more flipped out and interesting I often have to put it aside. I have to focus on the shorter dreams and remember what I can before most parts slip away.
I guess some of you would incourage me to write my dreams down so that I can later look back and try to interpret them to the best of my abilities, but I choose not to.
I believe that if there is something in my dream that has enough importance to me in my real life then I would never forget it even in my awakened state.
Maybe im grasping for air and such clarity through a dream will never occur, but for me to believe that dreams have a greater purpose then us humans know is probably what helps me fall asleep.
I fall asleep only to see if my answer already exists within me, deep down where only a subconscious mind can go.
Mental adventures are awesome!

Changes.

Things have very much changed since I last wrote, some things remain unchanged, some things have the possibility to change and some things are not even worth mentioning.
It seems like this blog might be coming to an end.
Every mental image and each scenario I decide to discuss seems discussed.
I can see my own mental pattern as I relapse into old ways of thought and everything that pops up in my mind has a "deja vu" effect.
It would seem I should be out of topics to write about and that is exactly what is happening.
I am running out, which would seem like a good thing but at the same time it's sad. Since I enjoy putting my thoughts into print.
There is however one subject which is vital to discuss.

The changing of people.
Because people do change, but it is not the changing that is the interesting part. What is interesting is what triggers the change and what people change into.
So many small insignificant factors play a huge part in the smallest events when it comes to people changing.
A chain of events spiral into one particular moment in which one person can see the apparent change another human has made, but only if both persons have some sort of connection to one another.
Only when you "truly" know someone you will be able to see the remarkable changes that person can make when put into a certain situation. Or the change they make when exposed to objects that sets ablaze emotional flames long forgotten within the human mind.

But these changes that seem to occur so suddenly can be for both better and for worse. We have all seen people be corrupted and destroyed by the wrong influence, others become great people which can be looked upon with admiration and respect. Most of the time however the change will only render in the part which is for the worse. Why this is can be discussed and pondered upon.
Maybe it's best to leave everyone to their pathetic changing and never speak of it again, but when the changing can be more controlled maybe then should we worry about the fatal consequences which most likely will occur when the wrong person makes the most incorrect decision. A decision with all the capabilities of the destruction of this world.

System overload.

It all seems to be building up on me and I can't seem to do anything right. I can't solve anything. Everywhere I look I see disappointment and failure. I would love to have a plan figured out and I would love to see the future.
I would love to be rid of all things directed at me and instead make it all vanish into thin air.
To dissolve everything in my path and find tranquility wherever it may hide.
I want mental serenity and I want a clear mind filled with bright ideas and hope.
I want to kill and save everyone at the same time and my contempt and disgust towards humans shift ever so often only to confuse me even more.
My mind swaps between a feeling of calm into total chaos and despair.
Desperation sets in and it feels I wander this earth in vain, I feel i'm walking on a path that only leeds to oblivion.
The days fly by as I lose myself within every thought and every emotion.
My insides jump of joy and at the same time decays by sadness.
Peoples glances says more than they ought to and peoples actions seems that much harsher.
My intentions and judgement are both clouded by the fatal breakdown that occurs in my mind.
I can't run and I can't stay.
Everything I do is a contradiction to those things which I have already done.
So for now I am truly lost and the tunnel keeps getting darker...

Deadlock.

Everything has come to a deadlock, which only increases the amount of failure in my life.
I cannot afford a deadlock, not now, not ever. It seems as though I am blocking myself from crucial information which is required to break said deadlock.
Yes life goes on and so does time, but the deadlock has a much deeper importance than just being a deadlock.
It represents so much that has been going on and it is preventing several good things from happening. I try to go forward, I try to solve it all, but nothing seems to work. Have I lost my touch to read myself and see what is troubling me?
I can't answer that question because it's all in a deadlock, hence I can ask the questions but the solutions are not available to me at this point.
As several happenings has changed my priorities in the past days I have also been able to spot what's up ahead and even though it is clear what is coming the deadlock prevents me from facing these events.
This will render in most unpleasant consequences that will really change the frest of my life.
So I ask myself, is it really a coincidence that the deadlock occurs at such crucial times as it is?
Probably not, but now I must work around my deadlock in order to figure out it's purpose so I can solve it and be rid of it. Only then can I once again challenge myself on a mental level.
Only then can I be 100% sure what is to come.
Deadlock + Future = FAILURE!

Coincidence?

It couldn't all be a big coincidence. That's just not a possibility.
I see things, take them in, process and finally I conclude.
Now that i'm done concluding it's like a big plot that has been put right before me.
The plot itself shouldn't be described in any particular way, it's just a plot.
The way the plot got in front of me, that's the interesting part.
I feel like everything is speaking to me, everything is telling me everything.
No matter what do I do or which direction I look there is something there to remind me of either what is going on with me or what has already happened.
The things I see never determine the future, it only give me quick glances at what I have to expect in a somewhat near future.
The fact remains however that random things in our world seem to speak to me. What this makes me I don't know, but I do know I feel quite strange and weiry.
We doubt everything that everything says and at the same time I deny it.

"Everytime you look into the future it changes, because you looked at it and that changes everything" . All of a sudden that particular sentence makes all the sense in the world. Should I live by it or should I only accept its existance? Should I acknowledge its obvious truth or should I despise it for the many lies it might be telling me?
That sentence might be the answer to all my current paranoia which seems to just flow from me like a silent force waiting to strike me down. It waits for the right moment though it probably senses that my time is not now.
Every voice, every truth, every conclusion. They assemble in a whirlpool of lost thoughts waiting to find its context in my life, waiting to be released into its true form.

Transformation is only a paranoia away...

Trifles.

Why is it that people cant always contain themselves emotionally when it comes to trifles?
I've seen many people in my days burst by the simplest trifles you could possibly imagine.
What is that thing that blossoms within a persons mind and suddenly explodes into a million emotions set out to destroy whoever gets in its way?
This could be tied back to a previous post of mine called "People need insight".
Because let's face facts, people without insight probably doesn't notice when they snap for the smallest things.
The withholding of feelings, that's what it is. We walk around and things happen to us, so we ventilate our feelings to near friends or psychologists or whom ever. Thus we relieve our body from whatever anxiety or disturbance it may have.
Some people choose to harvest their feelings, this will result in the emotional explosion that often occurs over a trifle.
We just let all feelings bottle up inside of us and eventually we burst, the sad part is that harvesting feelings also makes us blind. We loose sight of how we really feel, and then BANG!
One insignificant event leads to the breaking of friendships, the breaking of a relationship, the breaking of ones spirit.
Someone always get hurt. It is almost an inevitable fact that has to be considered carefully.
It is a daily thing, most of us experience it several times a week, and when that happens you could ask yourself this.
Am I in the same situation? If you are be cautious of your actions and make every attempt to relieve your body of those harvested feelings so that you avoid hurting someone close to you.
For those who aren't in that situation I say beware, events like that may be closer than you know.

So trifles, accept them, solve them in a mature way and you might just get some people to open up and share their feelings instead of snapping at you.
Or you just have bad luck like me and it all goes to hell...

Equally complicated?

Could it be that women and men are equally complicated?
Or is it just a myth impossible to verify since we all have our different angles of approach?
I have made huge considerations regarding this subject in the past, but as always there are triggers to rekindle that long-lost thought lingering way back in your head.
So are we equally complicated? Because as far as I know that doesn't really make sense. Men are far closer to the primal ways in most of the things they do, women are more sofisticated.
The needs, beliefs, inspirational sources, way of thinking, decision making etc. are all impossible to compare between the two genders.
Yet we insist that one is more complicated than the other. That seems kind of unfare, because you can't really compare if you only have your own personal experiences to go by, they tell not the truth nor do they lie, they are exactly what you have told yourself they are.
Interpretation is the key here, should we speak to an über-psychologist we mind find some truth in who is the more complicated one.
I have however decided to give you my version of this unending (?) dilemma.

Women are the more complicated ones for several reasons.
They choose to be complicated in the way that they say one thing when they mean another and always rely on men to figure out what they actually mean. It doesn't apply to all women of course, but a vast majority of it. Men however often say what they mean, though it is strongly controlled depending on the subject.
Women tend to hold back on more things but they show emotion, men blurt out most things but tend to leave it all quite emotionless.
I can't think of another major factor right now, however there are more things to the puzzle, but that would mean I have to get personal and that's just not going to happen.

I stand by my thoughts as I refuse to interpret what women actually mean when they say something. Although it could be alot of fun. I have chosen to interpret why they choose to speak in codes and such.. and I have yet to figure out and answer.
There is one question I have to ask myself though, why do people go through so much shit (to go straight to the point) ?
Yes I know my posts also contain alot of crap I guess. That is because this is readable by everyone who finds the page, thus rendering a withdrawal of the thoughts and information I possess.
But in real life and in a real discussion.. why go through the trouble?

External sources 2.

I thought of something else regarding this subject. It's called fear.
Because I can relate to other sources I tend to see what happens to them. The outcome of situations in their "life" are often options which my mind would never consider. I can as such add a possible outcome if the same situation happens to me. This renders fear... unfortunately.
Because they often face situations I haven't had a chance to experience yet, this means I feel fear depending on the outcome of their situation. Should go things go bad for them, then I automatically assume I would do much worse in the same situation.
So I watch and I hope they solve whatever they face in the most succesful way, and at the same time I look at the probability that I should be able to solve it the same way.
I hope, and at the same time I am afraid because there is always several bad options to be considered, and nothing considers bad options like my brain. Not according to me anyway.

The time has almost come when I will be faced with new events thanks to the external sources.
I can already say there will be at least two events this week which can greatly affect me. This number however will also increase to a certain three events a week not far from now.
This makes me wonder, will that increase my hopes and my fears, or maybe if one external source comes to a sort of standoff, then I only have to worry about two sources.
People might say I should consider leaving the external sources alone so that my mind can be a little more at peace with its surroundings. That is however not an option I'm willing to accept at this point.
I feel that whatever happens to my external sources it might come to great use in my own life, and it might happen quite soon.
One things for sure, the upcoming events will trigger more thoughts.. but will they trigger good or bad thoughts?

External sources.

Let's begin with a simple explanation. I have let external sources guide me through life, and many sources at that.
Now the important part.
How has this happened?
To a large extent all the external sources, which I have let influence my life, are quite similar and can as such be explained in a fairly easy way.
The sources are mostly TV based, and to be really honest it is mostly fragments from each individual source which interest me.
I see myself in those sources and I can relate to most things they do, but I'll never be like them and I will probably never achieve the same success as them. It's amazing how fake people can actually have such great impact on one man, but they do, and that frightens me in so many ways.
I look at them and see myself. Sometimes I see good and other times I see bad, not a surprising verdict but that's the way it is.
The sources (fake as they are) share my inside, and they definitely don't share my outside.
So take the outside part away and there you have me. I see myself in them, thought wise!
Things they say and events that happen are often direct copies of things that has happened to me over the years. What separates us is the fact that they find solutions to their problems, something I have yet to accomplish.
What goes through my mind the very moment they solve a problem I am familiar with my mind goes blank, I see rage and I see anger, frustration and desperation towards the fact that I won't solve my problem any time soon.
Despite all this I still look at them the next day, and I ask myself, why can't I be like them.
Deep inside me I already hear the quite apparent reason, it's too late, it really is too late.
But for all I care, I would not sit hear without the external sources, they are a drug and a curse, and I love them for it.

As time goes by.

Since my last post i've experienced a funeral, a christmas and new year. Oddly enough these experiences doesn't seem to stick. So many other things push them away, so many things that desperately needs solving. I'm not even in an emotional low and yet so many thoughts haunt my mind. My constant despise towards people and my ever existing self-pity.
Several times during the past days different things have come up. The weird thing was that my mind did not use the standard way of thinking, it used weird paths that I have seldom seen. Whats even weirder is the fact that the way of thinking was applied to all my thoughts. For once my mind did not make an ounce of sense, I should maybe replace it, or my mind is just overworked with all the crap I choose to deal with.
This might be one of the reasons that my blogging has been oblivious of late.

There was one thing however. The feeling of chaotic lonelyness, it crept up on me then devoured me in an instant. I can't say exactly when it happened, but I was shocked at the time. I know something bad is about to happen, because everytime lonelyness becomes this apparent things have always turned for the worse. As much as i'd like to have female options to consult with, it sseemingly pointless to even consider such a thing right now, because the failure of my closest aquaintances have been many during the last two-three weeks.
One thing I have noticed is the apparent complication that people get when they promise things. It's not that I am surprised of the fact because it's not the first time and it sure ain't the last.
What worries me is yet again peoples inability to examine themselves in order to make right what they seem to do wrong all the time.

A little side quote to all this: I see in peoples eyes long forgotten looks that remind me of a time when I did not appreciate life at all. The bad part is you can never tell the looks to disappear, for they are bound to the connection between me and those who carry the look. It's a large chain of effects that does not break easily. Even if I have no intention of breaking it just yet, I must always wait until the most oppurtune moment..