Saturday 6 March 2010

Time for a cleansing.

It would appear that I must cleanse alot of things close to me.
I would so like to point out exactly everything to all of you but I will choose not to.
Mostly because I wouldn't want to put people in the spotlight because of what they have done and most of them aren't even aware of their actions.
But people have made a choice towards me, and it's not a nice choice in anyway. But instead of confronting me asking me things and trying to figure out where I stand they do things their own way thus making my opinion unnecessary.
So I have recently seen tendencies from people strengthening my awareness of the situation, and in doing so making me more prone to starting the cleansing.

If people only had the guts to tell the truth more often. Which seems to be the main ingredience lacking from the majority of people I confront. Why the truth terrifies everyone is not a mystery but it is still a known fact that the truth is scary in general, because of what it can do to people.
If this means that these objects of my cleansing is afraid of me and what them telling the truth might make me do, they are wrong.
But I am ofted sorted into a specific category by people. This being largely my fault, but it still pisses me off that people can't see beyond what I once was and focusing on what I am now.
Then they might see that telling me the truth might stop me from having to cleanse anything at all. But the odds of people telling me the truth are quite cosmical at the moment.
The sad part is.. I am not surprised.

Tuesday 2 March 2010

It takes but a second.

I haven't really researched about whether or not there is a term for a depression which occurs ever so seldom but when it occurs it takes but a second to crowd out your mind.
If there is a name for it however, then I got it.
It struck me ever so swiftly, ever so badly. My stomach curled up and everything I've worked to forget came back with a bang. So today I have faced a day where everything seems obsolete.
I don't want to think, I don't want to feel.
It's one of those days where existance in itself is undesirable from my part.
To untangle my stomach and be rid of the thing inside it for only a moment would be bliss, but it will remain tangled for a while longer.
If my depression would give me a headstart, a time buffer which I could use to make the necessary preparations, then it wouldn't be so bad. I guess that's the thing about depressions, they are always bad, but some surprise you more than others.

Tonight I fear I have to face all those things that depression brings once more. I know what happens when I lay down to relax, things get so much more tense. If only my tinitus would get louder, then it could help me ignore all those voices of mine. No im not paranoid or crazy or anything like that, but if you have had some sort of depression in your lifetime you know that the brain tells you things. It tells you what you don't want to hear, but at the same time it tells you what you have to hear solely based on the fact that you are depressed.
So hear I am, in the midst of sudden depression... and it's just as bad as last time...