Monday 29 September 2008

From bad to bad.

I went away but I still feel queesy inside. Is it because my decisions of late hasn't really turned out the way I wanted? Yes indeed it is. However I will cope because of all the things I have to keep in mind and do during my visit to my hometown. My sanctuary holds many memories, both good and bad. This is a good thing in the long run because I always think clearer in a neutral environment such as this one.

So I went away from a place I would like to call dark. Mainly because my mind goes dark there. But I do miss the first place, I do, there were several possibilities there that I didn't have the time to explore. There will be a time for such things but it is not now. Mentally I have to recharge to yet again face the reality that is life. Will I face it alone, MOST CERTAINLY. Depressing thought? Indeed. Necessary thought? Indeed.
Sometimes you need to look upon the most logical option no matter how dark or depressing it is.
I have faced this truth and can as such endure for a while longer.

Yet my mind lingers to obtain whatever hope I had before my journey. For my departure closed doors I would have very much liked to remain open. But you can't get everything in life and even though many things have not been concluded I am sure they will be in a near future.
I wish to live in the far far past, but all I am facing is the future.

Wednesday 24 September 2008

Another one of those days.

I'll just tell you about the continuing path straight too hell or something quite similar to hell.
When all actions from counterparts seem to have hostile or ill intent. Most people wouldn't even bother to apologize, let alone admit the fact that they made a mistake. Moments after their none respectful action towards me it's all forgotten and other "friendlier" faces take their mind of it and all is good. Let's just say the equation doesn't involve me to be a part of anything these days, because let's face facts, people don't like me. It's not based on hatred, it's not based on disgust (well some are). It's based on the fact that my personality just doesn't mix very well with anyone else. The very few that do understand me have not been forgotten and can as such be delighted to know that this post is not about you people in any way.

So I decided to hide in solitary for a while only to be able to reflect on the day, but more importantly to calm my mind down before imploding by the very thought of human decency being something people actually know how to have. Yes I am pissed off, disappointed and mad.
Should I be blamed for feeling this way? Partially perhaps but not entirely. Could the journey back to sanctum relief me of all anxiety, hatred and contempt? I hope so.

Yesterday sucked, today sucked, what does tomorrow hold? Suckers perhaps.

Surprised?

For one this is my second blogpost in short succesion. Plus the fact that I am once again correct. Everyone who analyzed the situation otherwise is wrong, and I was right. Who knew? Well to be frank, I DID!
Sadened by the truth, indeed I am. Suprised by the truth, not even close. Still it kinda breaks your heart. Lets take the initial number and add two. What do you get? The most failing result of all time. Indeed I have failed, failed tremendously. One part of this enormous equation did things the easy way.
Follow these steps and you'll see what I mean. Part A = A part used only to delude. Part B = The wanted part. Part C = The seeking part. C wants B, B doesn't want C. In order to get rid of C we use A as an object to state the fact instead of telling the truth. Yes humans suck, merely because some people don't have the decency to tell the truth, they hide behind actions or other peoples words.

As I said before, it was one of those days, when all potential hope and excitement just disappeared in a heartbeat only to remind me of the f*cking life I am living. So before heading off to bed i'll leave you with a pessimistic motto or thought (whatever you like to call it). "Every day sucks, you just haven't figured it out yet."

Tuesday 23 September 2008

It's one of those days.

I have that queesy feeling in my belly. It just doesn't feel good. This evening could make it better, but i'll just go ahead and say it's gonna get worse. Why this feeling you wonder? Because that's how life treats me. I wish I could do something right in this situation and get recognition from the ones I need recognition from. I also doubt that so would be the case. However I must survive today because alot of things depend on it.

Let me describe the feeling a little closer: It's like a small man sitting inside your stomach and poking you with a sharp knife. Every breath seems to weigh in at several tons. Your throat and nostrals tsrat to clog as your muscles seem weakless and heavy. That is what I am feeling and if it continues I just might think that I will actually get physical harm from this feeling.

I wish that when I saw the correct thing my inner gut would tell me "YOU ARE CORRECT!" . The only words I hear "Probably wrong!!" and things of that sort. If I could just block out my thoughts for a short while, then I could see things more clearly. But as I have already stated, IT'S JUST ONE OF THOSE DAYS! Endless in it's existance, devastating to endure. to be continued?

Saturday 20 September 2008

A choice of much importance.

Indeed it is a choice I am half reluctant to make, none the less I have made it. It feels good, it feels like this could actually go somewhere. I'm not certain my mind is healthy at the moment. So many positive thoughts, yet I am still me, at the same time my mind brings out the worst possible scenario. I know for a fact that the odds of good in comparison to evil is not good at all. Let's just say I would bet on evil. Lady fortuna will not be smiling my way when it's over. The one positive thing this choice brings me is the knowledge of actually making the choice.
Two there were but only one or perhaps zero shall remain. That is the consequence of my choice, that is the anxiety behind the choice.

I'm not sure I will be able to see any real answers in the near future. In fact i'm not sure i'll see any answers until maybe May next year. Then it could be too late and THAT worries me. Because even though I could go back, even though I have possibilities to succeed even after my specific time frame, which I have given myself, i'm not sure I could do anything. So time is of the essence and time will always struggle against me.

So a choice has been made, by me. This choice might be something everyone else could be a part of. Then again, the alternative is something I can't even think of at the moment. Although the alternative lies very near, it is almost like I can see it happening already, but I don't ever want to think about it. Where did the positive thoughts behind the choice go?

Wednesday 10 September 2008

A slap in my face?

I should get a slap in my face. My brain doesn't work this way, and what has happened can't be more than a lie. Yes, you heard me brain, listen to me my brain, it doesn't work this way!
Anywho, it is quite interesting and quite disturbing at the same time. It is also totally contradictory to what I normally do. I should really get a fat slap in the face. Not one but two there is, and that should've never happened. I'm not going to make a choice because i'm not that kind of person, I wouldn't hurt anyone that way, or would I? SILENCE MY BRAIN! BAD BRAIN BAD BRAIN!
Just go with the flow they say, but that's not really an option. I also hate when things are actually out of my control. One thing my brain does think is correct, "You know you're gonna f*ck it up, or it just f*cks itself up, the situation that is"

I ask myself over and over "What the hell are you doing?" which is a just question in times like these, where it apparently looks like i'm out to really destroy myself this time. Depression and anxiety is just around the corner, waiting to slap me in the face. I'd rather someone else slapped me in the face. I can't stop thinking about this situation I have put myself in, i'm not sure how to get out of it either. I must act smoothly (Yeah right) . I will fail.
I also feel this whole thing is gonna leave me totally embarrased, and ashamed. Mainly because I fail so often with things.

I can guarantee you that several men in this world would dream of my situation, but as you might have understood i'm not one of those men. This isn't how I operate and I swear if I hurt anyone i'm gonna damage myself so badly. I just need to figure it out but this is far from anything i've ever experienced. This is so not me. Until next time.. SLAP ME IN THE FACE!

Saturday 6 September 2008

Changing is for the worse.

So someone actually told me what they saw when they looked at me. The words I was told echo within my brain. To apparent. One contradictory sentence really got to me, it tears me up, and with all right. "I can see your using a shield, you don't need it. Just be yourself" Here's the deal, I am in a way in need of attention, because my normal personality is far from amusing or interesting. In fact you could quite simply call me uninteresting. I have "manly" interests, i'm not very fond of exploring and trying new things, i'm your typical stiff person. I use humour so that people at least have something to discuss with me. I have also used my "humour" so much that I am labeled as "the crazy guy". What woman likes "the crazy guy"?

As soon as I go normal and stop making jokes I come out as a depressed boring person, which I am beneath all the crap I project onto people. So either way I'm f*cked. I could become myself = A depressed boring person and know that I'm not lying about how I am. Or I could go on about my crazy business and appear normal by "people who knows me" standards, but in that case be doomed never to meet a woman. Yet everything that happens at the moment is happening against me. It's not funny at all. Suicidal thoughts? Occasionally. Suicidal attempts? None so far.

If you want to help this poor bastard, kick him in the nuts, he probably deserves it. Best wishes! An idiot in every aspect. (Im talking about myself people)

Wednesday 3 September 2008

Truth and stuff...

I wish that truth was easy, it is everything but. I lay and shivver by the mere thought of telling the truth this time. It just pisses me off. I wish I could just go to sleep but I must write this down. It should be so easy. I tell the truth and it all goes my way, but we all know it never does. It pisses me off. I fall in to the same trap as always and the outcome is so easy to figure out, it's almost inevitable. I can't even stop myself sometimes, it's like I intentionally plan to ruin everything for myself. It really pisses me off. I'm not sure what to do, I need help, but a special kind of help. Help that I know is nowhere to be found at the moment, mostly because they have all abandoned me, those who I thought mattered.

I am lonely, I am pissed, I am doomed. It seems this is the easiest way to describe it all. Yet people insist of telling me only what they think I want to hear and not the solid facts. Which quite frankly would be more appreciated. I just want the truth from somebody else, that way I can shut down my mind. I could stop worrying, I would stop analyzing, I could even stop this blog. Then again we all know it isn't that easy. The truth is always twisted, the truth may come with a price. I am just so damned pissed off, at myself, and at those who I know I can't tell the truth to. The truth is actually signing my death certificate.

The truth always comes with a price and that just pisses me off, if someone told me the truth then I could die without worries and i probably would. No doubt about that...