A lack of interest.

At the moment I have a huge lack of interest. Nothing seems interesting somehow and I can't figure out what has triggered this emotions or lack there of. This has also resulted in the non-blogging the recent days. Several times I sat down and started writing when suddenly everything came to a halt. I had to stop several times and at the end I felt I just had to give up my blogging attempts. At the current moment I feel determined to at least finish this blog entry.

So I have been pissed off from time to time, mainly because the football results in the world have spoken against me, but I have also been pissed off by the fact that I have failed quite alot the past months. Just the other day one of my previous comments about people (From another blog entry that is) came true in so many ways I actually got scared. Alot of people are real idiots!
I'm not gonna give away names or anything and those who has treated me with disrespect doesn't follow this blog anyway as far as I know. Being this pissed off just renders other thoughts to pass by in a flash, thus making it impossible to even remember anything other than the anger and rage which twirls in my head.

Don't worry i'm not going rampant or anything, smashing things in my way as such. I keep the anger inside, hoping I get to confront the idiots who has treated my with disrespect and letting them know just how much of an idiot they really are. Then again I shouldn't sink to their level. I'm going to be the bigger person and not do anything stupid. Maybe i'll achieve success one day...

Women.

So before getting started with todays subject, I would just like to share with you a thought I had earlier today. I had several things running through my mind and at least three of them could be turned into a blog-entry. So I got the brilliant idea to post the three things as suggestions and have my readers decide what I should blog about. Then I came to the conclusion that I really can't see too many people following this blog with it's depressing nature. Plus, I don't believe that everyone who would have read that entry would actually vote, so that idea was best left alone...

Okay anywho, Women!
I discovered today that there are practically no women in my life, none that I know who I could hit on or for that matter even get feelings for. I was deeply sadened by that, because the truth is, most of the time I have had at least one girl whom I could give my attention to.
Now it feels like I have none. There were potentials not too long ago, but one after one they all kind of faded away. So now I try to figure women out, even though it is destined to fail.
It feels like I know nothing about women at all, they function in a different way, they snare hidden messages into many things they say etc etc.
I search my mind in order to re-examine all the things I have learned about human behaviour only to notice that most rules can't be applied to women. The reason for that is, my knowledge about human behaviour are often main issues which regard men and women alike, but don't have the depth to be applied to any of the two genders.
If I knew the human behaviour of women it would be alot easier to analyze whatever they say and whatever they do, because let's face facts, I don't really possess the art of speaking to women and I can't say I ever had.

So what I have to do is figuring women out, which just seems like a uncomfortable thing to do, and here is why. If I knew exactly how women worked I would probably discover the quantity of things I had to do to win them over. The amount of work I had to do could actually scare me away in contrary to motivating me. Many would probably say that knowing everything takes away the element of surprise and the thrill of the game. Me on the other hand would relish the chance of knowing enough so that I finally could get a girl and quit playing this depressing game. As of recent there are really no girls in sight for me, and that just sucks big time...

"The nerd never gets the girl."

Those particular words stuck with me. Even though they were contradicted and proven wrong at a later moment, the original words saying "The nerd never gets the girl." echoes in my mind.
Okay, maybe an external part should really confirm the fact that I could be called a nerd, perhaps geek or dork are more appropriate words.
So it's not really the nerd word i'm hung up on. It's the meaning of the sentence and what it stands for. There is of course more depth in that sentence than you might understand at this time.
The sentence itself implys that a "nerd" never gets the extremely beautiful girl. With society functioning as it does that is not completely untrue either.
Many of us are obsessed with outer appearance (Yes I have brought this up before). Just knowing that the sentence to a large extent is true, that is what pisses me off and lowers my self-esteem.

I would gladly revoke the sentence from ever being uttered. Since i'm not capable of such remarking things I will instead try to somehow get the echo out of my head. As so many other bad things, this echo gets to me, no matter how innocent it was at that moment it's still torment for many persons minds. Many would probably tell me that I should ignore that sentence because it isn't "true". What many people also do is tell you what you want to hear, even though they really know that the sentence itself makes a lot of sense. Friendship versus realism is something you could call it.

Maybe the reason for me reacting the way I have towards the sentence just shows you how easy it is to get to me. Pathetic as I am I just sit here, paralyzed from feet to head, trying to figure out how to make the echo go away. Using the sentence as a trigger to achieve bigger and better things is not an option, because I couldn't really go to many days with those words in my head. So for the moment i'll have to endure the hard words of partial reality which clearly says "The nerd never gets the girl.".

Tired.

I don't mean i'm tired from blogging. I'm mentally tired. Today I have read and experienced things from a sort ouf outside "point of view". It has made me aware of certain things, one thing in particular which scares me quite a bit. My main interest is my problem, I need to find someone who can accept the fact that football is not something I like watching, it's something I NEED to watch. So I came to a conclusion that if I am ever going to be in a relationship I need to find a girl who can accept and understand my interest, or it is bound not to work. Football is one of those things I won't give up. Some might say that in order for a relationship to work you have to make some sacrifices. Football, however, is a thing I cannot sacrifice even if my life were at stake.

It still bothers me though, I can picture the day I meet a girl I like extremely much and the one thing keeping us apart is the mere fact that she probably despises football. There might be other things that I enjoy doing that doesn't sit well with girls I meet. Another question popping up in my head is "How much does the girl I meet have to be in to me to overlook my big interests, even if she despises them?"
It bothers me as hell, and yes this is on the border of insanely pessimistic thinking, but my mind is still my mind and by now you should be used to the way my mind works.

I can at least say that today and parts of yesterday have been "brighter" days since my mental collapse a couple of days ago. So it's going in the right direction, how long it will last is a totally different issue which I have no answer to. There is hope at the end of the tunnel but i'm still to afraid... damnit...

Reluctant understanding.

Something tells me that certain things are to obvious for us to even be aware of. I recently noticed that even though I practically told the truth to someone regarding the person I talked to, they still didn't see that the truth was about them. Maybe we don't always want to know the truth and therefore our mind automatically shuts out whatever we may find out about our selfs.
I wish I could be more straight forward as far as the truth goes, then again im still a chicken being afraid to actually tell people how I feel. Sometimes I feel to many feelings at the same time which renders it quite confusing to tell anyone how I feel.
I just wish that I had the guts to say what I need to say, there are some who are to be considered candidates as far as knowing the truth. However I must make a choice between these candidates. Why you ask? Because at no time, what so ever, can the truth be told to more than one candidate. Outsiders may know, but that can cause problems, so I would not advice anyone to do so.

So here I am sitting, with a truth. Yet I am not certain the truth will do the persons involved any good. One reason for that is the mere fact that im not even sure myself if the truth really is the truth. There are some loopholes that I have not yet figured out, and to figure them out I have to throw myself out there, making me vulnerable to so many things and so many people. So yes I am a chicken, I am also indecisive about what to do.
I leeked another truth, that's why. So the rules have changed, because the first truth is out and with that comes change. Change that could be for the better and for the worse, unfortunately for me this is just one more thing I can't figure out.

My mind is actually starting to hurt, how am I suppose to solve this? Now that so many factors are working against me? Time stepped in and reminded me of certain things that I was also reminded of exactly one year ago. Time has helped me understand how the people involving the truth has changed over a specific period of time. Taking that into consideration I really have to be focused and one hundred percent sure of everything. Assumptions are not something I can afford right now.

Confused? I bet your not nearly as confused as I am.

An answer presented.

So I figured out one of the things that crossed my mind a couple of nights ago.
Once again I thought of my personality and the variety of areas it covers. Like I am torn between so many things, that I find interesting that people who meet me can't quite figure out what kind of person I am.
It bothers me of course and I have on many occasions thought about changing who I am, but I don't really see how that would help me since this personality seems to be all I got. As my interests are mostly male dominated areas it certainly makes it harder to attract women (Like I didn't have problems before?).
Frustrating as it is, that was one of the more relevant thoughts I've had in some time. I felt kind of enlightened by the fact that it all made sense in a sad way.
The curious part is why I didn't feel this way the last time I had the same thoughts, is it because I am older and more wise? It could also be the result of me slowly breaking down, and in such accepting the flaws that I have in order to forever stay a loser.

One down and one to go, what was that other thought that struck my mind? Was it nearly as interesting as this was? Maybe I pulled a trick on my own mind creating a thought seemingly important but in real life it was a mental bomb waiting to explode. I am sure that the answers will follow as I look ahead. Yet recent discussions and events made me quite uneasy about what is to come. That topic however, will be saved until tomorrow perhaps...

Strike one.

My hopes for yesterday evening was to remember the important thoughts I had the night before. This however failed, there was one time where I felt I got close, but it wasn't spot on so I left that thought alone to further search my mind in hope of discovering what I needed.
So I have given myself a maximum of three more nights and should it be that I haven't remembered anything until then I will just have to leave the search and continue as I always do, confused and depressed.
Not that I would get anything positive out of the lost thoughts, it's basically an affirmation of things I already know but from a new perspective.
I do know what chain of events started the thoughts, that should make it a possibility to backtrack in order to find what I am looking for. So you could say I am currently in a huge processing fase which will take a while, I will use large chunks of today trying to find what I need.

Two seperate threads of thinking still connected by my pessimistic ways of thought. That much I am certain of. Too bad it doesn't do me any good at this moment as i struggle with things I should leave alone. Other parts of my life intrude and interfere with one another making it hard for me to separate my thoughts. Even writing this just enhances my current state of confusion. I just wish I could find those thoughts within my head, I feel there is something or someone who will get a positive effect from knowing exactly what went through my mind at that particular moment. Now it's more or less a game of "Wait and see" until I find what I am looking for.

Memory loss.

Last night as I was laying in bed I came to hink of some horrible things. My thoughts at that time were probably some of the darkest thoughts I have had in at least 2 years. Many of those thoughts unfortunately made perfect sense and I was on the brink of losing my mind. In the midst of my dark but yet infernal brain activity I came across some ideas and some facts that I found extremely intriguing. I remember, that just before falling asleep, I said to myself "Be sure to remember this in the morning."
However, as I sit here I can not for my life remember the exact thoughts. I do however remember that I had them, which really pisses me off.
Maybe I should have got up and written the thoughts down on some piece of paper, but I was really tired and all those dark thoughts had taken away both willpower and strength thus rendering me utterly useless and weak at the time.

I'm sure these thoughts will come back to me, perhaps tonight if I am lucky. The reason for me to have that hope is that there are seldom one single night where I have dark thoughts, it is usually three to four nights in a row where I only think about dark subjects. That is why I am quite sure that I will remember that which I should have remembered today, tomorrow, or the day after that.
As for now I will search my mind in order to find that which was important at the time. Even though I consider it a good thing not to remember all those dark thoughts in the night...

Too obvious.

It is i'm telling you. Way too obvious for me not to understand. I speak with people on a daily bases and I have found, as I most certainly have mentioned in previous posts, that people don't find me that interesting. It then bothers me even more that I am left out of so many things regarding people I know, because no one seems to share with me as much as I would've liked to. This could be explained with the help of my personality. It must be flawed somehow or at least have a characteristic that scares people off. I'm not a smooth talker and have been known to say the wrong thing at the wrong time on numerous occations, but I still want to be part of things and not always shut out of conversations. I don't have many close friendships and I have never known some one I would call "my best friend" . This could be a problem as I struggle to find people who find me remotely acceptable to be able to include in their life somehow.

Just recently I spoke to people and found out that unless I make contact with them first there would be no conversation what so ever. Not if I believe the many observations I've made anyway. Am I that boring that almost no one freely takes the initiative to talk with me? Those few who actually do still won't let me get deep. So I am limited to an extremely small number of people to confide in at times of need.
That is why I very often consider not to talk to people at all, PERIOD!
But who knows it might change for the better... NOT.

Rules of conversation.

In conversation it's very important that at least both parts take an interest in the conversation.
That is why I feel that lately most of my conversations include only one part, namely me. Then again when only one person talks it could be considered crazy rambling. It's kind off sad that I should show such an amount of non-interesting sides of my self to actually scare people away.
I really try to be at least ok-interesting. That is however quite the struggle as I have a largely limited story telling capacity. I wouldn't want to lie now would I?

As the rules of conversation (when including me) has changed so drastically I feel like I should totally change approach considering everything that has to do with me and conversations. Choosing different topics, changing my attitude to most things in order to appear more interesting than before thus inviting the conversational counterpart to feel more comfortable. I could also just go the other way as the pessimistic part of my brain strongly suggests. Normally for such a "small" thing as this topic I would ignore anything my pessimistic mind has to say. However my "bad brain" makes alot of good points regarding most things and that's why I find myself struggling more with myself than the original problem with conversations. Yes I know the sentences get quite long sometimes.

Now I have to re-evaluate those people I know to find out where I should start in building conversational confidence. I hardly believe that people who know me could even think I would have these types of problems, but I do. I am who I am, destined to fail, destined to question myself. See already having conversations with myself again...