Saturday 16 May 2009

A pattern of certain days.

You could say I'm only half-way through this day but already the pattern is clear.
The pattern repeats itself as so many times before. I can't really control that negative side of me right now, it screams out with such ferocity that I just might go crazy.
I want to ignore I really do, but it penetrates every soundwave anything in this world could conjure at this point.
A part of me actually wants to hurt somebody, but I can't control the aim so I believe that I will be the one getting hurt.
My paranoia grows and the intensity and occurence of dark thoughts increase by the minute.
This is why I am a coward, this is why I somehow always make the wrong decision. Feelings like the ones I'm having at the moment are the exact feelings I have tried to ignore for many years now.
My paranoia grows as every movement, every word spoken, every action and every intention one could encounter trigger the lying parts of my perception.
I'm blinded by the strength of my paranoia as all sorts of emotions try to invade my mind only to push me into a weaker state of mind.
The paradox of everything I'm writing is also the cause of this last minute paranoia.
My body is preparing for the worst and the world seems to conspire against me only to make sure that my failure is complete.
Every good spell must come to an end and this day certainly has all the signs of "One of those days" .
My paranoia is even starting to push those buttons which shouldn't really exist in the first place.
A sense of hatred and anger circles my veins just waiting to burst, knowing full well that it would definetely destroy me, inside and out.
The pattern is clear...
By this time tomorrow I will have my verdict and I can assure you it's bound to be just as bad as I see it know. Anything else would be nothing short of a miracle.

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